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The only problem was that during the last few days of that school year, she wouldn’t give me her number or address. I begged her for a way to contact her through the summer, but she wouldn’t budge, she just kept saying she didn’t want to ruin anything, and I had no clue what that meant.
Going into the next school year, I turned down the opportunity to play for a junior hockey team in Pennsylvania. Casey and I got into a rare blowout— screaming at each other, slamming doors. He completely flipped out, yelling at me that he didn’t understand me, that he didn’t even know me anymore, saying that I was throwing away a good thing. I yelled back that I learned how to do that from the best. When he asked what that meant, I screamed at him about not getting Addie back, which just got him even more riled up.
But the real reason I passed it up?
So Fi wouldn’t be alone.
But the first day of senior year, she was nowhere to be found.
I looked for her everywhere, in all her frequent places, the art wing, the theater room, but I couldn’t find her. I finally tracked down some of the AP art kids and asked one of her friends, a girl named Adrienne, what happened to her, but she wouldn’t answer me.
“Fuck this!” I burst at Adrienne in the busy hallway, making a bunch of teachers eye us warily.
“It’s okay,” Adrienne said through clenched teeth. “She went to a better place.”
“What?!” My stomach lurched. I held my mouth. I was going to be sick. My mind immediately jumped to her going back to her abusive ex and ending up hurt, or worse, dead– an ending that I knew all too well. But this time, it was worse because it felt like it was all my fucking fault for not trying harder to contact her through the summer.
Adrienne grabbed my hoodie and roughly shoved me into the nearest empty classroom.
“Calm the fuck down, Tyler!” she ordered, shoving a trash can in front of me. “She’s fine.”
I wasn’t sure what was happening to me, but I couldn’t breathe and my vision was slightly blurring.
“Fucking breath!” she yelled at me, pounding me on the back.
“You made it sound like… like…” I held my chest as I wheezed for air.
She rolled her eyes. “Oh my God. You’re so dramatic, no wonder you two got along so well.”
I shot her an annoyed glare.
She sighed and reached up to pat me awkwardly on the shoulder. “I just don’t think she wants anyone to know where she went. It’s pretty important that she stay hidden from…” her eyes shifted nervously, “people around here.”
“Her parents.” I knew what she was saying.
She nodded. “I’m surprised she told you about them. She never tells anyone. Abusive assholes.” She scoffed and shook her head. “Let me get in contact with her and I’ll see what she wants to say to you, okay?”
I nodded furiously. “Tell her I miss her. Tell her I love her. You’ll do that?”
Pity slid into her dark eyes, and I immediately regretted saying that aloud, because I felt way too vulnerable.
A week later, Adrienne passed me a note in biology class.
My heart pounded as I opened it and took in the sight of Fiona’s loopy handwriting. I concentrated hard on each word, trying to hear her voice as if she were speaking to me.
Ty,
You’re a good one, please never forget that. I’m happy to have known you. Your friendship will always be one of my favorites of all time, and it really meant the entire world to me. What you gave me… it’s more than you can ever know. Like legit- you won’t know, because Iwantit that way. I know you’ve got big dreams, and I really have this feeling that you’re gonna achieve them, so I want you to Go Your Own Way (like Fleetwood Mac, get it? ha-ha).
So please don’t look for me. Get out of this place and get after those dreams of yours. For me too, okay? Then maybe one day, I can say I know an NHL guy. And ya never know, maybe we’ll meet again when we’re both in better head spaces. I like to think we’ll be even greater friends then.
But remember what I said about living without y’all men and it being super peaceful? Well, I finally found a really peaceful place, and I need that right now. Just know that I’m really, really happy here. Like, I can’t even believe that I found this level of happiness. My heart— it isn’t broken anymore. It’s actually so full right now it’s not even funny.
Lastly, please don’t be all sad when you think of me. Be happy. We had so much fun together. Please remember the fun times. Like glitter bombing the fuck out of stupid Bradley Welters’ football locker. I’m cackling just thinking about it now. He’ll rue the fucking day he ever messed with us when you’re in the NHL.
‘Til we meet again, keep the dreamy vibe, Ty.
PS, sorry we listened to ‘Silver Springs’ together, you’ll never forget the sound of my voice now, muahaha!
