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I glance at Samuel, and he gives a subtle nod. “Sure. I’ll let her cuddle her father one more time.” I place Rose on the bed, and she sits on top of Samuel. He grunts and exaggerates her heaviness, and she giggles. He lifts her in the air and plants a smoochy kiss on her cheek.
“See you soon, princess.”
“You know she’s going to believe it’s her name as you use it so often.”
Samuel chuckles. “It’s not a bad thing.”
I roll my eyes and smile at Caroline. She stands and comes to hug me. “Thank you for giving us time to spend with Rose. We really appreciate it.”
“It makes us happy you can spend time with Rose,” I emphasize. I pack up her belongings and pluck a screaming Rose from Samuel and place her in the stroller. “I’ll walk your parents down to the car,” I tell him.
I slowly rock the stroller to calm Rose while his parents hug Samuel goodbye. We walk the long hallways of the hospital until we get to the parking lot. Rose is almost asleep by the time we get to my car.
“She’ll only rest for an hour and then go down again after lunch.”
Christopher lifts Rose and clips her into her car seat. “We’ll let her sleep then take her down to the beach.” He smiles at me as though he’s excited to have time with Rose.
“If you have any trouble, let me know, and I’ll come straight home. I can either uber it or Mum can come get me. I don’t want you making another trip with Rose.”
“We’ll be fine. And thank you,” Caroline chirps.
After waving goodbye, I use the time to mull over all the questions I want to ask Samuel, especially why he considered struggling through this alone.
* * *
After Samuel wakes, our conversation is trivial, starting with the details of our dinner last night and how his parents got on well with mine.
My questions start slowly and recount his dreams over the past few months.
“I didn’t want to mention this,” he says and looks warily at me. “And I know you’ll object without consideration.”
“What? Tell me, please.”
“I’ve been contemplating returning to Peru and taking ayahuasca.”
“Nooo,” I whisper.
“It’s a way for me to understand what’s happening with my body. Find some answers.”
“Have you forgotten what happened the last time? How a dark entity interfered, and it could have been disastrous.”
“The circumstances were different. This will help me to find the answers within my body. Not to connect with another shaman as powerful as—” He stops and looks at me. His eyes turn sad, and then he looks up at the ceiling. “It’s the only way.”
“It’s not theonly way.You must have faith in modern medicine as much as you do the shaman. I know you miss him, but you must find the strength to get through this.”
“Don’t you think I’ve been trying?” he murmurs and not in anger, more in despair.
I stare at him. Until now, my gentle probes haven’t worked so I cross my arms. “Then fucking try harder.”
His eyes widen. “You don’t know what I’ve been through.”
“I have a fair idea by the details you have shared. You have a lot at stake here, and giving up isn’t what we signed up for as a couple. So do what you must and stop trying to avoid the inevitable. I’ll find another way… even find some herbalist here if we need to, but you aren’t traveling back to Peru, so get that plan out of your goddamn head.”
His nostrils flare. I sit on the edge of the bed and hold his hand, ignoring the stubborn anger rolling off him in waves.
“Get mad. Be sad. We’re in this together, and we’re not leaving Australia, at least not until you’re a lot bloody stronger than you are now.”
He shakes his head, and a tear rolls down his cheek. Then another. I want to weaken and hug him and let him do what he needs to do, only I can’t. I need to be tough and help him get through this without ayahuasca becauseI’llnever forget the last time.
