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Fuck, she’s pretty.
And I’d kissed her.And was maybe going to spend Christmas with her.
Calm the fuck down.She’s just a woman.
A woman who was breaking me.I’d gone from not wanting to be involved in anything traditionally Christmassy and getting the hell out of town as soon as possible to enjoying the things I used to love and wanting to be around Nova more.
It had been an odd day all around.From Nan’s breakdown, to baking, to talking to my parents, kissing Nova, and now this drive.I felt a little out of control, but not in a bad way.Usually, I planned things.I had to in order to get to where I needed to be next, and when I’d got back to Dawlish, I was irritated that I hadn’t yet chosen where my next destination would be.I knew I would return to Italy when my parents got back there, though I hadn’t intended to stay in the UK until then.But I’d been swept up in doing things with Nan and Nova.Dealing with my own shit.And I still hadn’t booked a flight anywhere.
I’d thought about spending a couple of weeks in France before going back to Italy, but I could just stay where I was.Not forever, but for a little longer.
A strange tension filled the car, like she’d heard my confused thoughts.She couldn’t have known exactly where my mind was going, but she’d obviously sensed my shift in mood.Or maybe her own thoughts were equally confusing.
I didn’t want it to be like this, though.I wanted it to be how it had been earlier.Relaxed, maybe a little cautious, but mostly just enjoying the moment we were in.
Unable to think of the words to break the tension, I just kept looking out of the window as Nova drove, and eventually, she circled us back to the end of Coronation Avenue, where she parked outside the last house on the street.
“Why are we here?”I asked, and she turned her head to look at me.
“I know it’s freezing, but there’s one more place I want to take you to.I’m not sure if you’ve ever seen this view before, especially at night and in December.”
“Okay,” I said.“I trust you.”
The words were said with a hint of teasing because she had threatened my life more than once, and I was pretty sure we were headed to the cliff that overlooked the sea.
She laughed lightly, and we got out of the car.Once it was locked, we walked the short distance to the road which was, thankfully, quiet at this time of the evening.We crossed and headed up a small path that opened out into an expanse of grass and trees, a small path winding around the edge.Another path cut down the middle of the grassy area.The chill hit me since we were right by the sea now, and I reached over and took Nova’s hand.She smiled up at me, her cold fingers squeezing around mine, and we headed to the railing that safeguarded people from tumbling down the red rocky cliffside.
“Here,” she said, waving her free arm towards the view.
It was breathtaking.The darkness didn’t hinder its beauty at all.The water was calm, just some gentle waves lapping at the sand, and way beyond, the lights from a town that curled into the distance.Turning my head, I looked towards what I could see of Dawlish.It wasn’t much from where we were, but the Christmas lights attached to the streetlamps shone brightly, the occasional car slowly driving around the mini golf course which sat on a small island in the centre of the one-way road.There was a train just pulling out from the train station, and I watched as it disappeared on the long track towards Dawlish Warren.
“Fuck.I hadn’t ever been up here before,” I said.“I’ve been on the beach, of course, but never up here.”
“I love it here.It’s where I go to think.Well, I start here, then wander down to the beach.I’m sure the sea is the reason I can’t stay away from this place.It’s so relaxing.”
“You know other places have beaches too, right?”I teased, and she stiffened for a second.
“This will always be my favourite.”
I stepped around her, very carefully pressing her back against the railing, and looked at her in the moonlight, the incredible backdrop behind her making her look more stunning than ever.Moving in closer to her, I dropped her hand and slid my arms around her back, wishing our huge coats weren’t in the way so I could really feel her warmth.
“I like it here,” I told her, my gaze piercing hers, hoping she knew what I meant.Not just the scenery, buther.
She nodded, her arms snaking around my back.“Me too.”
I leaned down as she tilted her head up, already loving how easily we fit together.How I knew what her lips tasted like, and how I wanted more of her kisses.More of everything that was her.
“Nova,” I whispered against her neck.“Please can we just not overthink this?”
She tensed again, and as much as I wanted to pull back to see her face, I didn’t.I anticipated the caution that would be in her eyes.She didn’t want to get hurt, and I didn’t want to hurt her.It told me this was dangerous for her because maybe she was already feeling more than she should so soon.
Yeah, and you’re totally chill about this.
The sarcastic voice in my head was starting to piss me off because it was right.I felt it.I might have even felt it from the beginning.When she apologised for me spraining my ankle, even though it wasn’t her fault.When I saw how much she cared for my grandmother.How much she wanted to look inside me and find something she recognised because, somehow, she knew it was still in there, even when I didn’t.
“What if I’m already overthinking it?”she asked quietly.
This time, I did pull back a little, and the hesitance was right there, shining brightly like I knew it would be.I placed my hand on her cheek.“I can’t make that stop.All I can do is be here.With you.For right now.”
