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“Die in fire,” I said in a ridiculously high-pitched voice. I wasn’t sure if it did much to mask my identity, but Jeff snorted, so I figured that was a good sign.
“You know who I saw the other day?” Kate asked, and I could sense her smirk through the filthy menu in front of my face. I attempted to kick her under the table, but I must have missed, judging by Jeff’s pained squeak. “The ever-elusive Kent Fox.”
For a moment, the entire table fell silent. I removed one hand from my menu, reaching for my drink. I wedged it between my lips and the menu, pouring it into my mouth without dropping either.
“He’s—wait, so he’s …”
“Just moved back,” Kate said. “He’s staying with his mother for the time being.”
“Who’s that, Bun-bun?” Gray’s date said.
“No one.”
“His best friend and my ex,” Kate corrected. “You two used to be inseparable, right, Gray? What was it you two used to call each other? Half-gallon and Two-quart?”
“Half-pint,”he said, sounding pained. “Half-pint and Two-liter.”
Jesus fucking Christ.
“Anyway, he popped into the pharmacy the other day—are you okay, Gray? You’re sweating really bad—and said that he’s here to help out his momma. She’s struggling a bit financially—seriously Gray, you look like you’re choking—Such a sweetheart, our Kent. Left his entire life behind just to help out his mother.” She owed me nothing in the world, and still, Kate had spun a tale that didn’t make me sound like an absolute loser. I could have kissed her for it, Jeff and my homosexuality be damned.
“Bun-bun, what’s wrong?” His date’s voice trailed off as she scurried away from the table.
“Is he gone?” I whispered.
Kate grabbed the top of my menu and tugged it down. “Oh my God, you should have seen it.” She looked at Jeff, who was beaming ear to ear. “He was sweating worse than a whore in church. Wasn’t he, babe?”
“He was freaking out,” Jeff agreed.
“Good freaking out or bad freaking out?” I asked before remembering that I didn’t give a damn one way or the other.
The waitress finally returned with our appetizers: a half-eaten jar of picante sauce and an already-opened bag of Doritos.
“What even is this place?” I said with a groan.
“I don’t know. Jeff? What do you think? Good freaking out or bad freaking out?”
“Define good or bad for me,” Jeff said.
“Can we at least get an unopened jar?” I asked the waitress.
“Good would be … I don’t know. Kent, would Gray looking like he might have a heart attack be considered good or bad?” Kate asked.
“He was sweating real bad, man,” Jeff agreed.
“I’m contacting the health department. There’s no telling who the hell’s double-dipped out of this thing,” I said, still reeling from the shock of seeing Gray. “I wouldn’t eat this if you paid me to.”
“Eat this,” the waitress said, grabbing the salsa and pouring it into my lap.
“I’m leaving you a terrible review on Google. I hope you know that!” When the nameless waitress was gone, I chugged my scotch. And then, because Kate had called me a bitch in front of Gray, I downed her margarita as she scowled.
Introductions and appetizers had certainly been a bust. On the bright side, Gray had disappeared, probably to take his modestly dressed date home. I could once again speak freely without a menu dividing Jeff and myself. Over the next twenty minutes, I asked him about his career. What a typical day was like for him. If Gray had looked like he might cry at any moment. His company’s chain of command. If Gray had stared longingly at the menu I was holding. You know, standard questions one might ask during an informal job interview.
Kate had walked to the counter to get me another drink, as I’d worried people might mistake my salsa-coated crotch for vomit. Jeff and I sat alone at the booth, and I moved into the next stage of my master plan. Unfortunately, I had a pretty decent buzz going on, which loosened my treacherous lips.
“So, listen Jeff. I know Kate mentioned you were expanding your horizons.”
“I don’t think she was serious about that. I think that was just to help you out with Gray.” He fidgeted with his glass, twirling his stirrer around the edge.
