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“Nova,” I said, taking the chocolate bars from her and putting them on the bed.“I know what you’re trying to do.I get it.I wasn’t thinking anything bad about any of this.I guess I just don’t fully understand why it matters to you.”
“I hadn’t got that far in figuring it out,” she said with a small laugh.“Mostly, I think it’s that I know how close your family used to be, and...I’ve seen what your nan has been through.She misses your parents.She misses having her daughter here, and I know the two of you have had your moments, but she likes you being around.”She paused and sighed.“Sorry.This wasn’t meant to be a guilt trip.I’m just saying...family is important.”
I nodded.“Yeah.It is.”A wave of well-suppressed grief hit me, and I swallowed the lump in my throat.“You know, I left home when I was young.Thought I had all the time in the world.I wanted to see as many places as I could, so I skipped out on university to do it.I’ve been to Australia, Thailand, Mexico, the USA, Canada, Hawaii, Jamaica, Japan, various places in Europe, the Philippines, and New Zealand.And I had the best time, not worrying about anything much.But then… my grandad died.”I paused, wondering why the hell I was dumping all this on her and where it had come from.I guessed months of pretending nothing bothered me had finally reached the surface when faced with so many reminders of what I’d missed out on.“Iwantedto come home for his funeral, but I just… I was too scared to.I was afraid my parents and Nan would all be judging me for not coming over to visit more.For not calling them more.It seemed almost hypocritical to be at his funeral when I barely saw him when he was alive.I don’t have a big family, so when I went away, I didn’t think I would miss much.It’s not like I have brothers and sisters who’d be getting married and having kids.Mum and Dad certainly weren’t having any more children, and anyone else was too distant to be a concern.Losing Grandad was like a slap in the face, though.”Glancing at Nova, I checked she hadn’t nodded off while I was spilling my guts, but she hadn’t.She was listening intently.“I know I’m moody and hard to get to know, and I know my need to get out of here makes me seem like I don’t give a shit, but I do.I just don’t know how to process everything that’s happened.How to explain all the things that feel different now I’ve been away for so long.”
A strange, unfamiliar ache began in my chest, and I drew in a slow breath, trying to ease it away.This was exactly why I didn’t talk about all those things.I’d only scratched over the surface and it had triggered something inside me.I wasn’t the kind of person who bottled everything up until it exploded.I’d talked about losing my grandad while I was away, but connecting with my family was harder somehow.
“There’s no time limit on it,” Nova said softly.“And if you want to be close to your nan again, then be close to her.When you go away, stay in touch.Reach out.Answer when she reaches out to you.It’s not so hard, you know?”
I smiled.“It’s really hard to disagree with you when you speak common sense.”
“It’s what I do.”
It did seem to be.She had this strange way of seeing through me.I wasn’t sure if I was okay with it or not, but I also didn’t seem to have a choice.There were things about me she couldn’t know unless I told her, but shehadseen something in me I tried to hide.The fact that I did care about things.And it wasn’t so much that Itriedto hide it, more that it had got buried.Being on my own for so long had made me selfish in some ways.I still had a normal level of human decency, politeness, and manners where other people were concerned.I am British, after all.But I’d got so caught up in what I was doing, and the people I’d left in the UK had been disconnected.I hadn’t meant for it to happen, but it did, and Grandad’s sudden death only showed me that more clearly.
I knew for sure that if Nova hadn’t known me as a kid, she wouldn’t have ever entertained the idea of being with me now, not after the way I’d acted when I first saw her.She was looking for the parts of me she liked before now she knew who I was.Even as a child, she had been a nurturer.The kind of person who looks out for others, shows kindness, and looks for the best in everyone, whereas I was always looking for the twist.The hidden agenda.
Just like I’d done when I first re-met her.
“Nova, I know I already apologised, but I really am sorry for the way I acted the day we met,” I said.“I think...”I paused, wishing there wasn’t something about her that made me want to open up.But I’d started the sentence already.Whether I wanted to admit it or not, there was still some kind of connection between us.One that was very slowly strengthening as I allowed her to take me on this weird little Christmas-themed mystery tour.
“What is it?”she asked, her brown eyes focused on mine.
