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“No, Mom. It’s a teddy bear hamster.”
“So it’s a furry rat?”
Sighing, I turn to face her. The motion almost makes me tip over. “She’s not going to bother you. There’s no way for her to get out of her cage.”
“Okay. As long as it makes you happy. It’s good to see you doing something creative. Dinner will be ready in an hour. I’m making your favorite—veggie stir-fry. You need to eat.”
Nausea immediately surges in my stomach, threatening to vault the single piece of toast I had for lunch onto the beige carpet.
“I’m going to make a phone call, then I’ll be down,” I call after her as she disappears down the hall.
My finger trembles when I press Lily’s icon on my phone screen.
“Penny!”
The happiness in her voice instantly sweeps all my worries away like leaves caught in a warm breeze.
“Hi… I’ve been thinking about you a lot today. I bought a hamster.”
She laughs. “Um… do I somehow remind you of hamsters?”
I laugh with her and lean back against the wall. “Ignore my jumbled thought process. How are you? How’s the house remodel going? How’s the baby? Tell me everything.”
“We’re doing great. Brian is a total handful. He’s talking and walking so much more, can you believe it? He’s napping right now, but I’ll send you a video tonight.”
My heart always twinges in an odd, bittersweet way when I hear about Brian. How can I miss a little person who I’ve never even met?
“He’s growing up so fast,” I say. “I can’t wait to see the video.”
“We painted the kitchen walls that pretty green color you liked. The floors came out gorgeous. The knotty pine is so pretty.”
“I can’t believe the previous owners put carpet and linoleum over that.”
“Right?” I hear water running in the background. I recognize it as the sink in the kitchen. I can picture Lily standing there, rinsing a glass or washing her hands. “So, you bought a critter?” she asks.
“A hamster. Something about her just spoke to my heart. You should see this setup I made for her. I totally went overboard. You’d love it.”
“You have to send me video and pictures. I think a pet is good for you. Shadow makes us so happy.”
“I’m already obsessed with her. So, tell me more. What happened with that date you were getting ready to go on last time we talked?”
How long ago was that? Weeks? Longer? I pinch the bridge of my nose, hoping to remember, but the details refuse to emerge from the fog.
“Marcus.” Her voice lifts with shy excitement. It makes me smile.
Marcus. Now I remember. He works for a cybersecurity company.
“It went soooo great, Penny. He brought me flowers when he came to pick me up.”
“Very nice! I’m sure your dad was impressed.”
“He was, but he tried not to show it,” she says with amusement. “We’ve been seeing each other every weekend, and we talk every night. You’d love him—he’s such a good guy. He calls me Beauty. He goes out of his way to spend time with Brian, too, which is so important to me.”
“I’m so happy for you, Lily. You sound really happy.”
“I am. I just miss you!”
My stomach tightens. “I miss you, too.”
“How are you feeling? Did you think about what I asked you? Will you come for a visit? I want you to finally meet Brian in person. And Marcus. And see all the remodeling me and Dad have done. And you have to see how big Shadow is. We can go to my favorite new restaurant…”
Her voice fades as invisible bugs of anxiety crawl through my brain. My palms grow clammy. Grinding my teeth, I stare at Lint. She’s sitting in the middle of the cage, utterly still with her little front paws tucked against her chest, surrounded by all her cool new things, looking completely unsure and overwhelmed.
This hamster is my spirit animal.
“Penny?”
“I’m here…my phone cut out for a second.”
“Will you think about coming for a visit soon? We miss you so much.”
“Yes, soon.”
“Are you feeling better?”
I glance at myself in the full-length mirror leaning against the wall next to my closet. Every day, I want to smash it when I walk by. My complexion is so pale it’s borderline translucent. Dark shadows live above my sunken cheeks.
“A little,” I answer.
The next few silent moments are filled with thousands of questions that I know she wants to ask. I wish I could answer them, but how do I explain that I’m being buried alive under an avalanche of overwhelming thoughts and symptoms?
“Talk to me,” she urges gently. “Tell me what’s going on.”
I let out a breath. “The withdrawals are awful, Lily. I feel so sick all the time I can barely function. It took me an hour to drive home from an errand today because I felt so nauseous and dizzy that I had to keep pulling over. It’s usually a fifteen-minute drive. The brain fog is so bad that I can’t put words together or focus on anything. I get horrible migraines, I have tremors and anxiety attacks. My entire body aches and I feel like there’re bugs crawling all over me, even in my brain and my teeth. It’s the worst feeling ever.”
