AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Why am I asking her this? It's not as if I'm going to let her go. Especially now.
My fingers tingle. I want to reach over and push back the hair from her face. I want to crawl into bed with her, turn her over and pull her into me. I want to spoon her, watch her as she falls asleep, then wake her up by crawling in between her legs and eating her out until she comes again… I want…what I can’t have—the kind of intimacy that comes from having confidence in another. That emotional oneness that means you never have to second guess yourself when you’re with them.
I want her sweetness to soothe my hard edges, her innocence to throw me a rope so I can climb out of the dark place I’ve descended into, her sunshiny nature to illuminate the blackness I’ve held close. I’m changing, and it’s all because of her. I want to push her away, yet I find myself circling back to her, always. I want to teach her how it could be to open herself up and offer herself to me. I want her to know the satisfaction of putting her trust in me. Of allowing me to wring every last drop of desire from her body, of fulfilling every wish of her soul. The ecstasy she’d feel giving herself to me, comfortable in the belief she can stop me anytime. The exhilaration that comes with letting me push her boundaries, believing in me enough to put her faith in me.
Faith. I'm asking her for the one thing I've lost. I no longer believe in the greater good. I'm no longer sure there's a higher power. I'm no longer convinced of the purpose that guided me for most of my life. I'm a stone sinking slowly in a river of depravity. I lost my moorings and found her, and it threatens every principle I’ve sworn to live my life by sinceher. I cannot…will not let this woman turn my life upside down. But I also cannot bear to see her hurt.
"Belle? Do you regret marrying me?
"Would it matter?"
"I’m not going to let you walk away…"
She scoffs. "I didn’t think you would."
"I’m also not sorry I took your virginity."
Her jaw drops.
"Nor for the pain I caused you."
She gasps. "Christ-on-a-bus, don’t hold anything back, will ya?"
"It’s best you find out what kind of a man I am."
"A hurt, broken, emotionally unavailable, sadistic dominant?" She scoffs.
I look at her with interest. "You’re beginning to understand me."
"I liked you better when I merely thought of you as recovering from a broken heart."
"That’s a very romantic picture of me; afraid the truth is not so black and white."
"Oh, you’re nothing but shades of grey." She peers up at me, and her blue eyes are clear and bright, the gaze of someone who doesn’t have to carry around the burdens of a lifetime.
"And black." I set my jaw. "There are parts of me you don’t want to come in contact with."
"The very fact you’re warning me off, tells me more about you."
I smooth the covers under her chin. "And what will you do when you’re disappointed? What will you do when you realize you’d have been better off if you’d never met me?"
27
Mira
"And that’s the last you saw of him?"
Summer pats the little boy who’s fast asleep in his crib. I wrapped up work, then came to her place. She was putting her son to bed, and I stayed with her as she spun a story for him, something involving dragons and space travel and rockets, complete with hand gestures which had entranced him. He resisted sleep; they always do. A couple of times, he closed his eyes, and we were sure he'd drifted off, only for him to open his eyelids and cry out as soon as Summer started to move away. But she persisted, and he finally fell asleep. We've stayed just to be sure he doesn’t move. And she strokes his back in rhythmic beats that have me curling up in the armchair and burrowing my cheek into the cushion.
"Haven’t exchanged a word with him since, and it’s been a week."
She gives me a strange look. "Don’t you two share a room?"
"Um… Yes." I change my position, looking for a more comfortable spot in the chair. "But I fall asleep before he comes to bed, and he's gone before I wake up." It’s a lie, I know. But you can’t expect me to tell her I’m not sharing a room with my new husband, can you? I love my friends but draw a line at sharing such intimate details with them.
"And you work with him, so you see him in the office?" She pushes the hair back from her baby’s forehead, a soft smile on her face.
"He's been busy in meetings, and communicates with me through emails," I murmur.