This was the closest I had felt to her, or to anyone, in so long that I wasn’t sure what to do with it, but I took a deep breath.“I had a girlfriend, Paige, a few years back.I met her in Australia and we travelled together for three years.From the end of our first year together, she talked about us settling down.She wanted us to get married and live in Australia, where she was from.I loved her, but I wanted to keep moving.We went to so many places together and had the best time, but eventually, she just wanted to go back to her home.When I wouldn’t go, she made me feel like the worst person.Accused me of using her as a travelling sex toy, which was a fucking joke.I was crazy about her, and if I’d just wanted someone to sleep with, I could have picked up anyone.I wanted her.She knew more about me than anyone ever had, and she threw it all at me when we broke up.Said I was weak and scared for not wanting to settle down.Told me my parents were trash for making me afraid to commit because we’d moved around so much when I was younger.”
I paused as the memories lashed down on me.It didn’t hurt anymore, but it made me angry.It had made me stubborn.The way she had gone at me had made me believe my decisions and what I wanted weren’t important.They weren’t even when we were together as most of the places we went to were ones she chose.That realisation had seeped into every corner of my life.Her words had triggered a defiance to do what I wanted, when I wanted, and on my terms.That’s not to say it was her fault entirely.But if she hadn’t responded the way she had, maybe I would have come home sooner.Maybe I would have found someone else to travel with.Maybe I wouldn’t have believed I needed to be mostly on my own.
As I looked back up at Nova, her face was filled with confusion, and I wasn’t surprised because she couldn’t hear my thoughts and I hadn’t explained how what I’d said linked to the conversation we were having.
“After Paige, there was someone else I was interested in.In fact, for a while, there were lots of people I met and wanted to hang out with.I don’t just mean to date, I mean people I got to know as friends.As my blog took off, I found that many of them wanted me to shout them out in videos and stuff, just to boost their own accounts.The girl I liked was a little different.She didn’t seem to be interested in me at all, then one day, she let me take her out to dinner.Before I knew it, she wanted the best of everything.Wanted me to take her to the best restaurants, buy her new clothes and shoes.Seemed a bit suspicious since she had brushed me off so many times.One night, after we’d been out drinking, we were in a hotel room and she was on her phone.She’d had so much to drink that she ran to the bathroom to throw up and left the phone open on the bed.I reached over to grab her a bottle of water from the nightstand and the screen was open to a message with a friend, laughing about how much she had got from me and saying she could get so much more once I let my guard down.”
“What did you do after you saw the messages?”
“I left.Grabbed my stuff and walked out while she was throwing up in the bathroom.Because I’m not a total asshole, I still paid for her room for the night, but I didn’t care about where she went after that or how she got there.I blocked her from reaching out to me, but I heard on the grapevine that she was fine and had found her way to Portugal.Probably on the back of some other mug.”
Nova nodded slowly, like she was processing everything I’d told her, and her eyes were the softest I’d ever seen them while looking at me.“I’m sorry.About everything.I guess all of those things...”she trailed off.“I get it.I get why you look for the worst in people.But you’ve just been unlucky.Not everyone you meet is going to be a dick.”
Hearing her say ‘dick’ made me laugh.She didn’t seem the type who swore often, or maybe she was just trained that way because of being a teacher.It somehow sounded alien coming out of her mouth.
Do.Not.Make.An.Inappropriate.Comment.
As if she’d heard my thoughts, she said, “Wait until you hear me say ‘fuck’.”
The grin on her face and hearing the word spoken with such perfect diction did something to me.I fucking hoped my dick didn’t visibly twitch, and when she blushed, still laughing, something cold within me began to thaw.
“Don’t let Nan hear you say that,” I teased, and she laughed again.
“Your nan swears more than I do!”
She wasn’t wrong.She didn’t swear in general conversation, but I had heard her cursing to herself when something wasn’t going right with whatever she was doing.Sometimes it was a crossword, sometimes it was crochet, sometimes when she was cooking.
As the laughter died down, Nova said, “Shall we watch this movie, then?”
I kind of wanted to say no and keep talking to her, but we had plenty of time.
I was home for the holidays.And now, I could stay up as late as I wanted.
Chapter9
