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I then got the bright idea that a change of scenery might help, so I’d come to Mexico. But I should’ve realized you can never run from heartache. Just like the broken organ in your chest remains beating, the pain follows you across time and distance.
I’d spent the last week taking long walks on the beach or going to mass at the church my abuelita had taken me to when I was a kid. Being there was both comforting and agonizing, considering she had passed when I was eight. After spending the last few days sitting on the cathedral benches, today I warily eyed the confessional. For reasons I couldn’t imagine, I pushed myself to my feet and started inside the box.
Once I sat down, I bowed my head. The shade slid open, and a kind voice spoke to me in Spanish. “Yes, my child.”
I replied back to him in Spanish. “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It’s been...” I swallowed. “Obviously far too long since my last confession.”
“What is on your heart, my child?”
A mirthless laugh bubbled from my lips. “My heart? It’s broken.”
“What has happened?”
Through my sobs, I told the priest about everything that had transpired between Noah and myself. Well, I did manage to keep it as G-rated as possible so as not to horrify him or potentially condemn me into reciting the rosary too many times. When I finished, tears dripped from my cheeks onto my lap.
“From what you describe, you come from a home where love has always been sacrificial. That is how it should be in marriage. It is the same with the love of Christ. You aren’t asking more than you should. If this isn’t what the man is capable of giving, then it was best to cut things off between you. While it might cause heartache now, you are protecting yourself from more pain in the future.”
Although his words should’ve made me feel better, they didn’t. Instead, I just cried harder. “Pray for the Lord to give you strength and direction. That’s the only thing that will heal you.”
“Yes, Father,” I replied.
I was so sick of crying and took myself home.When will I stop feeling so defeated? So alone?I still couldn’t understand how I could feel so incredibly bereft when I’d only known Noahintimatelyfor such a short time.Shouldn’t I be over this loneliness by now?How I wished my parents’ and siblings’ flight had been early. That was the thought that hit me when I arrived home to a silent house.
Tomorrow I would turn twenty-three. Like every year since I was born, I’d celebrate with my dad’s extended family in Mexico. My abuelo had been a first-generation immigrant, so all of his family still resided in Guadalajara where he was from. Tomorrow evening there would be an enormous party with all my favorite foods. Since I was now of age, I also got to partake in my favorite alcohol, which was white tequila.
Turning my head, I eyed the two crates that had arrived yesterday. Tequila wasn’t just my favorite alcohol—it was the drink of choice for most of my family. Although we might attend mass regularly, it never kept us from imbibing spirits.
It was then a thought echoed through me. There was only one thing that was going to get me through my birthday all alone.
And that was tequila.
Lots and lots of pure agave tequila. Lucky for me I found myself in the state of Jalisco, which housed the famous tequila fields. That meant I had the purest and best at my disposal. The kind that would obliterate your mind, body, and soul.
Glancing around the empty kitchen, I sighed. There was nothing more pathetic than getting shit-faced by yourself, but desperate times called for desperate measures. After grabbing a hammer out of the utility drawer, I went over to the crate, popped it open, and dug through the packing materials for a bottle. Once I had one in hand, I went to the cabinet and took out a shot glass.
I poured the tequila to the brim and then raised the glass to toast my imaginary guests. “This first shot is for being a dumb chick who caught feelings from what was supposed to be a one-night stand.”
Flipping my head back, I let the bitter gulp burn its way down my throat to where it radiated warmth through my stomach. “Oh yeah, that’s good stuff.” Grabbing the bottle, I poured another one. “And this one goes down for being betrayed by my vagina once again.” I stared contemptuously down at my crotch. “Without you leading me to make poor decisions, I would’ve never had a one-night stand in the first place.”I wouldn’t have broken my heart.
Another flick of my wrist, another scorching fiery gulp, another lamentation. “This shot is for being stupid enough to think after all my fucked-up history with men that Noah would actually put me first in his life.”
That one burned exceptionally hard.
The priest’s words kept rattling around in my brain…or was it the tequila. I was hopelessly aware that I came from an exceptional home. True love. Sacrificial.It’s why I want that for myself.But was he right?
“You aren’t asking more than you should. If this isn’t what the man is capable of giving, then it was best to cut things off between you. While it might cause heartache now, you are protecting yourself from more pain in the future.”
“Pray for the Lord to give you strength and direction. That’s the only thing that will heal you,” I muttered. “Well, not right now, Father. I’m still stuck in the heartache, and not quite ready to pray that. Tequila is my saving grace at the moment.”
By the seventhshot, I’d not only started slurring, but my shaky hands would no longer allow me to pour. So, I merely tipped the bottle back and sucked it down.
Tequila didn’t make my clothes fall off, but it did make me want to sing and dance. After turning on the stereo system, I flipped through the channels until I found a song I liked. I then proceeded to dance around the living room, spilling tequila in my wake along with singing off-key. Normally, I had a decent voice that I’d inherited from Dad, but it waned when I was drunk.
I don’t know how long I’d been singing and dancing when a voice shouted at me. “Gaby!”
At the sound of my name, I startled, sending the tequila bottle to the floor, shattering. I spun around, which caused my head to swim. Since I didn’t have my contacts in and had left my glasses in the car, I could barely make out the forms in front of me. But then realization hit me.
My parents and siblings stood in the doorway staring at me with a mixture of both shock and horror. My lips curved in a smile. “Ay dios mio, mi familia! You scared the shit out of me.” I giggled. “Like seriously, I almost pissed my pants.”
