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I hadn't seenor spoken to Donovan since our brief text messages two days ago, and I'd spent Christmas Eve feeling unusually sombre.Every other year, I would have been wrapping up any remaining gifts while watching cheesy Hallmark movies, but the last thing I needed was a bunch of small-town festive romances with a happy ending when I felt so bereft.
The more I thought about the things Donovan had said, the more irritated I'd become.He'd made me feel like I was the only one of us who cared and I'd simply attached myself to him and expected he would magically decide to live out the rest of his life in Devon with me.Life isnota Hallmark movie, and I never thought it would be.Ihad, however, expected not to be lied to and made to feel so unimportant.
I shivered as June's front door opened, and she stepped out first, offering me a wave.I tightened my coat around me as she walked towards me.Although she was wearing a coat over her outfit, she looked lovely.She'd had her hair cut the day before, the short style tidied up for Christmas, and she'd even put on a touch of makeup; a little pale pink lipstick and some mascara.I could tell from the tension in her as she hugged me that this day was going to be hard for her, but I held her tight and whispered, "Merry Christmas, June."
"Merry Christmas, my darling.Are you okay?"
Swallowing back an unexpected lump in my throat as I pulled back from her, I nodded."Yeah.You?"
June sighed."I think I'm okay.I had a little cry this morning before I got ready, but we'll see how we go."
"We're all here for you," I told her, squeezing her hand.
Just then, my attention was drawn to Donovan, who came out of June's house carrying a bag of gifts and two smaller bags, which I assumed were for their stay.I'd sort of hoped they would change their mind at the last minute about sleeping at my mum and dad's, but obviously, that wasn't to be.He paused on the step to shut and lock the door before pocketing his keys.My breath caught just from the sight of him, my heart rate speeding up with the usual anticipation of being wrapped up in his arms.Then it sank as fast as it had lifted.We were done with that now; my emotions just hadn’t caught up with reality yet.
This time, it was June who squeezedmyhand, and I gave her a grateful smile as Donovan approached.He kept his head down until he reached us, and then he looked up, his eyes meeting mine at last.
The tiniest hint of softness in them made me drop my gaze.I couldn’t handle it, not now.Not when he’d made it perfectly clear I didn’t matter to him.He hadn’t called.Hadn’t text.Hadn’t apologised.
“All of this, it was you who did it.You were the one who pushed for us to be around each other.”
I hoped that wasn’t how he viewed today.That this was another way I’d forced him to spend time with me.This particular pre-planned thing was far less about him, and while I’d made that clear when I’d messaged him to ensure they would still come, I wondered if the whole thing was a mistake.
I could feel his eyes on me as I took the bags from him and loaded them into the boot of my car.He didn’t glare the way he had the last time I saw him, but if he wanted to talk to me, to make this whole day less awkward, he would have approached me earlier to clear the air.Since he hadn’t, I could only assume his position hadn’t changed.
"Shall we get going?"I asked, my gaze on June.Considering she was the one who'd lost the love of her life, the empathy radiating from her was warming, but I hated that my hurt must have showed on my face.
"Yes," she said."Let's go."
As much asI'd tried to drown out the discomfort in the car with Christmas music, there was no hiding it.The air was thick with the tension between Donovan and me, and I couldn't wait to be out of the confined space with him.At least at my mum and dad's house, there were more rooms for me to hide in.None of us had spoken since we got in the car, and as we got out and gathered our things, we only communicated with glances and hand gestures.I began to feel like we were in some kind of silent movie.
June linked her arm through mine in a show of support as we headed for the front door.We hadn't spoken much about what had gone on between Donovan and me, but she had told me in no uncertain terms that she thought he was a pillock; her word, not mine.I didn't want them to fall out because of me, though.It had taken long enough to get them to communicate properly again.However, I did appreciate her understanding.
Mum opened the front door with a wide smile on her face, and she looked amazing.She always made an effort on Christmas Day.She'd twisted her brown hair into an elegant bun, decorated with a little hair clip that had a Christmas pudding on it.She wore a dark green dress that fell to her knees and black tights that had very subtle silver snowflakes woven into them.
"Merry Christmas everyone!"she said as we traipsed inside.She hugged each of us as we entered, even Donovan, which seemed to surprise him.
She did, of course, know all about our argument, but like me, she thought June not feeling lonely was the most important thing.Mum was the kind of person who wouldn't make anyone feel uncomfortable in her home.I kinda loved that about her because I wanted to pummel Donovan with a frozen turkey.
"Come on through," Mum said."Just drop your bags down in the hallway and we'll sort them out once you’ve had a drink.Is anyone hungry?I'm just about to make bacon sandwiches."
My stomach grumbled at the idea, and I said, "That sounds good.I can take care of that."I slipped through to the kitchen without another word, letting Mum show June and Donovan into the living room, where I knew my dad would be sitting with a cup of tea.I felt bad for not going to greet him, but I needed two minutes to myself.
My shoulders and neck ached from being so tense, and as I slipped my coat off and hung it on the back of a kitchen chair, I rolled my shoulders, taking a few deep, calming breaths.The kitchen was warmer than the rest of the house due to all the cooking going on, and the aroma of turkey and gammon filled the air, making my stomach growl again.
I had to get my shit together.Had to look at the fling with Donovan as just that.A fun Christmas thing that I could forget about once he left.This day would not be ruined for everyone because of us.Christmas came around once a year, and I wanted to enjoy it.
With the thought solidified in my head, I went to the fridge to find the bacon.Mum had six packs in there, and I assumed some of that was for breakfast in the morning.I opened one pack just as the sound of voices filtered in from the living room.I could hear my dad greeting June and Donovan, and Mum was asking if she could take their coats.She was always such a good host, probably due to the number of business dinners she'd organised for Dad over the years.I made my way to the hob, then located a large frying pan and some cooking oil, laying four strips inside it and firing up the gas.
I stared at the bacon as it gently began to sizzle, breathing in the scent.It was oddly calming, and I jumped when I heard someone say my name.
My mum was standing by the kitchen table, watching me with concern."Are you okay?"
I nodded, giving her a smile."I am.I just needed a minute, you know?"
She came over to me and pulled me into a tight hug."I do, sweetheart.Everyone wants sandwiches and tea, but after that, we can crack open the wine."
Laughing, I said, "Just hand me a bottle and I'll be on my way."
