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Yes, you read that right.
I’ve kissed one, made out with another, and slept—nothing more, just slept—with the third.
And I want more. I want it all.
One of these guys is all thunder and lightning. He’s angry wind and tempest. Another is a calm lake on a July day, all hot sun shining on its surface and cool dark depths beneath. And the third...he’s the sea, with all of its constancy and children’s laughter. Is there any wonder that I want it all—passion, peace, and play?
I had no intentions of getting myself involved in a single relationship, because my life is pretty screwed up right now and I can’t afford any extra drama, but here I am actually considering multiple relationships.
Is this normal? Is there something wrong with me that I would even think like this?
Yours,
J
∞∞∞
Dear J,
There’s a lot to unpack here.
First, stop shaming yourself for being attracted to multiple people. There’s nothing abnormal about it, nothing unusual, and certainly nothing wrong. Whether people want to confess to it or not, they don’t lose the ability to recognize things that appeal to them in others simply because they’re in a relationship with someone.
And therein lies the rub.
How we choose to handle our attraction to various people is entirely up to us. We may choose to ignore one potential relationship in favor of another. We may choose to flit in and out and away from any kind of commitment, afraid to make a mistake, to choose incorrectly.
Or we may choose to accept all of the possibilities for love that present themselves, within bounds that we establish with one another.
But here’s the thing. When was the last time someone else’s relationship choices...their choice to love or not love someone else...hurt you? I think the answer to this question would, for most people, be a qualified ‘never.’
Of course there’s going to be unrequited love. Divorced parents. Psycho ex-girlfriends.
All of those can hurt, but they’re not really the point. IF you wanted to date three guys, or be in a committed relationship with them, who would you be hurting?
It sounds like your particular situation is compounded by the fact that the three men you’re attracted to are friends. It may be difficult to assess their own interest, as they may be concealing it from each other to avoid any resentment or hurt. Hell, they could be concealing it from themselves.
So, what do you do?
I think you need to decide what you want, first and foremost. Get rid of the guilt, move past the discomfort, and ask yourself: if there were no societal mores to consider, if you lived in a utopian world—what would love look like for you? Talk to these men. What does it look like for them?
Once you’ve done that, make a plan. Screw all the noise: how is J going to get what J wants?
Hope this helps,
Casanova
Chapter 30: Jude
The party Baron had asked me to was being held in a field at an off-campus student’s home. Ezra parked in between two trucks that looked like they’d been through a recent mud bath and we climbed out, my eyes riveted on the revelry before me.
It was reminiscent of some bacchanalian hoedown, with a bonfire blazing in the distance and silhouetted bodies moving around it to the tune of a nearby band. We passed trucks with their tailgates lowered, some with bodies gyrating on piles of blankets, others with food and drink spilling over the lip. The band, composed of two girls and three guys, stood atop a platform made of square bales, singing some song about bare feet and blue jeans.
Around twenty yards from where the band played, Baron found a truck with a lowered tailgate. “We can hang out here. Stay; I’ll grab us a few beers.”
Ezra’s hands came around my waist as I started to boost myself onto the tailgate, lifting me easily and settling me down on the metal. He leaned beside me, putting one forearm on my thigh and grasping my knee as we watched the party surrounding us.
Baron returned shortly, shouldering through people with a flash of grin and a word here and there. I watched him approach, three red plastic cups clutched carefully in his hands, and felt a hitch in my chest.God, he was sexy.He was wearing a ball cap backwards and a tee shirt that stretched slightly over his biceps and pecs, along with worn blue jeans that accentuated the length of his legs. I was having trouble not staring. And Ezra, standing next to me in his own jeans and long-sleeved flannel… he smelled so good I wanted to run my nose and then my lips over the skin of his neck. How had I lucked out with these two?
