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He shakes his head, and his features take on a tortured look, “Belle, I... I... I don’t know what to say.”
“You can tell me what happened next. You’re still here, so I assume, between you and the Seven, you were able to reach out to your contacts in the police force, so what you did was kept quiet.”
He rubs at his temple. “And I was supposed to teach and uphold the sacraments of my faith. I was supposed to help individuals navigate moral and ethical dilemmas. I was meant to counsel and support my flock and help them overcome sins and make amends. Instead, I committed the most heinous sin of all. Worse, I’m not sorry about what I did.”
His shoulders shudder. All the color leaches from his face. A tear squeezes out from the corner of his eye, and I swear, I can see the child he used to be peeking out from behind his watery eyes.
I can’t stop myself from throwing my arms about him. "Oh Eddie, I am so sorry for what you went through."
Another shudder rocks his big frame. His arms are tucked into his sides. He seems to be curling into himself, trying to make himself smaller and occupy less space. It’s a contrast to the tall, broad, confident man who always knows what he wants and doesn’t hesitate to go after what he sets his mind on, and… A part of me has always known it was a front. I’ve known he was hiding something inside, something that changed his life and impacted him in ways that not even years of therapy can undo, but this… What he’s telling me is not something I could have imagined he went through. I knew it would be awful, whatever it was he was going to tell me—because I always hoped he would eventually tell me. But this…terrible secret of his… It’s so much worse than I could have ever imagined.
I pull his head into the curve of my shoulder and hold him tightly. He feels cold, and distant, and yet, the little shiver that grips him gives away just how much he’s suffering. "It’s okay to hold me," I whisper.
He stiffens, and every muscle in his body seems to turn to stone. Then, he releases a breath. His body slumps a little, and he wraps an arm about my waist. I turn my face into his neck and take a long breath of Ed into my lungs. That spicy woodsmoke, the tang of electricity which ripples over my skin… All of it is so familiar, so very dear to me. "Oh, Eddie." I sniffle. "I wish you hadn’t had to go through that."
"Me too." His hold tightens. "I really am so sorry for how I hurt you. I’m sorry I switched out your oral contraceptives."
"Why did you do that?"
"Because—" he swallows. "Because I was sure once you found out how I'm tainted—"
"You’re not." I lean back in the circle of his arms. "You’re not, Eddie. You came through the challenges thrown at you. You picked yourself up again and again. You moved on. You didn’t give up."
"I don’t deserve your beauty, your generosity, your love." He looks between my eyes. "I don’t deserve you."
"That you don’t," I murmur with a little smile teasing my lips.
That divot makes an appearance at the edge of his mouth. "But I want you. I want you so much, Belle. I love you, like I’ve never loved anyone else before. And at the risk of you hating me, can I say, I don’t regret having eyes on you before you knew who I was."
"Ed!" I slap at his chest. "Take that back."
"I apologize, again, for infringing on your life without your permission"—he looks away, then back at me—"but it’s because I knew you were there that I could carry on. It’s because I knew there was a goddess who makes this world a better place that I could continue living. You gave me hope, Belle. You made me realize there was more to life than just the existence I was eking out. You gave me something to look forward to. Something to anticipate, something to aspire to. I knew then, if you were connected to me in some form, if I had you in my life, if I could have your love, in any small way, if—" He slides down to his knees and takes my hands in his. "I can’t live without you Belle. And I’ll do anything to make you happy. I’ll do anything to make up for the grief I caused you. You mean everything to me, and I know my methods of showing it so far have been unorthodox—"
"—to say the least."
"Please give me a chance. One chance. That’s all I’m asking. Let me show you I can be the kind of man you’ll be proud to call a husband."
I’m already proud to call you a husband.
"Let me show you how good it can be between us, Belle."
"I already know how good it can be, but… You broke my trust, Ed. How do I know you won’t do that again?"
"I won’t." He brings my hands to his mouth and kisses the edges of my fingers. "I can’t. Not when I know how close I came to blowing it all. You’re my life, my breath, my heart, my everything. What can I do to make you believe that?"
"I’m not sure."
He peers into my features, then nods. "I deserve that." He sits back in his chair, still holding my hands in his. "I’ll be here for you, Belle. Always."
"I know that. I also know you’re a good man at heart. Which is why this is so difficult for me."
"Take your time." He half smiles.
"Thank you," I whisper.
He brings my fingers to his lips and kisses them again. Then he turns and pushes a paper bag in my direction.
"What’s that?"
