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Well. That puts a whole new spin on it.
It’s like the Christmas decorations thing. I was happy to let him spoil us as soon as he promised that we could return the favor. I know we haven’t bought him anything, but just helping him out and spending time together makes me feel like we’re redressing the balance. I don’t just want to take. I want to give. Even if what I—orwe—give isn’t worth the same financially.
Quality time is worth the same, and technically that’s free. Us choosing to spend our evening here might ‘cost’ Andreas the price of dinner or whatever, but I feel like what matters is that we want to be here for his company just like how he wanted to come to our cramped and dingy flat just to hang out with us.
I lick my lips and give Jalen a serious look that he half returns. “So it’s really okay that I’m enjoying all this as much as I am? It doesn’t make me a bad person?” It can’t do if Jalen really thinks that Andreas is getting just as much out of giving as we are receiving.
I’m sure if I had tons of money, I’d love to give to charities and stuff. It makes sense.
Jay’s shoulders sag. “Babe,” he says patiently. “You don’t have a bad bone in your body. Yes, I’ve been saying this all along. I think Andreas has been looking for a relationship like this. Maybe without even realizing but looking all the same. It’s extremely fulfilling for him. Oh! I guess it’s not so different from being a top or a bottom, right? If one person prefers a position over another it doesn’t mean both parties aren’t having a fun time. You get me?”
I blush. He’s so casual when he talks about stuff like that. He’s pansexual, and some of the things he’s told me that he’s gotten up to are super hot, but they also make me squirm with embarrassment. There was a kinky club in LA where he topped with other twinks but bottomed for Daddies and dykes with strap-ons. Lord, just thinking about those stories makes me in danger of getting hard, and he can never, ever know that.
I’m not just very vanilla, I’m also pitifully shy. I’ve only doneita few times, and some were better than others. But I’ve never found it to be as mind-blowing as Jalen seems to think it is. Maybe I’m just doing it wrong.
However, I guess he has a tiny point. I know that the idea of bottoming—of being submissive—is way more appealing to me. The prospect of taking charge—if that meant topping or whatever—makes me want to shrivel up.
But obviously, I don’t think topping is bad. Because I’m looking for a top (in theory, at least).
And I like theideaof sex a lot. Just because my experience so far has been mediocre doesn’t mean I’m not hoping for more. I’ve written more than a hundred naughty fanfictions over the years, mostly with my favorite character Buckets. I see myself a lot in him, so writing those stories was kind of like imagining myself doing those sexy things. Through him, I had alotof fun.
It’s one thing to picture those scenarios via words, though, and quite another to envision them in real life. But maybe one day, I could take a leaf out of Jalen’s book and embrace my sexuality a little more.
Anyway, my thoughts have wandered off on a tangent. Back to the situation at hand.
I mull over the new frameworks Jalen has given me. If I put myself in Andreas’s shoes now, I can see what’s going on from his perspective. And it almost feels like just being myself could be a sort of gift for him. That by allowing him to spoil me, I’m fulfilling a need for him.
That feels kind of beautiful when I look at it like that.
Of course, Jalen knows he’s a gift to anyone who encounters him. So perhaps I can borrow a bit of his confidence and truly trust that someone’s enjoying being around me, and that’s enough.
“Yeah, okay,” I say, not wanting him to launch into another speech about sexy stuff. “Come on, then. Let’s get this tree finished before Andreas gets back. Show him how much we appreciate his generosity.”
Jalen beams. “That’s the spirit! WOOHOO! It’s Christmas, and this year she’s going to befabulous,darling!”
I finally decide on the perfect spot for the glass hummingbird and secure her onto a branch where she twinkles happily.
“I think this is going to be the best Christmas ever,” I say.
My words might be soft and quiet, but for the first time ever, I think I believe them.
CHAPTER8
Andreas
“So who arethese new mates, then?” My sister, Anisha, narrows her eyes at me through the video call. She’s holding her phone in one hand and a glass of red wine in the other.
I laugh as I make my way along the path. At this time of year, there’s an eleven-hour difference due to daylight savings. So it’s nine on Sunday morning for me, but it’s ten o’clock Saturday night for her, and after what I assume is most of a bottle of wine, she’s got her fighting gloves on.
“It’s a funny story,” I say with a shrug. “We like this old geeky TV show, and we all just sort of clicked.”
Anisha giggles. Despite being five years older than me, she’s never forgotten how to have fun. It’s one of the reasons her awful husband, Gregory, walked out on her. He wanted someone who took life seriously. My sister has always argued that life’s far too short to be taken seriously.
“Oh my god, was it that crazy space dragon one you were obsessed with?”
“Spacedinosaurs,I’ll have you know,” I correct her with an arched eyebrow.
She laughs again. “My apologies. How could I make such a heinous mistake? But aww, seriously, hun. I love that you’re actually off out having fun for once. Normally when I call you, you’re reading a book or riding your bike.”
