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CHAPTERTWENTY-FIVE
Emil achedfrom head to toe, and the last place he wanted to be was his hotel room. The city seemed alive with celebration, but he didn’t want to be part of that either. He wanted to be with Renzo, and since he couldn’t do that, he turned to Victor and shot him an imploring look.
“Tell me you and Oliver don’t have big plans tonight.”
“We do,” Victor said, giving his leg a pat. “And you’re definitely not invited.”
Emil shrank back into the seat and glanced out the window as they passed the view of rolling hills covered in fog. It had taken him exactly twenty-four hours to realize he didn’t miss any of this. At all.
“Stop making that face,” Victor scolded after a moment. “I will not succumb to guilt, and honestly, you look like you could use extra sleep.”
Emil blinked at him, then burst into laughter. “Your honesty is brutal and refreshing.”
“I’m saying this because I’m worried,” Victor told him. “This whole thing is a giant pain in the ass, and I know you’ve been struggling with things since we moved.”
Emil winced. He knew Victor wasn’t trying to take a dig at him for how closed off he’d been, but he still regretted it. He couldn’t help but wonder how different things might have been if he’d just let himself feel safe with Victor years ago when they’d met. But if he’d done that, would they still be exactly where they were?
Sacrificing his past pain might mean never having met Renzo and that wasn’t a life he wanted to live.
“I’m not trying to be cruel,” Victor said in the space of continued silence.
Emil quickly shook his head. “I didn’t think you were. Today was long, and I know seeing Charlie was probably hard on you. It was hard on me, and he didn’t hurt me the same way.” Emil didn’t know if bringing up the past was the right move, but Victor had been stoic and apathetic during the entire meeting.
Several times, Emil had tried to read his face because it was the first time he’d been face-to-face with Charlie since finding him in bed with his ex. But Victor showed no emotion. He sat quietly and let the lawyers handle everything. A few times, Emil could see Charlie trying to get a rise out of either of them, but Emil had been too exhausted to rise to the bait, and eventually, Charlie just sat there looking defeated.
But the last thing in the world Emil wanted was for his best friend to hurt anymore because of that man, and Emil didn’t want to poke at an tender spot.
Victor let out a small sigh, turning his gaze out toward the horizon. He was holding his crutches between his legs, twisting them almost nervously. “He was still a bad friend to you. He enabled you when you were self-destructive.”
Emil shrugged. “I made sure I was surrounded by people who wouldn’t call me out. It was easier than dealing with…everything, you know?”
Victor laughed, then looked over at Emil with soft eyes. “Yeah. I do. But life is better now, right?”
Emil couldn’t help his smile. “Yeah. I think it is. And I promise I really will be fine alone tonight. I’m trying to figure out how to do that, you know? Sit with my thoughts and just…”
“Be?” Victor offered. He sat back and closed his eyes. “It gets easier. It just takes time.”
If Emil was going to trust anyone on that, it would be the man who just went through the darkness and came out the other side with the absolute love of his life.
* * *
The car dropped the pair off at the front of the hotel, where Oliver was waiting. Emil offered a quick hello before darting off, wanting to give the couple quiet time so Victor could decompress. It was the least he deserved after having to face the man who’d attempted to ruin his life and make him look like a complete fool.
Emil’s problems and tender ache paled in comparison, and as he headed up the elevator to his suite, he tried to cope with the guilt that came with it. Victor’s life had been upended not only because Charlie had betrayed him but because Emil had kept it quiet for so long. Emil had walked in on Charlie and Alice in Charlie’s office one afternoon months after they’d started their affair, and that was months before Victor would learn the truth.
Alice had been mortified, but Charlie had just laughed it off and pulled her close when she tried to run and grab Emil’s arm. “He’s cool,” Charlie had told her. “He’s not going to say anything. Emil’s the one person around here who doesn’t give a shit.”
Emil had smiled and nodded because he didn’t know any other way to be. He’d spent his entire adult life cultivating that exact reputation. How was he supposed to give that up for one man?
Then he saw the pain on Victor’s face, and everything he thought he knew about himself was destroyed.
The night after Victor left was the first night Emil had a nightmare about his mom in more years than he cared to count. He woke up pale, sweating, a sob lodged in his throat and her words ringing in his ears. He didn’t know if that was actually how she’d sounded, but that was the monstrous voice he remembered. Her laugh had been cruel, her anger even worse, and nothing he ever did pleased her.
In a weak, terrifying moment, he almost picked up the phone and called her. Sanity crept up on him before he could do something so irrational, but he felt the smallest measure of regret now. Facing her might have helped. It wouldn’t have fixed anything, but it would have allowed him to see her as she was—sick, helpless, and trapped at the mercy of her own mind.
But now she was gone, and he only had the shards of his memories to piece back together.
Taking a breath, Emil told himself he wasn’t going to let the stress get to him. The loneliness was only temporary. It would be weeks at most before he got to see Renzo again, and he had no problem dropping the cash to fly back, even if it was only for a day, just so he could kiss him.
