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“Hisfriends. They bought me a few beers, took a few photos. We had some laughs. Then the drugs came out.” Jason let out a bitter laugh. “One of them pulled me to one side and said he knew I liked a line sometimes. It was almost exactly like last time.”
Last time.The time he almost died.
I squeezed his hand. “I saw him try to hand you something.”
He nodded. “Franz and the others were all watching. They had their phones out, ready to film me so they could sell their story. After we gave him a fucking job, that’s how he says thank you? Fucking two-faced asshole.” Jason’s palm grew sweaty in mine, and he let go to wipe it before wrapping his fingers around mine again.
“Jase…” I hesitated, not wanting to ask but knowing I had to. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I didn’t. “What did you… do you have the drugs?”
“No. I didn’t take them.”
I stared at him while I internally battled over what to do next. I’d asked the question, but there was a strong chance Jason wasn’t being honest. After all, he’d lied to Ellie. He’d lied to everyone.
That was before. This is now.
Jason must have spotted the doubt in my eyes, and his own darkened. His body still trembled as he stood, reached into his jeans pockets and turned them inside out, then lifted his shirt and turned around in a circle to prove he was clean. My own body began to shake at his rage and the fact that I’d made him feel like he had to do this. It had to be humiliating and hurtful to have people doubting your every word, and I felt sick to my stomach as he tried to prove himself to me.
“Happy? You wanna pat me down to make sure? You wanna do a strip search?” Fury burned in his eyes as he glared at me. He’d never looked at me that way before, and while I stood by what I’d done, I didn’t ever want to see that look from him again.
I slapped my palms against his chest, then gripped his T-shirt, my own anger taking over. “Just stop! What would you prefer? That I didn’t care? That I said nothing and risk losing you? I’m sorry, but I’d rather have you mad than dead!”
Jason stared at me, his eyes locked with mine. It was as if he felt it. Not just my panic but the depth of it. The real reason for it.
But he didn’t back away. He took a few slow breaths, then wrapped his arms around my waist. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped. You had every right to ask.”
I closed my eyes, my own heart rate slowing as he relaxed against me. My grip on his shirt loosened, and I moved my hands around his back, holding him close.
“I’m sorry too.”
“Why today?” he asked, looking up at me. “Why now? I’ve been having a hard time, then this guy just appears with the thing I’ve been craving. I thought it’d be easier to handle now. I thought after talking to my sponsor I was okay. But look at me. I’m still fucked up.”
“Hey!” I said sharply. “Don’t do that. Don’t get down on yourself because you’re struggling. You didn’t give in. You got away, and you’re okay. You’re okay, Jason.”
He shook his head. “I’m far from okay, Luce. I’m shaking, and I could so easily go back in there and do it. I want it.”
“Then let’s get out of here.”
“You don’t get it!” he snapped. “I could be on the moon, and I’d still find a way to get back here to get it if I wanted to.”
His words made my insides churn. I didn’t want to see him go backward. He almost died the last time he used, and I couldn’t let him get anywhere near those dealers so he could land himself back in the hospital or worse.
“You must have some tricks,” I said. “Something you learned in rehab to help you.”
He nodded. “I do. And they got me this far.”
“So stick with it. Don’t give in, Jason. You’re stronger than this.”
“Am I? Because I think I’m a fucking mess. Why won’t this stop? Why can’t I just be over it?”
“This is what it does to you. It takes hold of you and makes you think you need it. But just like all those other times you’ve felt like this, you can get through it. This has got to be easier than the real withdrawals, right? It’s not in your system now. You know you don’t need it. You just have to find a way to take your mind off it.”
“It’s not that easy, Luce.”
“I know. But you have to try.” I took his hands in mine. He was still shaking but a little less than before. “We’re going to take this one step at a time, okay? We’re going to go back inside, and we’re going to walk past those guys to get our things.”
He shook his head. “I can’t. If I see them, I’ll—”
“No. Don’t think about that,” I said, cutting him off. “Think about walking past them and getting what we need so we can leave. It’s the hardest step, and it sucks that you have to take this one first, but we have to get back to the tour bus. There’s no temptation there.”
