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I don’t like it and I’ve experienced this feeling before.
With León.
“Vio, you need to calm down.”
I’m facing the wall at this point, staring at it blankly as if my life is boring and white without Xavier in it. Sofia grabs my arms and turns my body toward hers. Her eyes bore into mine, trying to get her words to stick.
“Xavier is great. But that doesn’t mean you should allow someone ten times more value than he does with you. He’s not here at this moment, but that doesn’t mean he won’t be here in the future. You might step out on the court and see his face in the crowd, but even so, don’t let him have value. Because you’re even more valuable than he could ever be.” Her brown eyes are intense and worried at the same time. She knows that if I’m not in the right headspace, my mental game will collapse.
I gulp at her words.
She’s right.
She’s always right. No matter the time or place, Sofia knows what to say.
But I would much rather Xavier say these words to me right now than Sofia and that within itself is scary. I’ve grown a dependency on him, and I don’t like it one bit.
It took me years for my dependency on León to wither, and now I’m back to square one with a man I call my friend. Someone I’ve realized I might have grown feelings for.
So now with my obsessive tendencies and intimacy cravings, I want him around twenty-four seven no matter his own circumstance.
Which is selfish and far from healthy.
But as I stand here, waiting to go play a match that could potentially raise my rankings in a sport I’ve dedicated my life to, I’m only thinking of Xavier.
What is he doing?
Why isn’t he here?
Was he psyched out once he left me in my hotel room?
Is he even in Australia?
Did he leave without telling me?
My brain is going forty-five million miles an hour. I’m overwhelmed, anxious, and worst of all realizing that I’m obsessed with Xavier.
I’m in deep trouble.
The crowd starts to go wild, and I can hear them from under the stands.
Letty just went out on the court, which means that I’m going to have to be on the court in a few minutes. All I can do is close my eyes. I’m a tennis player who works on mental strength every day. Why can’t I block out my thoughts and deal with them later?
I’ve tried and failed every single time I tell myself to stop thinking about Xavier.
Then I try again and don’t succeed.
“Luna, you need to get out there. Everyone is waiting,” Sofia says sternly.
I nod and start to walk toward the exit leading into the arena. My tennis bag is on my shoulder and the cap on my head is firmly placed over my hair. With each stride, I tell myself affirmations.
As if that’s going to help.
Right before my feet hit the entrance to the arena, Sofia stops me.
“Don’t let any man fuck up your dream.” Her lips are close to my ear as she stands behind me.
That’s when it clicks. Her words make me realize that it’s not my fault Xavier isn’t here. It’s of his own accord. If I worry about everyone else, how am I supposed to achieve what I want?
