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“Tell you what?” I’m not hedging, but the insightfulness of her words astounds me.
“That thing you’re hoping I won’t find out that would explain this whole mess.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I say, completely unconvincingly.
She levels the same glare at me that wouldn’t let me get away with anything when I was a teenager. I decide to just spit it out.
“Caesar approached me a month or two ago and asked for a contractual marriage.” She blinks, and I plow on. “He doesn’t want to be king, but his father told him that if he didn’t pick somebody and settle down soon, he would lose his role in the family. So he picked me because I’m… a nice, decent, responsible girl. Or was.”
Instinctually, I place a hand on my middle. Maybe not that responsible, considering the part where I got knocked up even though I knew it was only a matter of time before the whole thing came down around my ears.
I wait for the tirade from my mother to match my inner voice, but it doesn’t come. When I sneak a glance over at Mom, she’s chewing thoughtfully on her hot dog and staring out at the trees.
“Don’t you have anything to say?” I prod.
“Well, honey, I knew you were dedicated to your job. But this is a bit much, wouldn’t you say?” Laughter tickles my nose and throat until I can’t keep it in any longer. Letting it out feels good.
“You’re not mad?” I ask.
“Mad? Of course, I’m mad. That rat bastard tricked you! He knew you were about the best thing ever to happen to him and he thought, ‘No sense letting her out the door,’ so he took advantage of everything you have to offer.”
“I’m not a child, Mama. I made this choice, too.”
“I know, I know. But you shouldn’t have had to, that’s all. You’ve worked your entire life to make a difference your own way. You fought to make a name for yourself, and you were going to, way before he came into the picture.”
“You think so?” She’s never talked to me like this before.
“Yes!” She hesitates as if realizing where the question is coming from. “I may not relate to you like I do your sisters, or like your daddy does with you. But you know I love you with my whole heart.”
“But all the ragging on me about getting married… Some of this was about that, too, you know.”
She shrugs and stammers, trying to explain herself but not quite finding the words.
“You were always so… controlled. And felt like you needed to be perfect, even when there’s no such thing. I was afraid you would miss out on some of life’s biggest joys because they were too messy.”
“Well, you can be happy that now I’m familiar with messes, Mama.” We both laugh.
“Oh, honey, this just confirms what I was hoping. There’s still some life in those neat freak bones of yours. Two lives now.” She laughs, and I push her. “You’re still the most responsible person I know, even knocked up.”
“I don’t know what I’m going to do, Mom.” I look at her looking at me. I think she can see my heart breaking.
She sighs. “Do you love him?”
Tears brim over my eyes, and I nod.
“Then you’ll figure something out.”
I start to cry, and she holds me, stroking my hair.
“Oh, baby. Oh, my baby.” She wraps her arms around me in a big hug. “I’m here. Mama’s here, always. Through everything.”
I hope Caesar is, too. Even though I’m so angry with him, I just want him to hold me. To make me feel better.
27
CAESAR
This is bad. Vivienne isn’t answering my calls, and her family members aren’t, either. I’ve been calling everyone for the three days I’ve been stuck here trying to assess the damage. I can’t get a hold of anybody.
