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75
Edward
“Go on.” Baron nods toward the church in front of which we’re parked. I took his advice to heart. I knew what I had to do, the final step in finding absolution. When Baron realized I intended to go back to the same church where I’d served as the pastor, he immediately insisted on driving me. “I’ll wait here for you,” he adds.
“You’re a good friend,” I pause with my hand on the door handle. “I’m sorry I didn’t keep in touch with you and Ava. I’m sorry I hurt the both of you.”
“It’s in the past.” Baron cuts the air with his palm. “What you’re doing is very brave, Edward, make no mistake.”
I step out of the car, then head for the doorway of the church. My heart begins to hammer in my chest, and my pulse rate shoots up. My breath comes in pants, and it takes everything within me to push open the door and step inside. The scent of incense envelops me, transporting me right back to the days I spent here preaching to my flock. We hit morning rush hour traffic on the way here, but the church is still empty. And so silent, every thud of my heart feels like it’s playing through a boombox. I swallow down the ball of emotion in my throat, take a step forward.
Like a tractor beam, my gaze is instantly captured by the cross on the wall at the end of the aisle. The sunlight pours in through the stained glass from above it. I step forward, and the light blinds me for an instant. I move past it, and it’s as if I can see everything in relief. Dust motes dance and beckon me forward. My footsteps make a hushed thud that echoes in the space. The candles flicker in the side chapels in the distance. And when I pass the confessional where I took a life, the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. That’s when I know, I’ve done the right thing by coming here. I need to face the past so I can move forward... With her.
The scent of beeswax, of wood and stone, the vibrations of all the prayers by the faithful who have passed through this church before me, embrace me and urge me on. I reach the altar and sink to my knees.
I lower my chin to my chest, press my palms together in front, and close my eyes. For a few seconds, I allow myself to flow into that space deep inside of me. The one I haven’t visited since I left the priesthood behind. Oh, I prayed to Him when I found out she was unwell, and again, in the hope He’d help her forgive me. But I didn’t truly face my past. I didn’t ask Him for forgiveness for killing the man who facilitated the incident and everything that happened to me and the Seven.
I didn’t ask Him to help me forgive myself. I didn’t ask for His help to dissolve these feelings of unworthiness which have haunted me since my abuse.
I haven’t allowed myself to revisit any of it since turning my back on Baron and Ava…and the Church. I left to travel.
I’ve spent so long running away from my past… But I'm done now. Baron's right. It's not enough to reconcile with Him, as I've barely done with my recent prayers. No, I need to ask him for absolution.
I traverse that familiar path to the deepest part of my heart, and when I think I can’t go deeper, I sink even further into that nothingness I once used to be so familiar with. That emptiness where I could face myself. That sense of being here and yet, also, being in a space where all of my walls drop away. Where I, once more, stand naked before Him.
“My Lord, I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee,
and I detest all my sins, because I dread the loss of heaven
and the pains of hell, but most of all because they offend Thee, my God,
who art all-good and deserving of all my love.
I firmly resolve, with the help of Thy grace,
to confess my sins, to do penance, and to amend my life.
Amen.”
The words pour out of me. I allow the feelings of hurt, despair, of loneliness…of guilt, of fear, of hate, and revenge—all of it—to gush forward. I open myself up and allow His healing touch to embrace me. I allow that feeling of repentance to consume me. I bow my head and surrender to His grace. To that sense of oneness that has always resided in me, since I was little. That feeling of peace which has evaded me since the incident.
I see the loathing which has become a part of me since the incident. The guilt I’ve carried since I took a life. The envy which ate into me when I watched Ava and Baron.
And I feel the relief of having found my sweet Belle. The love that overwhelmed me when I saw her but which I didn't allow myself to acknowledge, until I was shocked into realizing I could lose her.
And really, all of it is His doing. It's He who led me to her. He who brought her into my life. All I am, is His instrument. I renounce myself to His will and ask for His guidance.
Show me the way, Father. Tell me what to do next.
“Edward?”
A familiar voice reaches me. I look around to find a fellow priest and friend, who was ordained with me and served with me in this very church.
"Zephyr, Brother, I have come to confess.”
* * *
“You seem lighter.” Baron shoots me a sideways glance as we wait for the signal to change.
