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“No,” Emil said. His control slipped, and he cradled Renzo’s face, brushing thumbs over his stubbled cheeks. “It’s not the food.”
“Really,” Renzo said flatly.
“It’s not what you think. I’m a mess in more ways than I can begin to explain.”
Renzo let out a slow breath, then nodded, but he didn’t pull back. He leaned his cheek into Emil’s palm. “I mean, I kind of figured, considering I found you stealing my wood and lighting your dead mom’s stuff on fire.”
Emil closed his eyes, completely ashamed. “I’ll send you money for the wood.”
“No, gorgeous,” Renzo said, and Emil’s eyes opened against his will. “I don’t want money. I just want to know you’re going to be okay.”
Emil shrugged and dropped his hands to Renzo’s shoulders. “I want to be someone put together enough to take you up on breakfast and a morning blowjob, but last night was so much, and I think I need to…” He trailed off, lost.
“Process,” Renzo finished for him, and Emil nodded, sighing out a breath of relief that Renzo got it. “Trust me when I say I’m not exactly as calm and collected as I seem. I just…God help me, but I really like you. It sounds nuts, I know. I mean, we don’t even know each other, but…” He shrugged and didn’t finish his thought.
Emil wanted to hoard Renzo’s words in the empty space behind his heart. “I like you too, stranger.”
Renzo laughed sweetly. “I kind of figured.” He carefully stepped away, forcing Emil to drop his hands, but he didn’t leave his space completely. “Let’s exchange numbers.”
“Oh, I…” He was suddenly petrified. When he decided to leave his life behind, he’d told himself none of this. No relationships, no messy, complicated hookups. His job was to work on himself and become a man worthy of being loved. He wasn’t nearly there yet, but the idea of letting Renzo go was almost too much to bear.
“Please,” Renzo asked. “No promises, no strings. But I need more than this weird goodbye.”
It was in that moment Emil became profoundly aware he was helpless against anything Renzo asked. He could demand a ring and a wedding date, and Emil wasn’t sure he could say no. Luckily, a phone number wasn’t that. It was just a spark of hope for some kind of future, and maybe he needed that.
“Okay.”
Renzo sagged with relief, and when Emil pulled his phone out and opened his contacts, he snatched it from him and quickly typed in his info. “I’m going to leave this in your hands, okay?”
Emil’s brows shot up in surprise. “Why?”
“Because I think you need to take a little control right now. So text me when you’re ready. And remember, no strings, no expectations.”
Emil dropped his phone on the counter and then wrapped his arms around Renzo, kissing him helplessly and thoroughly until neither of them could breathe. Renzo laughed against his mouth after a long beat, then pulled back to meet his gaze.
“You sure you don’t want a blowjob?”
Emil groaned and knocked their foreheads together. “I want a lot of things, but…”
“No,” Renzo interrupted, and Emil was glad he didn’t have to finish that sentence. “I get it. Just promise me you’ll take care. And buy a proper goddamn coat.”
Emil burst into laughter, then held on a little longer and a little tighter until reason told him if he didn’t let go, he never would.
Outside was freezing, but as Emil made his way past the burnt-out fire pit and his mother’s final home, he barely felt it. In fact, nothing settled in until he was miles down the road, and he realized there were tears on his cheeks.
CHAPTERNINE
“So.Do I have to talk about my childhood?”
Sarah stared at him with a small, patient smile from her comfy chair. It was nothing like the therapist offices from the movies, and Emil wasn’t sure if he was disappointed or relieved to not be lying flat on his back, staring up at a ceiling while his therapist wrote on a clipboard.
“Do you think your childhood is the source of any of your problems?”
He couldn’t help but laugh. “Yes, I do. But talking about it really sucks.” He was picking at his thumbnail, then gasped in pain when he dug too far into his cuticle. Glancing down, he saw a little red speck of blood, and he stared in horror.
He’d never done that before.
“Would you like a tissue?”
