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“I just thought it was cute, the way you said you hate futility. Made me wonder if there are people who enjoy futility.”
“Please stop being so frustrating.”
“What am I doing now?” he asked, voice dropping, expression warm.
“You’re talking to me. You’re looking at me. You’re making me question everything, and I don’t want to question anything. It’s exhausting, and it’s late.”
“It is late, and I don’t want you feeling so frustrated and confused. There’s no need for confusion. What we have here isn’t going to go away, and whether I come in your room or don’t, tomorrow morning I will still want you as much as I do now. There’s no getting you out of my system. It’s too late for that.”
“But if you come in. If we get… closer… I’ll lose, not just my heart, but my self-esteem, and I can’t have that. I can’t do life, or love, your way. I can’t just be squeezed into a corner of your life. I’d want so much more. I’d need so much more. I’d need… everything.”
*
He said nothing,and she hurt on the inside, everything tender and raw. She wanted to launch herself at him and shake him or launch herself at him and kiss him until he broke and wanted her. Until he needed her. Closing the distance between them, Ella grabbed Baird by his coat lapels and stood on tiptoe to kiss him. The minute her lips touched his she felt a jolt of electricity. Heat flared, a lick of fire that brought everything fiercely to life.
This was what she had been waiting for, this was what she had been wanting.
His mouth felt achingly familiar, the pleasure just as intense as it had been in August. Kissing him was a relief. It took her out of her head and put her firmly in her body. She loved the pressure of his body, the firmness of his mouth, the scent of his skin, the hunger in his kiss.
He felt like home, felt like everything she loved and needed. But now that she’d found him, how was she just supposed to let him go? How was she supposed to forget his mouth, his taste, his kiss?
Ella ended the kiss and stepped back, crossing her arms tightly over her chest, trembling from head to toe. She shouldn’t have done that, shouldn’t have thrown caution to the wind. Every touch, every kiss, only added to the potential heartbreak. “I hope you’re satisfied.”
“You don’t sound satisfied,” he answered.
“I shouldn’t have kissed you. It was a mistake.”
“Why do those words sound familiar?”
“I hoped that by kissing you I would get you out of my system.”
“Did it work?”
“No. It just makes me more frustrated with you.”
“We can’t have that,” he answered reaching out to bring her close again, his arms wrapping around her, holding her firmly to his chest. “A frustrated Ella is very unhappy Ella.”
She wanted to cry. There was no reason to cry. Nothing had changed. The world was exactly the same. “It’s your fault. You are not supposed to be this attractive, not to me, not anymore.”
His head dipped, his lips brushed her temple, between the arch of her eyebrow and her hairline. “I find you equally maddening,” he said, brushing another kiss across her cheekbone. “All Christmas I thought of you. All Christmas I wished I was with you. I wasn’t thinking of you naked, either. I wasn’t thinking about sex. I was thinking about you, and how much I missed you, and how hard it will be when you leave.”
Ella closed her eyes as his lips traveled along the jaw and then underneath her jaw. She sighed. “So, you care for a little bit for me.”
“I do.”
“And you’ll miss me.”
“Very much.”
If that was supposed to make her feel better, it didn’t. She took a deep breath, and gently eased away, trying to control the wild beating of her heart. “Will I see you in the morning?”
“Why wouldn’t you?”
“I don’t know. Sometimes you’re just gone when I wake up.”
His features tightened. “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be here in morning.”
*
