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“So, now I’ve become your research paper.”
“No, but I am trying to make sense of it. To make sense of you. I just don’t understand why someone like you, someone who is successful and kind and apparently well-adjusted, would be so incredibly negative about marriage and family, the very thing that brings most people meaning and joy.”
“Stop analyzing me. Stop overthinking. It’s not helping, and you’re just going to ruin whatever is left of us. Stop while we have some good memories—”
She laughed. “I have a feeling you said the same thing to Fiona.” She took a step back and then another one. “I imagine you were very calm and centered. Mr. Mature letting his love of many years go. Did you open the door for her, or just close it after she was gone?”
“I’m not going to do this.” Baird stepped around her, avoiding making any contact with her. “I’m sorry you’re upset. I’m sorry you’re disappointed. I appreciate that you’re passionate and emotional, but it’s a little unhinged—”
“Unhinged?” she cried. “I’m not allowed to feel deeply? To grieve that something that could be wonderful is ending?”
“Feelings this strong can’t be good. Not for me.”
“Did none of your sisters ever cry? Did they never have a broken heart? Did you treat them scornfully then?”
“You’re tired. It’s late.”
“Do not, Baird, do not patronize me. Do not mansplain love to me, especially when you don’t know what love is.”
He stepped into her space, towering over her. “I know what love is. But this… this isn’t love. This is…” He shook his head, voice drifting away. “This isn’t right. This isn’t healthy, or mature love. Fiona and I had a mature relationship—”
“Please. Don’t say that you had a mature relationship. It doesn’t sound mature, it sounds empty and cold. I would never be satisfied with a quiet, mature relationship. I want mad-crazy passion.”
“Obviously. It fits the mad-crazy part of you.”
“You’re right. I’m mad crazy right now. I’m mad crazy for you. I’m mad crazy fighting for you. I refuse to let you go without a fight. I refuse to just wave you off and act as if you don’t mean more to me than any other man I’ve ever met.”
He said nothing and she knew her mad crazy had just scared him off. If he hadn’t already been done, he was certainly over it—and her—now.
She sniffled, holding tears back. “I think love should be passionate. I think desire should be strong. Which is why I’m glad Fiona gave you an ultimatum, and I’m glad you set her free. Fiona deserved more from you. She deserved all of your heart. She deserved to be swept off her feet, and to have you make her feel like the most wonderful woman in the world, and if you couldn’t do that, you were the wrong man for her.”
“We’ve already agreed on that.”
“Then let’s also agree that love should be a positive. Love should be big and inspiring, full of hope and wonder, as well as courage and conviction. You should love someone so much that you will spend the rest of your life fighting to protect that love, and fighting for the best for the person you love.” She moved close, put her hand on his chest, her palm pressed over his heart. “Baird, if it’s your work in family law that has made you mistrust people, then you should get a different job. If your work has made you cynical, your work is terrible for you. No matter how much you earn.”
Ella dropped her hand and took several steps back, shoving her hands into her jean pockets to keep from touching him again. “I’m glad we had tea tonight. I’m glad you told me you were leaving. And as brutal as it was, I’m glad we had this talk. I understand everything so much better, and why you can’t care for me—”
“Idocare for you,” he snapped.
“But not enough. Not that way I want to be loved. And if I’d known all this back in August, I wouldn’t have hurt as much. I would have realized you weren’t the one for me. I would have realized that while kissing you was fun, you’re not good for my heart, and you’re not good for my head.”
She took another step back, her voice cracking. “The next time I love someone, it’s going to be someone who will let me be me, full of mad-crazy love. And I hope for you that you find your perfect woman and you love her and, once you love her, she breaks your heart just a little bit.”
“Why?” he demanded.
“Not all the way. Just enough for you to realize that love is precious, and life is short, and we can never take either for granted.”
*
Ella needed air.She needed space.
She walked quickly to the mudroom and grabbed her coat on the way out the door.
It had begun to snow. She stopped and just looked up. The snow was falling silently, thickly, large white flakes tumbling from the sky.
It was beautiful, it was painful. She’d been wanting snow since she’d arrived and now it was here. Snow falling, covering everything in white.
Her heart hurt. She hurt. She couldn’t do this with Baird anymore.
