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“I think you know that just makes me want to see it even more.”
He lowered his head and held the CD booklet for me to take. I snatched it out of his grip before he could change his mind and flipped through the pages
As I studied the images, my eyes bulged. “Gray Collins, you absolute deviant!” There were so many things to unfold all at once. Pictures that made my heart swell with loving,affectionate cringe.
Gray standing on a church stage as Pentecostal women in their late teens reached up toward him like he was the second coming of Jesus.
Gray, soaking wet with a sultry look on his face as he poured a bottle of anointing oil over his own head.
Then, perhaps the greatest picture to have ever been taken.
“Oh my God-oh my God-oh my God!” I shot the words at him like bullets.
It was too much. It was just far, far too much to take in. I turned to face him, leaving only inches separating us. “This is the best thing I’ve ever seen.” In the booklet, Gray was in the centerfold, arms stretched across a wooden crucifix, wearing a cowboy hat for reasons that I couldn’t quite understand. He was dressed in a button-down shirt with the top three buttons undone. His head was tilted to the side, and the bastard was winking at the camera.
“This is completely sacrilegious, and I love everything about it.”
Gray winced as the words came out. I cocked my head to the side, my smile fading.
“What? What’s wrong?”
“I begged them not to put that one in. They tried to turn me into this contemporary Christian heartthrob. I just wanted to worship God, and they turned it into something dirty.”
I squeezed his wrist. “Then, fuck them. Fuck every single one of them for ruining it for you.” He attempted a smile, but his heart clearly wasn’t in it. So, I closed the booklet, tucking it back into the case. I turned the case around and looked at the list of songs, trying to see if I knew any of the ones he’d chosen. “Awesome God.Great choice.Glorify Thy Name.Another solid—” When I saw the final song on the track list, a lump formed in the back of my throat. “Gray?”
“What’s wrong?”
My thumb brushed over three words that had always been meant just for me.Abide With Me.My lip trembled, and I turned away so he didn’t see the wetness forming in my eyes. Gray took the case from my hand, searching for the source of my upset.
“Oh,” he said before going completely silent.
“Was that for me?”
He didn’t look up. He didn’t answer. He didn’t do a damn thing. But he didn’t deny it.
Grabbing the case and pulling out the CD, I reached for the stereo, my finger hovering over the button. I wanted to hear it. I needed to hear his voice singing that song for me again. “Can we listen to it? Please?” His head bobbed. Just enough movement to let me know it was okay. I slid the CD into the player and skipped to the last track.
Gray’s truck roared as he pulled out of the parking lot. The song started off soft, and a slow piano played out the familiar tune. He came in, his voice somber. By the time he got to the chorus, it was taking everything in me to keep it together.
My song.
Just for you, Half-pint. Just for you.
I squeezed his hand because it was the only thing I could do. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For remembering me.”
“How could I ever forget you?” He leaned down, pressing his lips against my scalp, and he let out a long, beautiful sigh.
When we pulled into Mom’s driveway, Gray put his truck into park. We sat there for a while, neither of us speaking. I’d been cuddled against him the entire ride home, and now that it was over, the act of pulling myself away felt physically impossible. The warmth pumping out of his pores was like immolation, his heat and fire consuming me completely. It was like I’d been aimlessly exploring a frozen tundra for years, and at that moment, in that pickup truck, Gray Collins was my refuge from the ravaging winds I’d grown accustomed to.
I didn’t want it to end. The second I slipped away from him and toward the door, we would lose momentum. The dream. The one where he was still mine, and I would always be his. Gray must have felt it as well, because even though he was breathing a little too fast, and his hand gripped my knee a bit too tightly, he hummed out that special song.
“I looked for you, you know,” I said. “Every few months, I’d search for you online, but you were like a ghost.”
“You tried to find me?” His jaw trembled, and it took everything I had not to reach out and comfort him.
