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“I was distraught, to say the least. He is my father, not the man who sent my mom and me off, but the man who really raised me. When I was ten, my first ever trip outside of São Paulo was here and the day we arrived, we sat where we’re sitting right now. It was the first place I ever saw that truly amazed me. So, when he passed, I would come up here, refusing to forget him in any way because my best memory with him was here.”
A tear rolls down my cheek.
His eyes are soft as he sees the wetness on my cheek. Quickly, he wipes away my tears with his thumb.
“There’s no need to cry, Blondie. This is a happy place, and it reminds me of the man who made me realize I wasn’t a mistake.”
“That’s beautiful.” That’s all I’m able to say, even though his comment leaves me with more questions.
“He was,” he responds.
We stop abruptly and I realize we’re at the top. The doors open and that’s when I realize the magnitude of the statue.
It’s jaw-dropping. The statue with the background of the sunset. I feel like I’m stuck in a picture. Xavier takes my hand again and we walk toward the statue. I can’t help but look up with every step we take.
“It was built in honor of Princess Isabel in eighteen eighty-eight. The country wanted to build a statue in her honor, but she refused and as the religious woman she was, she told them to build this with the intent of reminding everyone that Christ is always the redeemer. Obviously, that’s up to each individual person. But they built this statue in her honor. I see it as a symbol of freedom rather than something out of religion,” Xavier tells me.
“It’s incredible,” I tell him.
“Wait, let’s take a picture,” he tells me.
Holding up his phone so that he can see how we look, he angles the photo downward so that the magnitude of the statue is shown in the photo. I smile and then he presses the white button a few times.
I bet the photo is incredible with the sunset in the background.
After he’s made sure we got the photo, he pulls his phone down and grabs my hand again, leading me to view.
We’re really high up, you can see all of Rio from here. Every movement we make leads to something incredible. He sits down on the bench facing toward the view rather than the statue. The sky is made up of hues of orange, pink, and light blue. I am happy with the knowledge that Acapulco sunsets exist in Brazil because it means I’ve been with him this whole time.
We sit in comfortable silence as the wind blows against us. It’s serene up here. I love it and I understand why Xavier loves this place so much.
“Do you mind if I ask you a question?” I ask Xavier.
He nods at me.
“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to,” I tell him again.
“Blondie, you could never ask me a question I wouldn’t answer.”
I swallow at his reply. “What did you mean by your father making you realize you weren’t a mistake?” I say softly.
He doesn’t even flinch, but he does stare out into the horizon. He doesn’t need to answer such a personal question, so I don’t expect a reply.
“My mom told me she had a whirlwind romance with my biological father.”
I nod and hum in response.
I see his Adam’s apple as he swallows.
“Well, that’s not the case. When I was ten, my stepfather and my mother were on the bed, talking as they were starting their relationship. My mom told him that when she was younger, my conception wasn’t”—he pauses—“consensual on her part.”
I don’t quite understand his words until it hits me. I throw my hand over my mouth silently, the urge to cry becoming overwhelming.
He sighs shakily. “After that moment, I realized that my mom went to a few cities almost every week to ask her abuser for money because I existed. She was thrown out of that house because I existed, and it breaks me every day that I’m the reason she was stuck in a sketchy neighborhood with a kid she didn’t know how to take care of. I was the creation of her trauma, and my father was the one to make me understand that I was the best thing that ever happened to her. Even so, I live with that thought each day and most days I feel like a mistake. But I refuse to believe that because my father spent his whole life trying to convince myself otherwise. His legacy stands on that and I will always respect his wishes no matter if it haunts me every day to get them out of my mind.” He’s crying now.
I’m practically bawling my eyes out. This man copes by acting like the kid he never got to be. That’s why he makes people feel better so that he marks a path in this world where he doesn’t feel like a mistake.
I hold back a sob. “Xavier.” I turn his gaze toward my face with a single finger. His eyes are bloodshot red and I’ve never seen him so vulnerable. I want to kiss him all better. “You are not a mistake; you are everything the world needs. You have made my sisters and me feel like we finally have someone we can confide in. You were meant to be in the world to create light and joy. Quite frankly, you’ve become that for me, so never think you’re a mistake because you’re a lot of people’s miracle,” I tell him.
