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I take a deep breath in and start imagining my environment from behind my eyelids. I’m at Stratham University. I’m in a beautiful book cathedral that resembles the George Peabody library. I’m safe. I repeat these thoughts a few more times to help calm the internal turmoil that I feel.
There is a job to do, and I can’t afford to lose my shit right now—it’s too public. I pick up my invisible big girl panties and keep moving forward. I lean over, turn the monitor back on and scrutinize over the photo.
I can’t seem to force myself to stare at Isaac, so I look at the senator’s wife instead. That’s definitely Connie—the woman who owned the foster home and took care of Ivy and me. But more importantly, if that’s Caleb’s mom, then that has to be Caleb’s dad.
I stare at the beady-eyed politician and acknowledge that the silent man who took part in raping me is Caleb’s father. Bile rises in my throat, coating the back of my tongue, desperate to come out. I go looking for one monster and end up finding two.
I think I’m going to be sick. It’s time to go. I pull my smart phone out and take a picture of the mocking photo on the computer screen. I may not be strong enough to stare at their faces today, but I will be.
One day they’ll be nothing but ashes of a memory. I just have to get there. One step at a time.
* * *
Krewella’s “Ghost” blasts in my earbuds, and my calves burn as I push harder up the last stretch of road back to campus. Halfway up the hill, Stratham comes back into view with its lavish landscape and ancient architecture. It really is breathtaking.
There’s always something eerily beautiful on the path back to Stratham this time of morning. With the fog hanging low and the cool air, it’s just something that words can’t accurately describe.
I slow my pace and raise my hands above my head to open up my lungs. Once my heart rate begins to slow back to normal, I pull a small joint out of my running vest and decide to walk back the rest of the way.
Celeste is back on her anti-drug campaign, but we’ve gotten real familiar with her Canadian Whiskey. We haven’t done much other than go to class, and when she feels like a “change in scenery”, we go to the library to get homework done. Even dinner is either food we have stocked in our kitchen, or a run to the dining hall—but we never stay there.
It’s been peaceful and quiet. Honestly, it’s been everything that I’ve wanted since I got here a year ago. Even Dr. Lewis and Dr. Weaver have given me time off this semester. Therapy sessions and the regular meetings with Dr. Weaver are on pause until fall.
I rub my wrist tattoo, wishing I could summon Ivy on command. I must be high, though, because I swear, I can hear her say‘I’m not a fucking genie’.I snort out loud at the thought, causing the smoke I was holding in to burn on its way out.
“Dammit, Ivy, that was a good hit too.”
“I thought you said the burn was the best part.”Her response to my outburst is clear in my mind, reminding me of one of our stolen nights when we all met up at St. Michael’s to hang out. Much to my sister’s surprise, that would be the night that we would smoke weed for the first time.
“…Cough. I said the cough was the best part.” I giggled.
Elijah was sitting on my left, and Caleb at my right. Micah sat next to Ivy on the stairs, rubbing her back, trying to help ease the high that was surely coming.
“I can’t believe we’re doing this here. Isn’t it sacrilegious to be smoking marijuana at a church?” she whispered in between coughs.
“Nah, we’re good, Ivy. It’s not like we’re smoking at the altar. Besides, weed is natural,” Caleb assured her. I just rolled my eyes.
“Why am I tasting little pieces of weed in my mouth?” she questioned, pinching her tongue to get the little bits of weed out of her mouth.
“Because Caleb can’t roll worth shit. Next time, let me do it,” Elijah answered, reaching around me to punch Caleb’s shoulder.
“No way. You don’t ever break it up right,” Micah added, still rubbing Ivy’s back.
“Do you guys think that when we’re born, our death is already calculated? Like, could there be a mathematical calculation based on where and when we’re born that could tell us when we’re going to die?” I wondered aloud. “We would have to add the variables like people, conversations, and decisions, but I think it could be calculated.”
Caleb laughed. “That’s it, she’s cut off.”
We all laughed at that. Leave it to me to search for the answers to the universe while smoking weed at a beachside church.
My heart warms at the fleeting memory. Those were some great times. The guys were so different then, so carefree and fun. If only I could bottle those moments and live in them forever.
I walk through the ornate gates of Stratham University, like I’m walking through a time machine bringing me back to the now, and turn towards Emily Hall.
I miss my sister so damn much.
In my heart, I truly believe my sister sent Celeste to me just so that I could have someone close. They look nothing alike, but their behavior is so similar it’s eerie. And to think, I was with Celeste weeks ago for her first-time trying marijuana too. I smile at the thought as I get to my dorm room.
Thank you, Ivy.
