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On the other hand, there was Chip. So new to the group and to even having friends. A guy who just months ago had been in an abusive relationship with a man who'd basically held him hostage and could have ruined Chip's perception of a Daddy forever. But he hadn’t. And he hadn’t broken Chip. My new friend sometimes saw himself as weak or too meek and shy, but I thought he was inspiring. After all he’d been through, he’d moved to Takoda and started over, letting his friends help him and allowing Ollie to love him. Those two things impressed me so much. I was too proud to let anyone help me, and it only took one guy minimizing me to turn me off of love.
Unbidden, my mind wandered to Harrison. Was he still here? Was he back with the other men in the den? Honestly, I'd been surprised to see him here. A man who’d always been vocal about the fact he didn't want a relationship, why would he hang out with all of these couples? What made him want to stay part of this group as the others all moved on? Christian, Omar, and Waylan were super nice guys but incredibly devoted to their boys, so I knew hanging with them meant their partners, too. Even Orson, while I'd never seen him with anyone, I’d heard him say he’d like to find someone special. And from the exchange before yoga, he’d found himself a lady friend. There was no doubt he’d be good to her, which meant he wouldn’t be available to just hang out.
Unlike these other men, Harrison wasn't sweet and coddling and didn't come across like a teddy bear of a Daddy. I had to admit, if he willingly found a person of his own, I could see him being a super-protective Daddy. Someone that a boy could feel safe with. And yes, if I was admitting stuff, then I also had to acknowledge how many times I’d seen him hand over a gold card to the bar staff to handle all of the drinks for the unattached boys at a Daddy-boy night. But that didn’t mean anything, not while he treated boys like they were disposable. I just didn't understand him at all.
Forcing myself away from thinking about him, I let the soothing sounds of the singing bowls reset my frame of mind and thought more about all of the really cool guys here in this room. I didn't know if befriending Julian and Indie was just the timing or what. Toby and the other guys would've invited me into their circle a long time ago, and I knew it. Yet, I'd held myself back, focusing only on school and work. Why now? Why was I suddenly letting myself be drawn in?
Truthfully, with school almost being done for me, I thought I knew exactly why I'd lowered my defenses a little. Not having a relationship was one thing. A hook-up was always easy to come by. But not having friends either…I was lonely.
For years, I'd been telling myself that once I had my degree in my hands, I’d start a new job and get to know my coworkers. But the truth was, did I really want to graduate without anyone there? Sure, my mom might make the trip here for the ceremony, but chances were, she'd be too busy with my sister's kids. The children I wasn't allowed to see because my brother-in-law had issues with my sexuality.Ugh. This wasn't the time to replay my family dynamics over in my head. No, I needed to let tonight be the beginning of something new. I needed to stop putting my life on hold because I was scared of disappointment and accept these guys into my life. Hopefully I’d find a job and mesh with my coworkers, but the guys in this room were everything I wanted and needed in friends.
Maybe instead of being a lonely grump this year, I would actively search out things to do during the holiday season. I’d overheard Archie and Julian discussing something that the Takoda Outreach Center was doing for families that needed help with gifts for Christmas. Maybe they needed more volunteers. And I knew they also hosted a breakfast with Santa Claus. That would be fun. With that decision made, I blew out a breath, letting the rest of my tension out, and sank further into the yoga mat.
My mind floated along without any real destination until I found myself picturing Harrison again. What was it about him that I couldn't escape? For a moment, I let myself wonder what it would be like being his boy if he changed his stance on relationships. Would he stay as charming as the man he presented to others now, or would some hidden agenda emerge like it had with my ex? If I didn’t have bad luck, I’d have no luck, and so I needed to stop thinking about him.
As Toby concluded the sound healing session, I felt life returning to my limbs slowly. “Take your time getting up, you guys,” Toby said quietly. “We’re in no hurry. Let yourself feel the blood flowing through your veins. Feel your breath as you inhale and exhale.”
Next to me, I heard Indie breathing loud and slow. Turning my head toward him, I grinned at the soft smile on his face. I wondered where his thoughts had taken him. Wherever they’d gone, I’d guarantee that Cameron had been there with him.
Toby walked around, checking in with everyone as we all stood and stretched. There was a silent joyfulness amongst us, and it felt so damn good to be part of something special. Toby approached me with a wrinkled nose, looking kind of shy. “How was it? I’m sure it wasn't what you were expecting for a party at my house.”
Without hesitation, I pulled him into a hug, which he returned eagerly. “Thank you for insisting I come tonight. This was… Man, Toby, this was just really what I needed.” I felt lighter somehow, but I wanted to sort through that on my own later.
He squeezed me tighter. “Thank you. I'm so happy you came,” he whispered.
We let each other go, and he moved on to Indie, so I approached Archie and Julian. “Hey.”
“That was surprisingly awesome, wasn't it?” Julian asked.
Archie huffed. “Surprisingly? Everything Toby does is fantastic.”
Julian rolled his eyes and elbowed his brother playfully. “You're ridiculous. I know he’s one of your besties, but you don’t have to be so disgustingly supportive all the time.”
Archie shoved his shoulder, laughing. “You know you love me.”
I chuckled at them, then swallowed down my nervousness. “So, um, I know you guys were talking about distributing gifts or something?”
Immediately, Archie beamed at me. “Yeah, it's a fundraiser we’ve been doing for the last couple of years at the thrift store.”
Summoning up my courage, I asked, “Do you guys need more help?”
Archie kinda shimmied, and it was adorable. “Heck yeah. We’d love for you to help if you have time. I’m sure you have finals coming up, though, right?” He stated and asked at the same time with a kinda judgy eyebrow lift and a frown.
Julian jabbed his pointer fingers in the air at me. “You just got the big brother scowl. School always comes first, even before volunteering for a good cause.”
Dumbstruck, I blinked. “Oh.” Wow. It had been a long time since I had a sibling give a shit about me. I didn’t even care that it wasn’t my own. It felt good.
“I hope you can come. That would be awesome,” Julian said, likely used to these moments where my brain needed a minute to process what was happening. “Joel is taking the day off of work so he can help out.”
“Taking the day off work?” I’d thought maybe I’d have to get a weekend shift covered at The Tap, but I didn’t expect it to be during the normal work week.
Archie nodded. “Yeah, we’re meeting up in the warehouse for the thrift store the Tuesday after next during the day so we can deliver the presents to the parents while their kids are at school.”
“That makes sense, and it’s perfect for me. I don't take classes on Tuesday, anyway. It’s my normal study day, but finals are that week, and I only have to take one.”
Julian reached out and grabbed my shoulder, shaking gently. “He’s a smartie pants,” he said to his brother. “This one has been acing all of his classes. I’ve never seen anyone so dedicated.” Then to me, he continued, “I’ve never been back from college in time to help with this event, so it'll be fun. We’ll be newbies together.”
I had to admit, him acknowledging how hard I worked felt good. Everyone knew I’d been in school for-freaking-ever, but I’d never gotten close enough to any of my coworkers for them to actually know the intimate details of my classes. But why did him saying we were going to be newbies together feel so good and make me feel less alone? Geesh. What all had I missed out on all these years? No matter my reasoning, I planned to start making up for that now.
