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“We don’t have to stay here. If it’s too much for you, we can go,” she said.
I wanted to be strong for her. I knew that this was something that she needed to do. Something she might not have too many more chances to reconcile. “I don’t think I can get out, Dottie.” Her hand found its way to my chin, and she pulled it toward her. Reaching up, she wiped away the tears welling in my eyes.
“You just stay right here, then. It’s alright, I promise you.” She looked at the lake, her eyes were filled with determination. She made her way out of the car and stood on the shore as water wrapped around her ankles. Dottie didn’t move. She just stared at the water with fists balled at her sides.
I was fine. As long as I kept my eyes away from that oak tree, I was perfectly fine. But then her shoulders started shaking, and I thought that if I stayed there any longer, I might never forgive myself for making her do this alone. Twenty-two steps was all that it took for me to reach her. She jumped a little when I slipped my hand into hers.
“He was born in the same bed I sleep in now. Came two months too early, but he was a fighter. Had to be, to put up with what he went through. He was different, and kids were cruel to him. You and him both had that in common, though, didn’t you?”
“Yes ma’am.”
“He would sing to me. Had a real nice voice. He’d walk up and down that old dirt road picking flowers for me and blackberries for his daddy, just singing up a storm.” She turned back, glaring at the rippling water in front of us. “His daddy loved his blackberry cobbler. Crushed up a bunch of sleeping tablets in that last batch I made him. I still don’t know where I got the strength to drag him out to the car that night.”
“Rage. There’s a power in it. After everything that happened to me, when my skin was burning and stinging from the gasoline, I walked seven miles home.” I closed my eyes and leaned against Dottie, resting my head on her shoulder. “My feet were all cut up by the time I got there. Trevor had already called Dad. Told him what he did to me and why he did it. I thought Mom was going to march over there and shoot him, right there on his front lawn. Do you know what Dad said?”
“No, sugar, I don’t.”
“‘Leave it. Might toughen him up. He’s gonna need it where he’s going.’He planned on sending me to one of those conversion camps. Mom, she …” I glanced over at Dottie, already feeling ashamed at what I was about to say. “She put a stop to that.”
Dottie reached out, taking my hand in hers. “Well, thank God one of us got it right.” She lifted my hand to her mouth and kissed it. “I’m really glad he didn’t send you away.”
“You and me both.”
“Caterina said Esther and Martin still don’t even know about that night. Can’t help but wonder how things might have ended up if they had.”
“West Clark would’ve had two faggots to banish instead of one.” I forced a laugh because if I didn’t, I would’ve broken right there beside her. “I would have been proud to have a momma like you, Dottie.”
“Yeah?”
Our eyes met, and it felt like static and purpose were rising from the water, seeping into our skin and solidifying us. “You did the best you could. You’re more than just your mistakes, Dottie. We all are.”
An image of Gray lying in bedthat nightcame into my mind. It seemed so lifelike that I almost believed it was real. There had been anger in his eyes. Anger that we’d been caught, and perhaps, anger at me for landing him in the situation. But there was another look as well. A look of absolute horror as his brother pulled me off of him and out of his room. He was a kid. He was just a kid. We both were. Life had thrown us into an impossible situation, and he did what he had to in order to survive. He let me go.
“We all make them,” I said. “But there isn’t too much that we can’t come back from, is there?”
“No, hon, I guess there isn’t. Tell me something, Kent. You ever been in love?”
“I thought I was once.”
“Gray Collins has been seeing that girl off and on for eight years.” She looked down at her nails as if she were inspecting every cuticle individually for flaws. “Wonder what the holdup is there.”
“He’s not …” I tried to find the words. Any words. Something that might convey just how little Gray Collins was interested in me, and how little I was interested in him. But as she stared at me in front of the lake that took her son—the same lake that she offered her husband up to—I just couldn’t. She’d worn her heart on her sleeve with me, and I couldn’t bring myself to lie. Not to her. Not at that lake. “I thought I was past this. Thought I’d moved on, you know?” I laughed at the absurdity of it all. “I honestly thought that when I left town, I left him behind, too. But he’s always been there. He’s like a ghost that just won’t leave. Sometimes, it’s like nothing ever happened. It’s like it was back then. He gets my jokes, he knows my triggers. He can read me just as easily as he could back then. Even if we can’t getthat partback, that’s okay. I just miss my friend. I want my friend back.”
“Nothing’s stopping you but yourself, sugar. If you want your friend back, then you tell him. Anyone would be lucky to have afriendlike you.”
“Dottie? Would you mind taking the car back to town? I think I want to stay here for a little while.”
“I don’t mind waiting. However long you need, I can just sit in the car.”
I shook my head and let go of her hand so I could grab my phone. “No ma’am. I just need to be on my own for a bit. There are some things I think I have to work through.”
“If you’re sure. You want me to tell your momma to come pick you up later?”
I lifted my phone, showing it to her. “That’s okay. I’ve got this if I need it.”
She nodded, but she didn’t budge. “You’re not going to do anything silly out here, are you? Cause Kent, honey, I don’t know that I could live with myself if something happened to you on my watch.”
“No ma’am. I promise. I’m fine. But there’s a call that I think I need to make, and I don’t know that I’m going to be able to do it with anyone else nearby.”
