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I look from it to him, then decide to take it, not wanting him to be able to see me like this. He lost that fucking right. I secure the robe, grab my gun, then shoulder check him on my way past to my wardrobe. I slip into a pair of cheeky panties and tug my sleep shirt over my head, then pull the elastic from my wrist and tie my hair in a messy bun atop my head, not giving a fuck that it will be a knotted mess in the morning. I take a shuddering breath as I ready myself to head back into my bedroom and pray to God that he took the hint and left, because I don’t have it in me to fight with him.
Wishful thinking.
There he sits on the end of my bed with his face covered by his hands. At the sound of my approach, his head snaps up. His brows draw in at the sight of me.
“Nice shirt.” I look down and mentally facepalm myself. I didn’t even think when I put this on. It’s the shirt I used to sleep in when I would stay over at his apartment. I don’t even know how I ended up with it to be honest, but I sleep in the faded band shirt every night. I don’t answer him as I move to the window and lean against the wall gazing out at the night sky. The stars are bright and out in force tonight. “Sin–”
“Don’t speak, Kacey.” I keep my gaze on the late-night sky as I work up the nerve to finally tell him how I feel. I’ve never been good at talking about feelings. “Two years ago, I allowed myself to fall in love and trusted someone other than my family. I have never trusted anyone who isn’t related to me, but I trustedyou.” I hear his sharp exhale. “I thought at eighteen years old I was being crazy and there was no way I could be this in love with someone after nine months. I gave you my whole heart. I let you see the real me. I gave you a part of me no one else will ever get to have. I gave you all of my firsts. Now, two years later and after everything you said to me, I know you won’t be my last.”
“Like fuck I won’t.”
A humorless chuckle leaves me. “Don’t bullshit me. I give you this though, you were right about not being enough for me.” A pained sound comes from behind me but I push on. “If you were the man I thought you were, you wouldn’t have pushed me away when I so fucking clearly chose you over the people I pledged my life to.” I tear my gaze from the sky and slowly turn to face him. He stands mere feet away from me with a pained look on his face. “I fell in love with a lie. I forgave you for that lie and loved you for who you truly are, but you couldn’t give me that same respect.”
“What do you want me to say?” he shouts as he throws his hands in the air. “I will never be able to give you the life that you live right now. I’m a fuck up, Chanel. My own family wants nothing to do with me because they are smart enough to realize being close to me means they get hurt.”
“I’m not them!” I scream.
“I know that!”
“Then why the fuck are you here?”
“Because I can’t stay the fuck away from you. I love you–”
“Don’t fucking patronize me, Kacey. You don’t know what the fuck that word means.”
“Yeah, I do. It meansyou. You are the closest thing I have ever had to happiness. You drive me fucking insane because you walk around acting like you are some badass and hey, babe, I know you are. But let’s be real, behind closed doors you needme. I need you just as much but I will fuck it up. I am a fuck up.”
“That wasn’t your decision to make! It’s my choice to love you and be with you. You don’t get to decide that for me!” Fuck, torturing someone is so much easier than having this fucking conversation.
“Loving me will cost you. Just ask my brother… Oh wait, you can’t because he’s dead!” My eyes widen as understanding dawns on me. He pushed me away because he thinks him loving me will get me killed. His family abandoned him and he’s scared I’ll do the same.
“You stupid asshole. I’m not your family. Unlike them, I don’t give up. You are worthy of being loved, Kacey–”
“I can’t–”
“Shut the fuck up!” He clamps his mouth closed. “You have a decision to make right now because I will not keep doing this. You either choose me or you get the fuck out and never come back because if you do leave, I swear on my honor, the next time I see you we will be on opposite sides. I’ll kill you where you stand.” He tugs on his hair and begins to pace my room while I stand here with my heart on my throat. I keep my face blank, not wanting him to see that I’m beginning to panic that he won’t choose me.
“You don’t understand what you are asking of me.”
“I understand exactly what I am asking.”
“I’m an agent.” The air rushes from my lungs. I nibble on my bottom lip as I finally understand what is really troubling him.
“That’s what this is about, me being a Murelo and you being an FBI agent? You can’t be with me because your job won’t allow it.” He frowns in confusion. “Get the fuck out and go back to your job, Kacey. Have a great life.” I turn my back to him and stare out the window fighting back fucking tears. I hate that my eyes constantly leak these days.
A strangled gasp leaves me when the back of my neck is gripped and I’m forced back against the wall as he crowds my space. His breaths are coming in short rapid pants, blue eyes burning with anger.
“You shut the fuck up and let me finish for once.” I cock my head to the side and stare up at him with a blank look on my face. “Fuck everything else, if being an agent means I don’t get you then fuck it, I quit.” My mouth parts in surprise. “I may not be able to give all of this shit–”
“I don’t need this. All I have ever wanted wasyou,” I admit. His face softens as he gently reaches out and cups my cheek. Leaning down, he rests his forehead against mine.
“I’m a fuck up, baby. I failed at being a son and an agent. I’ll probably fail at being a boyfriend but if you give me a chance, I swear I will never stop trying to be better for you. I love you, Chanel, and I am so sorry I thought you would be better off without me. I allowed my insecurities to get the better of me because I thought years down the road when you finally wanted a house, I would never be able to give you that.”
“You stupid prick, I don’t need a building to have a home.”
“What?”
Reaching out I place my hand over his heart. “My home is right in front of me. You are all I need, Kacey.” A smile splits across his face.
