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I squeeze harder until it hurts.I need to feel something.
When my fingers go numb, my mother gently opens them and I let it fall to the ground.It rolls and plops into the grave.There are so many things I wanted to tell my father and now I’ll never get the chance.
Mom ushers me back to the group of people walking toward the cars parked inside the cemetery.I glance around.We’re in a nicer, private section of the cemetery on the back end of a hill that overlooks the city.I suppose an actual plot is better than an open field somewhere.I never asked Sasha where they found him and despite my curiosity, I won’t.Knowing won’t help me sleep better.
“Maybe you can tell me more about Sasha, back at his place?”She matches my slow steps to the limo that resembles an armored tank more than a car.
I stop short and glance back at the open grave.The attendants are waiting with shovels to cover the hole and the finality of Dad’s death hits me.Mom tugs my jacket, pulling me forward again.
“Why momma?Why did he steal the money?”
She inhales a deep breath.“Your father loved us, but even he took his secrets to the grave, moye serdtse.”
Her answer isn’t surprising.Maybe she doesn’t want to tell me the truth.Or perhaps she doesn’t even know herself.Either way, the void inside me deepens.I can’t ward off the chill of the inevitable,what happens next?
Sasha holds the door of the vehicle open for us and I duck my head and get inside.Luka and Lydia sit quietly opposite me with their hands folded on their laps.Mom joins them while Sasha sits next to me.I fold my hands too, but fidget.Sasha nudges me with his leg, but I can’t stop.He takes my hand and places it over his knee.The fine wool of his suit pants stretches tight showing his strong leg muscles.Despite this being a funeral, he looks handsome.Guilt washes over me.I shouldn’t be admiring his looks.
I glance out the window and bite my lip to stop myself from sobbing, although I’m not sure how much longer I can hold it back.It’s all too much.The limo is suddenly too confining and being so close to my remaining family hits me with misery because my father isn’t here.
“Shhhh, solnishko.”Sasha turns his body, boxing me into the corner.He holds me in his arms and his body blocks out my mother and siblings.
“I’m so angry with him,” I choke out.
“Then be angry.Be whatever you need to be.Fall apart and I will put you back together again.”Sasha kisses my forehead and I lean into him, stealing his strength for the moment.
The drive back to his place is quiet.We pull into the underground parking area and come to a stop near the elevator.Everyone exits the vehicle and steps inside our ride up to the penthouse.When the doors slide open, Ilya stands guard just inside the entryway.I’m surprised to find a handful of ladies setting up familiar dishes on the counter.My mother rushes over to thank them.They offer their condolences before filing into the elevator.Ilya nods and joins them.My mom motions Luka and Lydia to the counter and encourages them to fill their plates.
“Who were they?”I turn to Sasha.
“Wives of my work associates.”
That makes sense.Our community is good about helping each other but I’m still not familiar with how this all works in the Bratva.Do these sorts of things happen often?Would I have to do this for one of Sasha’s work associates someday?
“I probably should have thanked them.”I’m still staring at the elevator when he places his hand on my back and leads me to the kitchen.
“Another time, solnishko.Are you hungry?”
I shake my head.
“All right then.Go rest while I get your mom and the kids settled.”
“They’re staying here?”It hadn’t occurred to me that they would.“Are they not safe at home?”
My stomach drops.Will Dad’s bad decisions become an issue for all of us?Sasha’s hands clutch my shoulders and he leans his forehead into mine.
“I will take care of everything, solnishko.Your family will be safe.Aleksei knows this as well.”Sasha kisses the tip of my nose and then turns me around with a light pat on my behind.
I don’t argue.Mostly because I’m not quite ready to explain our relationship to my mother.Although, from the looks she’s given us, she’s probably already guessed.Besides, there’s no telling what Dad might have said to her given my days-long absence.I also believe Sasha when he says he’ll do something, which is why I go to our bedroom and try to rest.I take off my shoes and untie the belt from my jacket.I lay it over a chair and crawl into the bed.Rolling onto my back, I fold my arms over my belly and stare at the ceiling.Sleep doesn’t come.A few minutes pass and the door opens.I lean up on my elbows as Sasha walks in, then toes his shoes off.He pulls his suit jacket off one shoulder and then the next, his biceps straining beneath his dress shirt as he drops the jacket over mine.His eyes focus on me as he stalks closer to the bed putting his hands on his waist as he looks me over.
His chin dips down and his brows get a serious slant.“I told you to rest.”
I shrug my shoulders.“Demanded is more accurate.”
Sasha cocks his head and leans over to cage me between his arms on either side of me.“What can I do to make this better, baby?Your pain is killing me.”
“Erase the past few weeks?”Tears flood my eyes again.
“Maybe not all of it.”He pulls me up to standing.“Come, let’s get you more comfortable and out of these clothes and hairpins.”
