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“I want to tell you,” he whispered. Gray lifted his good arm and Aubrey moved beneath it, laying her hand on his chest. “Will you listen?”
“Of course.”
He always thought talking about what happened down in Colombia was excruciatingly painful. Like digging the tip of a blade into an open wound, twisting it and then pouring salt inside. He’d told parts of the story to Zane, and similar parts, maybe the less painful ones, to a counselor the Navy had forced him to see. But now, for the first time, he let himself open up completely and he held nothing back.
Gray shared every horrific memory about the night Mesa’s soldiers ambushed his team. Each gut-wrenching detail. From how the enemy appeared out of nowhere, taking them all by surprise. The way he and his teammates fought with everything they had, but it wasn’t enough because they were completely surrounded and outnumbered. How the cartel soldiers kept on coming, relentless, brutal and with a force they never expected. How, one by one, his brothers went down and there was nothing Gray could do about it. Nothing except watch them fall. How helpless he felt when his best friend Andy bled out in his arms. How Gray tried to carry him on his back to the evac point, but he couldn’t after getting shot himself. And how a Delta Force team found and rescued him in what certainly would’ve been his final moments.
“I never understood why I lived,” Gray admitted, his voice hoarse. “Those were seven of the best men I ever knew. Why did they die, but I didn’t?”
“It wasn’t your time.” Aubrey traced circles over his heart.
“I punished myself for surviving. Some days I hated that I was still here, still breathing. I tried to drown the memories in alcohol, hoping it would dull the pain so I could cope with the guilt. I spent a lot of time wishing I was dead, too.”
“Oh, Gray. That breaks my heart.” Tears shimmered in her indigo eyes.
“And even though I thought about ending everything, something kept stopping me. A month ago, I got on the back of my bike and decided to tempt fate. It was raining, I was drinking and depressed, and I attempted a demon ride—no headlights—down a steep, dangerous canyon at night.”
Aubrey tensed and he knew she was thinking about her brother and how he died.
“I wiped out pretty badly and thought I finally had my answer. My out. But when I came to, Ex Nihilo was looking down on me. I still have no idea why they offered me a spot on the team after seeing what a damn hot mess I was.”
“Zane,” Aubrey murmured.
“Yeah,” he agreed, gently sliding his fingers through her silky hair. “He never gave up on me. Even when I gave up on myself.”
“I’m glad.”
“Joining the team felt like a new lease on life. It also refueled my vengeance. And then you came along. A spark in the dark that had consumed me. Your bright light was like a beacon to my soul, but I was scared I’d tarnish you. That I didn’t deserve you.”
“And now?”
“And now I can’t imagine my life without you.”
She smiled as a tear slipped from the corner of her eye.
Gray swiped the wetness off her cheek. “You got me smiling again, Sparkle. Something I never thought would happen.”
“I love your smile. And I want to see it every single day.”
His lips twitched. But, he wasn’t quite ready to give her a full blown smile just yet. “I’ve finally realized it’s okay to mourn my lost brothers, and I don’t have to punish myself for surviving. Revenge isn’t going to bring them back. Don’t get me wrong—I will make sure Mesa pays one day, but I’m not going to go all kamikaze to make it happen.”
“His karma will catch up to him,” Aubrey assured him. “I promise you that.”
He nodded. “I think I finally understand why I was spared, why I didn’t die in the jungle or that night on the road.”
“Why?” she whispered.
“So I could meet you. I never believed in signs, but I believe in you, Aubrey St. Clair.”
“I believe in you, too, Grayson Ellis.”
“You saved me,” Gray rasped. “Just when I was ready to give up, you looked at me with those indigo eyes and I was a goner. I love you, Aubrey. And I owe you…everything.”
More tears glistened in her eyes. “You don’t owe me anything,” she whispered. “I love you, Gray, and I will always be here to take care of you.”
“Forever?”
“Forever and ever.”
