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She was older now.Old and alone.And as content as she might have been day to day, she was still fighting her own battle to be okay in a world where the other half of her no longer existed.
Maybe that was what had felt so strange to me being around her again.I had nowhere near truly thought about the loss of my grandfather, but I realised I had never seen her without him.There was an imbalance, and while, obviously, I knew he was gone, it hadn’t struck me that that was what had made everything off-kilter.
Or you did know, but you’ve been pretending you didn’t see it.
I wasn’t sure exactly what had set off this wave of grief in my nan, but I stood and dragged my chair close to hers, wrapping my arm around her and pulling her in close to me.
I swallowed down the lump in my throat and said, “It’s okay, Nan.I’ve got you.”
I rested my cheek against the top of her head, noticing George shooting an understanding smile across the cafe.I returned the smile as best I could, making sure never to loosen my hold on Nan.
This so wasn’t the place for it.In public, with anyone likely to walk in at any time, but this cafe was friendly.Homely, hence the name.Even though Nan wasn’t crying loudly, people had noticed, but they offered kind glances, then went on with their conversations, leaving us to it without judgement.
“Nan, I’m sorry,” I whispered.“I’m really sorry.”
“What for?”she asked, reaching up with one hand to wipe her cheeks.
“For not being here.For not calling.For being too busy with my own life that I didn’t come back to see you and Grandad more often.Mostly, for not coming back for the funeral.And I’m not trying to make this about me, I’m just saying...I missed so much.”
“Yes, you did,” she said, but not unkindly.“But we never held it against you.We just wanted for you to be happy, and you were.”
“Yeah, but for the last few months, you haven’t been.And I wasn’t here.”
Nan pulled back slightly to look up at me.“Listen to me.I know I’ve been short with you at times.I’ve said some snappy things once or twice, mostly when you first got here, but it was a shock to see you.Iwasupset that you didn’t come home for your grandad’s funeral and I know you don’t want to be here now, not really.But that doesn’t mean I don’t want you here.Your grandad and me, we love you very much, Donovan.More than you know.What matters is that youarehere now.”
Her words were more than fair, but they still hit me hard.To hear her say what I already knew was painful, but well-deserved.I hadn’t made a secret of not wanting to go back to Dawlish.Or at least, I hadn’t pretended I was excited to spend Christmas with someone who needed to not be lonely eating a Christmas dinner on her own, with Grandad’s empty chair beside her.
The thing was, as I’d got to know her, I found Ididwant to be there.Getting to know the woman I should already have known better than I did.In fact, it seemed I got some of my temperament from her in that we could both be a little grumpy at times.She was way more naturally friendly than me, but there were definite similarities between us.I realised I wanted to know more about her past.Not just the years I missed, but things from before I was born.I didn’t know how she had met my grandad, or what my mum was like as a child.Nan was a woman with a lifetime of stories I’d never bothered to read, and the guilt pounded at me in unrelenting waves.
“This is going to sound silly,” Nan said, straightening up more but taking my hand.“This morning, I was thinking about all the bits and pieces I need to do to get ready for Christmas, and every year, your grandad would insist on making sure we had the pigs in blankets in early because they were his favourite thing on a Christmas dinner.And I’ve been so busy that I forgot to get them.I went to tell him I would get them today, like he was still here.Because every year, he would go on and on about it until I had them.And I got upset.I tried to pretend it was fine.That I wasn’t just trying to talk to my dead husband in the kitchen even though he’s long gone.And then, when we were sitting here, I got thinking about how your grandad loved a toasted teacake and it’s...it’s one of those harder days.They happen now and again, and it’s extra hard now because this is the first Christmas without him.”
Another fact I’d known but the impact hadn’t fully hit me all the way just yet.Until then.
“I promise you won’t be on your own this Christmas,” I told her.
“Thank you, my love.”She gave my hand another squeeze, and an idea came to me.“I’m seeing Nova this afternoon, but before that...please can we go to Grandad’s grave?”
Tears welled in Nan’s eyes again, and she nodded.“Yes,” she said croakily.“We can.”
Within two hours,we were back at Nan’s house after visiting the cemetery and freshening up the flowers that had been left for him.Seeing his headstone brought home how real it all was, and Nan and I stood there for a while, holding hands in our own contemplative silence.Once again, memories drifted in and out of my mind, but regret was what weighed the heaviest.I’d loved growing up in Italy, but it had meant I left some of my family behind way earlier than most people usually would.And because of that, I’d wanted to see more of the world.No thoughts for anyone besides my parents.
When my paternal grandfather died when I was so young, it had thrown me off balance.Made me not want to be so close to anyone because losing him had been so fucking painful.Perhaps, without even fully realising I was doing it, I’d kept my distance from my maternal grandparents because I didn’t want to experience that pain again.Maybe that was why I’d never wanted to settle down with someone.Although...I really had loved Paige.Would maybe have wanted to marry her and make a home somewhere eventually, but the timing was all wrong.
Or maybe timing was an excuse.
Honestly, it was impossible to know now.Maybe she just wasn’t the right person.
The sound of the doorbell broke me out of my thoughts, and I knew it would be Nova, ready for our next task.I was meant to be going to her house for it, but since Nan wasn’t doing so well, I’d asked Nova to come to us instead.I’d briefly explained what had happened in a text, and when I answered the door to her, she said, “Hey.How is she doing?”She stepped in, carrying yet another tote bag, this one with Disney princesses on the front.
“Better.Not great.”
“And you?”she asked, looking up at me in a way that suggested she wasn’t going to accept anything but the truth.Her brown eyes held concern.Genuine concern for me, even though I knew her thoughts about my lack of contact with my grandparents over the years.Like she had the other day, she’d seen there was more beyond the walls I kept around me.While it would usually have bothered me that someone had looked so closely, with her, it was okay.She wasn’t just paying lip service; she actually cared.It might have been more for Nan than me, but she’d taken the time to ask about me, and I appreciated it.
I sighed.“I’m okay.Today was eye-opening.I’m still processing it all.”
She nodded, and my answer seemed to satisfy her.With everything that had happened earlier, I’d forgotten I’d called her beautiful the night before.Looking at her now, dressed super casually in blue jeans and an oversized white jumper with black ankle boots, her hair scrunched back in a messy ponytail, she still looked beautiful.No tiredness or signs of a hangover from her night out and sleepover.
“Did you have fun last night?”I asked her.
