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His words were still heavy on my heart. Gray came for me? To stop me from leaving? Marty was staring at me, waiting for a response. “I didn’t really have a choice.” I wasn’t sure if he was even aware that I was gay. I wanted to ask him, but the words wouldn’t come. At that moment, it didn’t matter. Marty was the closest thing I had to a father, and he was beaming at me like I was Jesus returning for the rapture. Like I mattered. Like I belonged. “It’s really good to see you again, Marty,” I said, my voice cracking. “I missed you.”
“Missed you too, kiddo. You’ll come see us when we get home, won’t you?” Marty said.
I nodded. As Gray and Marty said their goodbyes, I couldn’t get Marty’s words out of my head. Knowing that he’d come for me—that he must have felt some semblance of regret—would have changed everything. The entire trajectory of my life would have been rewritten.
As soon as the call disconnected, I turned to Gray. “You came to find me that day?” He winced as if the words stung. When he opened his mouth to speak, nothing came out. “Why?” My throat felt like it was on fire. Like flames were rising up and melting the lining of my esophagus. “Gray, why?”
“Why do you think?”
“Were you coming to bring me home? To stop me from leaving?”
He shook his head, and when he spoke, he kept his voice low, as if he was trying to say them so quietly, even God wouldn’t hear. “Daddy told me to go and get you. To bring you back to the house. I knew I couldn’t, not with Trevor still there. Daddy thought I was bringing you home, but I was going to go with you. Those last two months before you left, they’ve stuck with me for twenty years. You have no idea how bad I wanted to take them back.”
Before I’d left—after that night at the lake—Gray and I still had to see each other at school. Monday morning, after the attack, I’d shown up, my face bruised and scabbed over. I’d thought he would pull me aside and tell me everything was going to be okay. That I was still beautiful, battle scars and all. Instead, as soon as I sat at the desk beside him, he picked up his backpack and moved seats. For five minutes, I pleaded with him to talk, but he’d refused to even look at me.
Gray took my hand and turned it over, tracing the small rainbow flag on my wrist. The wetness in his eyes only made the ache in my heart grow stronger.
“I’m so sorry, Kent. I know I let you down back then—that I keep letting you down. Sometimes I feel like I’m still that same scared little kid watching him take you away from me. I keep letting him take you from me.” He jerked his head in my direction suddenly, and I jolted in surprise. “I won’t ever let him touch you again. I’ve got you.”
I’d be lying if I said my heart didn’t skip a beat. I’d also be lying if I said I didn’t lean against him longer than necessary when he hugged me goodnight. I wanted to go further. To make another plea for his love. To tell him he didn’t have to be scared anymore because I’d protect him just like he wanted to protect me. In the end, I leaned forward, kissing him on his cheek.
“You’ve always had me.”
REASON NINE
You’re safe with me.
Aweeklater,Grayinvited me for “the grandest of workplace lunches.” When I clocked out for my thirty-minute scheduled break, he was nowhere to be found. I sat down at the break room table and waited.
And waited.
And then I waited some more.
I sat there for fifteen minutes before he finally walked in, holding a carry-out bag. His eyes were wide, and he mouthedI’m so sorrybefore a woman’s voice made its way in from the hallway.
“Do you need me to grab you a drink, Bun-bun?”
“I’m fine, Bunny. Thanks.” As the lunch-plan-destroyer formerly known as Sarah Thistle, currently known as Bunny, made her way into the room, I did my best to mask my disappointment. Gray had his phone in his hand, tapping furiously at his keyboard.
“Kent,” Sarah said with a smile. “What a lovely surprise. I didn’t realize you’d be joining us.” She looked down at the takeaway bag Gray was holding. “It’s a shame. If I’d known, I would have told Bun-bun to grab something for you.”
“I just ate, actually. My lunch is over in fifteen minutes, anyway.”
Sarah flashed Gray a smile and winked at him. “Looks like I’ve got you all to myself.”
As Gray shoved his phone back into his work smock, mine vibrated in my pocket. I waited a moment before checking it. I didn’t want to give Sarah any reason to ask why we were texting each other instead of simply speaking. After an unbearable moment of radio silence, I pulled out my phone.
Sorry sorry sorry! She just showed up. I’ll make it up to you.
I began clacking at the keys on my phone.
Nothing to be sorry about. She’s your girlfriend. You’re allowed to have lunch with her.
She pulled the lid off of her container, revealing a carb-friendly selection of fajita meat, a hearty amount of guacamole, a small selection of pico de gallo that would easily fit within my daily metrics, and three bell pepper slices that Gray had adjusted to make a smiley face. I sniffled and looked away before I drew any further attention to myself. An impossible task in a space that was the size of a small bathroom.
I picked up my phone and tapped the keys as she rattled on.Thank you. It was a beautiful thought. Love the smiley face.Moments later, my phone vibrated.
Sorry you’re not smiling.
