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They both knew I had them there. Ellie and Drew had had enough people talking about them without checking the facts to know how shitty it felt, and as the realization seeped into them, Ellie sighed. “You’re right. And I’m sorry too. It’s just… when you left home, I thought this would be okay. I knew there was a chance it wouldn’t be, but I trusted you and Jason to do the right thing.”
I held my hands up again. “Ellie, please. Can you please start making sense?”
“I know you, and I know Jason. Every now and again, he gets a look in his eye that usually spells trouble. He sees you differently now, Luce. I’m scared he’ll cross the line with you, and if he does that, I’m certain it won’t end well for you.”
I didn’t need to ask why. Jason had never been in a long-term relationship. Honestly, I couldn’t recall him being in a short-term one. His main focus was his music, followed by having a good time, followed by his relationships with the people closest to him. Maybe his family and friends ranked higher than they used to and were more on par with having a good time, but the point was, aside from those things, he didn’t care. If he now counted me amongst the people he felt closest to, I was lucky. But I’d witnessed him hurting those people time and again, even though he hadn’t always meant to.
“Ellie, you’re not telling me anything I don’t know. I listened to the things you said before I left. And now I know him better. I’m not going to stand here and promise you that if something does happen, I won’t let it. But I can promise you I won’t let it take over my life.”
I was lying, and she knew it. Not intentionally, of course. I liked to think I could handle my feelings and could be a grown-up about anything thatmighthappen between Jason and me.
In reality, my insides fizzled with the idea he might feel something for me. My eyes glazed over for a second as I allowed myself to imagine kissing him, touching him, and the way his hands would feel on my skin. The mere idea of his lips on mine set my head spinning and my heart pounding.
“You keep telling yourself that,” Ellie said. “But I know better. I know how it feels to want someone that much when you think they don’t want you too. It hurts every single second.”
“I’m not the same as you. I don’t feel that way.”
I didn’t. Not as intensely anyway. Jason had been with me a lot of the time, so I never felt the disconnection Ellie had once felt from Drew. And Drew was a lot different from Jason. Jason didn’t hide his feelings. He was openly affectionate and sweet. Drew had learned to be openly affectionate, but it wasn’t natural to him. He opened up once he knew Ellie loved him too, but he would never have given it up if she hadn’t made the first move. Their situation was not my situation.
“Maybe not. But you feel something, and that’s dangerous.”
“I can’t talk about this with you.”
I didn’t mean to be so blunt, but I didn’t want to spend another second discussing my potential heartbreak. I was trying to have the trip of a lifetime, experience amazing things, and live in the moment. This was the equivalent of a large black cloud over my good time, and I wanted it gone. I wanted a strong breeze to blow it away and bring back my sunshine.
“I love you, Ellie, and I appreciate your concern. I promise I won’t forget the things you’ve said, but this conversation is over.” Turning on my heel, I walked back through to the restaurant and rejoined the rest of the band.
As I took my seat beside Jason, I shuffled my chair slightly away from him, hoping he wouldn’t notice.
Damn Ellie and Drew for making this awkward.
Why did they have to do that? Why did they have to interfere in something that hadn’t been a problem until they made it one?
“What’s up, Luce?” Jason asked.
All I could do was shake my head since Ellie and Drew were walking toward us, both of them looking less than happy and a tad guilty. So they damn well should. Because of them, I didn’t feel comfortable talking to Jason anymore. Not while they were around anyway. I couldn’t even bring myself to look at him. Instead, I picked at the remains of my cheesecake, pushing it around with my fork and praying we could leave soon so I could hide away in my bunk to vent my frustration in my journal.
Thankfully, it was less than fifteen minutes before everyone was ready to go, and we began the short walk back to the bus. The whole way, I must have been giving off bad vibes because nobody came near me. It wasn’t like I was spitting with anger. If anything, I was kind of sullen.Emo. Not much like myself at all, but since the good parts of the evening had been snatched away by my overprotective sister, I didn’t feel like bouncing around and having my usual easy chatter with the guys.
I was the first onto the bus, and I kicked off my shoes and headed straight to my ‘room,’ closing the curtain and flicking on the light.
Letting out a sigh as I stretched out my legs, I reached the shelf above me for my iPad, headphones, journal, and a pen. Once I’d found some mellow music to listen to—goodness knows I needed it—I opened my journal.
I don’t even know how to explain what I feel right now. Remember yesterday when I was so excited because Ellie was coming? Because I thought we’d have fun together and enjoy being on a mini trip? Well, it sort of happened. Some of the day was good. But now it’s tainted.
Here’s the problem. I’m nineteen. Legally an adult but still a teenager. That puts me in the crappiest place because I’m not a kid, but I’m not exactly a grown-up, either. I’m a semi-adult. Almost ready for people to take me seriously but not quite there.
I think I’ve handled my feelings for Jason better than most girls would. I haven’t giggled or swooned around him. I haven’t stared at him longingly. Okay, that’s a lie, but he’s easy on the eyes, and I’m not blind. My point is, I haven’t followed him around like a puppy dog and sucked up to him just to get his attention. All I’ve done is be myself, and now Ellie thinks he’s into me. I think. Isn’t that what she was saying? Or at least that he doesn’t see me as her annoying little sister now.
I should be dancing at the thought, right? But I can’t. Because I know she’s right. I know the problems associated with being with Jason. That’s not what I’m upset about. I’m upset because she made them real. I was perfectly happy in my little fantasy world, and it wasn’t even a fantasy that revolved around me being with Jason. The dream was… I don’t know… the possibility, maybe?
I know I’m not making much sense, but this is my journal, so I will be as ineloquent as I want here. It’s back in the real world, where I have to keep my shit together.
And I think that’s about to get a lot more difficult.
I flipped the journal shut and placed it back up on the shelf before laying back, my head flopping against the pillow.
My music drowned out the sounds of everyone else on the bus, and I closed my eyes, letting the melodies carry me away.
