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“I know.” He hangs his head in shame and sorrow, and groans again, “I know.”
I scoff and pour more wine. I’ll need to open another bottle imminently.
“If that guy can really make you happy, then I’ll be happy for you. If he can give you what I never could, then great. Great.”
He finally looks up at me and I shoot him daggers in response. “You get no say in my life, pal. Is that why you’re here? Just because you saw me with another guy? I need no measure whatsoever of whatever approval you’re trying to give me.”
“You deserve better than me,” he insists.
“I do.”
“I did the right thing, then.”
My face contorting, I don’t like the way his words make me feel and I’m going to let him know it. “Nothing, and I mean, nothing would’ve ever stopped me being with you. I watched you with other women, I bought you condoms. I removed your drugs, I watered down your alcohol. I paid your bail money in America. I slept in hotel bathrooms with you to make sure you didn’t choke on your own vomit during the night. And you still don’t get it, do you?”
He wipes his eyes and says nothing.
“I would’ve loved you no matter what, and I don’t care what you say, I would’ve never let anything come between us. Nothing. But you did. You did, Albie. I would’ve done anything for you. Absolutely anything.”
“Mira, I’m sorry—” He starts to full-on cry.
Tears are falling down my cheeks and I’m drinking wine between taking gasping breaths, my vision not clear, my teeth chattering, every part of me feeling broken, all over again.
“I want you so much! I still want you!” he cries.
“I’m not that person anymore,” I whisper softly. “All you gave me is pain.”
“I know… and I wanted to save you from that.”
“No, no, no!” I yell drunkenly. “If you’d really wanted to save me, you’d have never done what you did. And you can’t take it back. That day you walked away, and what’s happened since, you cannot take back.”
“If you believe I never loved you, fine. Believe it. But the truth is, I love you. I always have, always will. I love you, Mira. And I saved you from me. That’s why I did what I did. So throw as much sanctimony at me as you like, but I let you go to save you. And now I can see, the girl I once knew, she was but a speck of the full article you will become. I knew it. You’re worth so much more… and I knew it.”
“I am worth more… and now I want you to go.” I’ve drained my wine so I pull my knees to my chest, hugging myself.
“If you promise me that you won’t settle.”
“Why would I settle?” I growl, head buried in my knees.
“It’s what people do. They settle. And I don’t want that for you.”
Suddenly I’m reminded of what Miles said. He asked me not to jump in with anyone else. He nearly begged me. And then memories of me and Miles in bed, how wonderful it was that night…
I look up and see Albie staring at me, like he sees right through me and knows Aidan isn’t the one for me. The same as I know it, too. Aidan isn’t someone I could talk to about the deeper mysteries of life or why some musicians keep the flaws in their recordings… or why some albums are thought to have hidden meanings in them.
Aidan’s a jolly, jokey type of person who was talking to me tonight about buying houses, scaling back his work… and that is not normal. That is way too fast… too eager. He’s hiding something.
“I promise I won’t.”
“You really mean it, Mira? If you truly give yourself to someone, promise me, you’ll mean it. Do it because he’s the right one for you. Not just someone you settle for.”
I gulp and nod. “I promise.”
He gets up to leave and says, “I will never forget how you comforted me after Mum died.”
Fresh tears spill down my cheeks. “It’s what people do when they love someone, right?”
He nearly chokes and has to hold a hand over his mouth. “You won’t forget, Mira? Promise you’ll find someone you really will go all the way with.”
