AllFreeNovel
Share Us
It never kept its distance.
It was just her waking up in the middle of the night with fire everywhere, nothing but Grant yelling her name and digging her out of the burning rubble.
I’m guessing it would’ve been a closed casket funeral if her parents burned to death so horribly. And I wonder, does Nell want to come with me because she knows what it’s like?
To have to say goodbye without anything to say goodbye to?
My heart feels so wrung out.
Maybe I’m reading too much into it, although she’s the smartest little girl I’ve ever met. She’s obviously got a crazy high emotional IQ.
But there’s something in her eyes when she looks at me.
Something that says she needs to come with me.
She needs to be there.
She needs to comfort me.
“Okay,” I say, and I tell myself I’ll march her right out if she can’t handle it for even half a second. “Okay, kiddo. We’ll talk to your uncle. If he says it’s fine, you can come. I bet my mom would love to meet you. Now, let’s go see what Grant made for dinner.”
* * *
To saythings are a little tense around the house would be a mammoth understatement.
Yes, it’s my fault.
Grant’s quiet as always, yet gentle and warm, and if I catch him starting to reach for me now and then before he drops his hands with a firm glance, it only stings for an instant.
Mostly, it’s a painful reflection of what I feel.
I want to reach for him so bad, to hold him tight and never let go.
But I can’t ask him to carry the disembodied mess I am right now.
A walking piece of crap who told him to his face I can’t commit.
Jesus.
I only hope he’ll wait for me, knowing full well I don’t deserve it.
Also, I know ten years should be long enough for anyone to make up their mind.
I’ve been love starved and so has he, but my heart doesn’t care. It’s fallen into a vacuum where time doesn’t matter among all the feelings.
I need to get myself together first, to find my footing again, and then I can make it right.
Then I’ll hopefully be someone worthy of a hero.
We don’t talk much over dinner.
It’s paella tonight, and he followed the trend I set, making half of it spicy enough to kill us ten times over and the other half mild.
I’m a little surprised when he gives permission to let Nell tag along after some grave consideration. It’s a hard silent moment, dense thoughts clashing behind his eyes, that make me realize that no matter what happened between us, he trusts me with his little girl.
Ouch.
It’s beautifully painful.
