AllFreeNovel
Share Us
The only thing holding me back now was me.
fourteen
“We’renotinKansasanymore, are we?” I muttered as I lay beside River. The world had woken up slowly as light streaked across the sky and pushed back the darkness. Birds were sharing their morning greetings in the tree behind us. We’d built the fire under its leafy branches last night to disperse the smoke, but hadn’t made the rookie mistake of sleeping under them. Nobody wanted a branch falling on them during the night, or to wake up to bird shit on their face.
I didn’t mean our surroundings, though. We’d spent a lot of nights sleeping outdoors over the years. I meant the new pack we’d suddenly landed in, the mess I’d made of reuniting with Ava, and the void between us. The last few days felt like a tornado had whipped through me. I missed the simplicity of our childhoods. I looked up at the open sky above me, waiting for him to speak. We’d held so much back from each other lately, each of us locked into our coping mechanisms. I wanted Ava back with a need that left me breathless, but I wanted my twin back, too.
River was sitting up next to me, scanning the trees. It was his watch, which meant I was supposed to be sleeping, but I couldn’t. My mind was too awake, going over everything Ava had said last night and realizing all the ways I’d failed her.
“No,” River said, simply, without elaborating, his eyes on the surrounding woods.
My words suddenly dried in my throat. I could feel River shift to watch me with concern, as if he didn’t know what I was about to do or say. We’d always been completely in sync as kids, but I knew he had felt differently about Ava leaving and had dealt with it in a focused, determined way. It rattled me to be so out of step with the two people who had always been in sync with me. I had to find a way past the hurt and the fear that had consumed me for a decade before I lost her for good. Maybe lost them both. Especially now that I knew my fears and anger were unfounded.
“You’re never going to lose me,” River said quietly, as if he could tell exactly what I was thinking, “and we’re going to make her ours.”
There was a fierce determination in his voice. He let nothing get in his way once he’d set his mind to something. I admired that about him. He’d always been the steadiness I needed in my life. He’d been my rock the last decade, even if I’d broken myself upon it.
“I worried for years she didn’t want us. Or maybe only wanted you, but didn’t want to come between us. And it was pointless.” I’d never told him that part of my fears, and I wasn’t sure why I told him now. Maybe because keeping it bottled up had gotten me into this mess. If I was going to change the outcome, I needed to change how I reacted. Opening up more seemed a good place to start.If I couldn’t do it with my twin, how would I ever do it with Ava?
“Hang on, how could you possibly think she only wanted me? You and Ava were always attached at the hip. If anyone was going to be left out, it would be me.” River had shifted around to look at me, but I couldn’t meet his eyes. It had always felt like looking into the mirror, but at a better version of me. An upgrade. He was the man I aspired to be.
I kept my voice low, so as not to wake the others sleeping on the blanket next to us. Ava was still sprawled out over Wolf. She’d barely moved all night. Cary and Nick were curled in around them.
“Fears aren’t always rational, Riv. Besides, we were just more tactile. It’s our natures. It didn’t mean she cared for me more. You’ve always been the perfect twin. Your grades were perfect, you were the best at every sport you tried. You’ve always been a natural leader. All my fears rose up when she left and it seemed to make sense she’d want you. What woman wouldn’t? You were always going places. I just trailed along in your wake.”
Shit, that sounded petty, saying it out loud.I didn’t mean it in that way. I loved my brother fiercely. Sibling relationships, even the best ones, were hard sometimes. I just couldn’t seem to express myself well at the moment. Everything I said came out twisted and wrong.Maybe that’s because my thoughts have become twisted and wrong?
“Are you serious? How the hell could you think that, Ry?” He looked hurt, and it made me feel even worse.This wasn’t working.
I sighed. “Forget it, Riv, it’s okay.”
“No,” he insisted. “We need to talk about this. I hate this distance between us. We ignored it for too long, too focused on surviving the pain of our torn mate bond, and a decade disappeared. It’s not enough. How can we be strong for Ava if we can’t be strong together?”
I hated that he was right. We’d focused on honing our skills, learning everything we could to give us an edge in protecting her. We’d become deadly and were completely in sync physically when danger threatened, always fighting as one. But we hadn’t worked on our minds or our hearts. The stuff that filled the quiet spaces.
“Look, it doesn’t mean I’m not proud of you. I am. I’m always going to be the one up front cheering you on. Sometimes, growing up, it just felt dark in your shadow.” It was an awkward truth that I’d never wanted to bring into the light. It hadn’t always felt like that, only occasionally when I doubted myself. But it was still there, a fault line that had fractured when Ava left.
Our parents had an entire room dedicated to River’s trophies and awards growing up. They’d always been supportive of me, too. I just hadn’t given them a lot to cheer on.
“That’s utter bullshit,” River said, too loudly. He didn’t hold back, he never did, but I shushed him so he wouldn’t wake Ava or the guys. He looked across to the others, making sure no-one was stirring, before continuing on more quietly. “If you think that, you couldn’t be more wrong. You’re the one everyone loves, Ry. Everyone has always gravitated to you. I’m the one who was always too serious, too focused. I’d lose myself in whatever my current obsession was. Nobody cared about a room full of awards. You were the most popular kid in high school before we got shipped off to the military.”
“High school is long gone. Besides, being liked by people isn’t a skill,” I said.
“Yes, it is. One I’ve never mastered.” River growled. I stared at him, finally meeting his gaze. His eyes were blazing. “Do you have any idea how much I rely on you? How much I need you? I’m never going to be enough for Ava on my own. I know that. It’s too easy to lose myself when I focus on all my plans and I disappear emotionally. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel. I can’t make someone feel loved the same way you do, and that scares me. Your emotions may run away with you sometimes, but you’re passionate and sincere. You build people up and make them feel seen. Everyone followed you with stars in their eyes, even me. You were so bright, like the sun, you were hard to look at sometimes.”
How the hell did we get so messed up when we were two opposite parts of a whole?We always had been. I swallowed hard. Facing his truth the same way he was trying to face mine. So we could move past it.
“All I ever wanted, my whole life, Riv, was to be wherever you were. With Ava at our side. You’re enough. You always have been.”
“Outside of Ava’s summer visits, you were my only friend growing up, Ry. I never felt as if I needed anyone else. Yet you made sure people always included me and I remembered to have fun. I worshipped you growing up. It may have been a quiet worship, but it was there. How do you not know that?”
The pain when Ava left had twisted something inside me. Darkening everything. I’d gone to a bleak place, and I’d never really come back. River was right. We’d been surviving, and it was time to do more. My twin deserved more from me, and so did Ava. She was the only woman for us.
I’d been with women since coming of age, but I’d never been able to feel anything for them. Alphas were primal creatures, and sex was an instinctive drive for us. Yet, it had been pure sexual release that had always left me feeling empty. Just lying here near Ava, not even touching her, or even on the same blanket, merely getting to see her face. I already felt more than I had with any other woman.
It was our job to protect her, and all I’d done since finding her again was unload a heap of crap on her I should have dealt with a long time ago.
“I was so scared when she left,” I finally admitted to my twin. “The thought that she might not accept us twisted me up inside. I can’t live without her.”
