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“Am I going to what?”
“You know. Pursue one. As a mate.”
Calix reared back as though I’d struck him. “Am I being too subtle, Levana? Do you really think I’m capable of evenlookingat anyone else when I’m so fucking fixated on you?”
“You shouldn’t say things like that,” I breathed, too transfixed by the obsessive look on his face to even check if someone had overheard us. I shouldn’t want this. I shouldn’tlovethat he was so taken with me. I would inevitably leave, and even if I wasn’t… it wouldn’twork. We drove each other crazy, and spent more time bickering than anything else. That wasn’t what a good relationship looked like.
Was it?
No, no, obviously not.
“I’m going to leave.”
“You haven’t left yet.”
“It would be foolish to get attached.”
“It’s a little late for that, Blue.”
I wished I could argue with that, but the words died on my tongue. He’d made his position clear, but could I walk away from him right now and be entirely unaffected? No. No, I absolutely couldn’t.
“I shouldn’t have—”
“Yes, you should.” Calix set the knife down, turning the full force of his gaze on me. “Never apologize for coming to me, Levana. Never apologize for anything we do. I’m fully grown and more than capable of understanding consequences.”
“It can’t happen again,” I whispered, hating the waver in my voice, not entirely sure who I was trying to convince.
“I think we both know it will keep happening until you leave court. There’s something here, Blue. Something that doesn’t come along every day.”
“Levana, are you ready to head to Elverston—” Ophelia asked, craning her neck to see me.
“Of course,” I agreed hurriedly, practically tripping over myself in my rush to usher her out of the kitchen, more than a little unsettled by Calix’s words.
Because what if he wasright? What if this wasn’t an everyday connection? Worse, what if it was a once-in-a-lifetime connection?
What if Calix was my only chance at a meaningful romantic relationship, my only chance at building something that might actuallylast, and I was giving it up?
The thought was unbearable.
It was exactly why he couldn’t mean anything to me. I couldn’t allow him to. Otherwise, I’d never be able to let him go.
Chapter 9
“Boss,”Torincalled,thescent of his blood reaching me at the same time his voice did. I sighed heavily, gesturing for Katriel to take over stirring the cauldron of stew over the fire.
“What have you done, Torin?”
“I, uh, seem to have cut off the end of my finger, boss.”
Katriel shrieked, splattering stew against the wall as she took in the bloody mess that had once been Torin’s finger. At least he looked appropriately shamefaced about it.
“Come on then,” I sighed, snatching up a clean cloth and wrapping it around the wound so at least he didn’t trail blood through the whole palace. “Let’s go find a healer, though I’m sure all they’ll tell you to do is go to the stores and feed.”
He looked even more guilty at that. In the short time since the portals had closed, all of us young, healthy Shades had been taking the bare minimum from the power stores.
“I’m sorry, boss. I was trying to chop fast, the way you do.”
Damn it, he made it so hard to stay mad at him. “Torin, I’ve been cooking longer than you’ve been alive. What makes you think you should be doing anything the way I do yet? You’re young, and I’d like you to live long enough to get old. So stop doing stupid things.”
