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“That was my fault.” I shuddered at the gravity of our actions. I couldn’t remember the weight of the choice I’d made, but it still hung over my head like a guillotine. If I hadn’t erased my memories, where would we be now?
* * *
Many hours later,Finn decided it was time for us to make camp for the night. He’d brought us to a well-stocked outpost deep within the caves, the chamber spacious enough to accommodate us all comfortably with makeshift beds and a fire pit. I again found myself impressed at the thoroughness of his operation.
As we settled down, Finn began to set up a pot for dinner, Oliver helping him to ignite the flames under the cooking cauldron, pulling supplies from a small chest in one corner. Soon after, a deliciously sweet aroma of fruit emerged from the pot, and our stomachs rumbled with anticipation. I dished out two bowls of the sweet stew, heading toward Callan, who sat by himself on a rock in the dimly lit corner.
I handed him the bowl, sliding in next to him on the rock, letting our thighs brush against each other just slightly. He took a few bites before he put the bowl down, leaving it to the side. “This fruit shit is getting old.”
I smirked a little at his discomfort. He was the definition of a hangry man, but there was nothing I could do about it right now. “You’re going to have to make do.” His sour face made me giggle, and he gave me an appraising look as he watched me. I sobered up, the question I really wanted to know dancing on my tongue. Our earlier ice was broken, and he was as open as I’d ever seen him so far.Better late than never.
“How do you feel, now that you know Lexi is alive?” He flinched slightly when I said her name, and I tensed, waiting for him to yell or berate me for being a nosy bitch. I risked a glance at his face, searching for any sign of emotion.
His normally guarded expression softened as he stared at me, and heat bloomed in my core under his scrutiny. “It’s complicated, Rowan. When I thought she was dead, I mourned her. I grieved the life we should have had before she destroyed it.”
My heart ached as I listened, his unspoken pain worming its way into my chest, but I didn’t dare interrupt. Even if it hurt, I wanted to hear what he had to say. I knew he would have had feelings for her, of course he did, and I had no right to want him to think any differently. But still, I did.
“Now that I know she’s alive, I don’t know what to feel. And I have so many goddamn questions. She’s not the same Lexi I first knew, the one that I thought I loved. That person is gone. She was gone long before she killed my pack, if she was ever really there in the first place. Her actions made me question if what we had was ever really love in the first place.” This was the most I’d ever heard him talk, and I hesitated, afraid to spook away the openness my question had incited within him.
“I can’t even begin to imagine,” I told him, deciding sympathy was my best way to keep him talking.
“I am thankful to you.” My jaw dropped slightly at that. I’d never thought I’d hear words like that coming from his mouth, but I relished them. “No matter how fucked, I’d always prefer to know the truth, and now I know because of you. Lexi is somehow mixed up in all this too, and I’m determined to figure out why.”
“And then what will you do?” A suspiciously light emotion like hope was beginning to blossom in my chest. It would do me no good. Even if he didn’t want to be with Lexi anymore, that still didn’t make him my mate. There was someone out there for me still, and it wasn’t Callan. It couldn’t be Callan.
“I will kill her. And make sure she stays that way. I have not forgotten that she is the one responsible for taking those young shifters’ lives.” He was right. They’d needed shifter hearts to help break out Queen Tantaii, in addition to my blood. And Lexi had been the rogue werewolf killing all those victims. She needed to pay for that.
A thought struck me.
“Lily told me that when one mate dies, the other one usually does too.” I wasn’t asking a question, but my mind was racing with the possibility of his plan. What if he was only still alive because Lexi was? If Lexi died, wouldn’t Callan die too?
“I’m prepared for that eventuality,” he said, not meeting my eyes. The hard set of his jaw told me there would be no arguing, so I didn’t bother. Lexi wasn’t dying anytime soon, and I had no right to have a say over what he chose to do with his life.
“I’m grateful too,” I said finally, deciding if he could lower a wall and let me in, I could do the same. Hardening our hearts was good for our sanity, but it made for a lonely existence. “For saving me that night, and bringing me to the pack. And that you decided to come through the portal. I feel safer with you here, something familiar in this strange new world I’m trying to navigate.”
“We’ll get your memories back,” he said, the assuredness in his voice reassuring me.
“I worry that I made the right choice, I don’t think I did. I know it was to escape my brother, but I can’t help wondering what I left behind. What I forgot.”
“None of us can fault you for that. You did what you felt was right.”
I appreciated his words, but my insecurities still gnawed at me, chewing through, layer by layer. “But what if I missed out on something important? What if I left someone behind who needed me?”
Callan reached out and gently touched my hand, his warm fingers wrapping around my cold ones gently, sending shivers down my spine. “You can’t change the past, Rowan. All you can do is work toward the future. I think we could both probably learn from that lesson.”
I peeked a glance at him, shadows dancing across his handsome features. My heart pounded in my chest as he turned to look at me, the tension between us deepening until I could almost taste it. Our eyes locked, and I looked away quickly. He squeezed my hand, and my head turned, almost against my own volition.
Our eyes locked again, and this time, I didn’t look away. There was a vulnerability in Callan’s gaze, a flicker of something intense and raw. It mirrored my own gaze, and I couldn’t ignore the growing tension between us any longer. My mouth moved before my brain could catch up, bulldozing its way through my life like it usually did.
“What is this?” My voice was barely above a whisper, and if it wasn’t for the slight widening of his eyes, I would have thought I never spoke. “Don’t tell me you don’t feel it too.”
Callan swallowed hard, his eyes never leaving mine. “Rowan, I . . .” He trailed off, seemingly at a loss for words. I took a deep breath, my heart pounding in my chest as I waited for him to speak. He moved his hand, slowly sliding from my arm to my cheek, his burning touch gentle as it feathered my skin. “We can’t. And you know why.”
We were close enough that I could feel the heat radiating from Callan’s body, and I longed to bridge the gap between us and crush my lips over his. There was no Mating Moon this time, no outside influence to the heat I was feeling. This was all me, and all targeted toward Callan.
“What if I don’t care?” I whispered.
Callan’s eyes were hooded pits by this time, his turmoil evident as he fought his instincts. He closed his eyes briefly, and when he opened them again, his steel mask was back in place as he dropped his hand from my face. “I do. I’ve told you before. As much as I would love to take you to my tent and have my way with you, I’ve done my time. This would only end in heartache when you eventually find your mate.”
