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“No thank you.”
“Precisely. You don’t want it. You never have. I got you out. All you had to do was stay away. I thought once you were out from his direct influence, that would be easy for you. From the sound of it, you had allies at court. The queen herself even!”
I blinked, trying to comprehend her words. “But you told Father that I should train at home—”
“Knowing he’d never allow it. Knowing he’d rather send you away than have anyone in his domain,” Sirena interrupted, raising her voice slightly. “I’ll say whatever I have to say, that’s where you and I differ. Whether it’s out of some misplaced sense of honor, or just because you can’t remember what life was like when Mother was here and you think Father’s behavior is normal, I don’t know. You accept more than you should. You don’t take what you deserve. You were fierce enough to make it in the Guard, and yet you’re utterly incapable of standing up for yourself—”
“And you are?” I snapped. “Is that what you’re doing when you flatter his ego?Standing upfor yourself?”
Sirena shook her head, disappointment rolling off her in waves, and an uncomfortably guilty feeling took root in my gut. “I do what I have to do to survive. I do what I have to do foryouto survive. For my baby to survive. This will all be mine one day, I just have to wait it out. Do you think you’re better than me because you dance to Father’s tune resentfully and I do it sweetly? Does your bitterness give you moral superiority?”
She stood, her shadows moving with her in an astoundingly rigid fashion. She’d always had so much control—perhaps more than I’d ever realized.
I opened my mouth to say something. To apologize, even though my ego was throbbing from the wound she’d just effortlessly delivered to it. Sirena didn’t give me the chance.
“Don’t, I’m not in the mood to hear it. I have sheltered you as best I could, but you are fully grown now, Levana. Well regarded enough to be entrusted with thequeen’ssafety, and apparently, far more righteous than I am. I have to focus my attention on my child. You’ll have to protect yourself.”
I stepped aside so she could pass, the door closing behind her with a quiet snick that rang in my ears as though she’d slammed it; her disappointment in me lingering in the space she’d left behind, adding to the crush of what I was still feeling after I’d left Calix’s apartment.
I thought I’d been doing the right thing. That this was theonlyoption.
But no one was happy. Sirena wasn’t happy. Calix wasn’t happy.Iwasn’t happy.
And I was beginning to think that no matter what I did, I could never make Father happy.
So why was I here?
Chapter 13
“Youcan’tgoonlike this,” Katriel sighed, flinching as I brought the cleaver down with slightly more force than necessary, sending a smattering of blood from the carcass I was butchering around the kitchen.
“Torin,” I barked. “Clean up.”
He tripped over his own feet in his rush to grab a cloth, and that uncomfortable, tight feeling in my chest came back with a vengeance. It had been there since Levana left—a low-level ache that I was fairly confident was a broken heart, though I wasn’t about to tell anyone else that. The sharp moments of acute pain were something else though. An unwelcome reminder of how fucked-up I was, and how my fucked-up attitude was impacting everyone around me.
My problems were becoming their problems, and that was unacceptable.
“Fuck, sorry.” I sighed, clapping Torin on the back. I wasn’t mad at him.
“No worries, boss.”
“Perhaps I should take a vacation,” I muttered, resuming my slicing in a less messy fashion. “Visit my dad for a few days.”
“That’s a good idea,” Katriel agreed eagerly, not even attempting to hide her enthusiasm at the idea of getting me out of the kitchen. “And what better time than now? The king and queen are beginning their tour and all the important Shades at court are going with them. Who cares if the stragglers eat simple fare for a week? It won’t kill them.”
I grunted, mulling over her words, but mostly fixated on the reminder of the royal couple’s tour of the realm. Starting at Holbeck, the small seaside community closest to Levana’s family estate.
Would she go and see them? I couldn’t imagine Levananotwanting to see Ophelia—they had developed a genuine friendship throughout their time together. Then again, I never thought Levana would be able to leave Ophelia behind either, so what did I know?
“Or,” Katriel began hesitantly, taking a discreet step back from the table like she knew whatever she was about to say was going to be poorly received. “You could, perhaps—if you wanted, maybe—spend some time with the other former Hunters who have moved here?”
My hand stilled, the cleaver hovering half an inch above the meat.
“It’s just that there are three of them who don’t seem to have formed any kind of meaningful connection yet, and some of the guards were saying that perhaps they’re not interested in the very fanciest of Shades the realm has to offer—look at Selene. She’s a nobody who came from nothing, and that male Hunter only ever had eyes for her. So perhaps it would be wise for some of us lesser Shades to make an effort to get to know them.”
“I’m not interested.”
“Calix—”
