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“Yeah, well, I’m sorry too,” I tell him.
“What?No.”He shakes his head, the motion almost frantic.“You did nothing wrong.”
“Oh, I’m aware,” I say sharply.I left his place thinking I’d misread things between us, but going back over it in my mind, I know I didn’t.He wanted me as much as I wanted him.“What I’m sorry about is letting you almost club me to death with all that baggage you carry around.Unless you’re a Bitcoin entrepreneur or something truly heinous like that, I can’t imagine what you’ve done in your life that’s so terrible.”
His face contorts, but he doesn’t offer up an explanation, so I shrug like I’m unbothered.
“You were right.I’m leaving soon, so it’s fine.It’s… whatever.It’s fine.”It’s not fine.I’m still hurt and confused and burning for him, but if he wants friends, I’ll give him friends.I’ll be the best goddamn friend in the world.“I appreciate the apology though.”
He shoves his hands into his pockets and curls in on himself just the slightest bit.“I can’t believe I’m really about to say this, but it’s not you, it’s me.”
I roll my eyes at the cliché.“I mean, obviously.I’m great.”I say it lightly, trying to make it a joke, but he pins me with his gaze.
“You really are, Liv.I need you to know that.”His eyes are almost pleading, but for what?He’sthe one who made the choice for both of us, just like he’s the one acting like he regrets it now.
He blinks and ends our staring contest.“Anyway, congrats.You’re off the hook for shopping on Tuesday.”
“Oh.”In all the upheaval, I kind of forgot about it.“Um, okay.If that’s what you want.”
“Of course, that’s not what I want.”His voice is a frustrated whip crack, and it’s a beat before he continues in a calmer tone.“Sorry.I’ll be fine on my own.Thank you again for the offer.”
He has that intense look on his face again, the one that makes me think he has an internet’s worth of words that he wants to unleash but doesn’t know how.And that’s when my anger starts to soften into pity.
Let’s review what we know.Point one: Hollis clearly has self-esteem issues and a warped idea of the kind of person he is, possibly stemming from some capitalIissues with his brother.Point two: Hollis has never had a serious relationship if Darby’s comments are anything to go by.Point three: I strongly suspect that Hollis really doeslikeme like me, to put it in grade-school parlance.And point four: Hollis knows I’m leaving town soon.
So what conclusions can I draw?A man with a shaky sense of his own worth likes a girl but doesn’t know how to be in a relationship, particularly one with a clear end date, so he got in his own way, fucked everything up, and regrets it.
This leads me to the fifth and possibly most important point: Despite everything, I still like him too.
I surrender to the temptation.“Hollis, would you like me to go shopping with you on Tuesday?I really was looking forward to helping you shop for the girls.”Then I add, “As friends of course,” just to make it clear that I respect his wishes and won’t be throwing myself at him again.
“Really?Yes!Obviously, yes.”His relieved, delighted smile makes my heart squeeze, and my friendly intentions waver as I fight the urge to shake him and then kiss him.
“If you two want any pigs, you’d better get in here!”Gabe shouts, rescuing me from my way-too-tender feelings.
Hollis grins at me one more time before calling back, “Save us some pigs!”
“And blankets!”I add.
Before we head to the living room, he stops me to whisper, “Do you have any idea what’s up with Wyatt and CJ?”
Friends.I can do the friends thing.“None,” I whisper back.“What the hell?I’ve never seen her so pissed.”
“I’ve only ever seen Wy that pissed at me.But yeah, we need to get to the bottom of it.”He whispers that last bit and then heads to the living room to join the rest of the group.I follow more slowly, pondering how quickly I was demoted from “I want to peel her out of that dress” to “I want to platonically solve mysteries with her.”
Our friends are seated around the coffee table in the living room, working their way through the brie tree, the pig wreath, and the restocked charcuterie board.Birdy’s on Sebastian’s lap in the overstuffed chair, and Gabe’s hand-feeding Darby a blanketed pig on the couch.CJ and Wyatt ended up sitting across from each other, and she’s glaring at him over the rim of her martini glass while he calmly covers a baguette slice in hot pepper jam.
CJ pulls her gaze away and pointedly smiles at Hollis as he settles next to his brother.
“Hi!”she says to him.“Birdy and Seb were just telling us that they’re taking a first-anniversary road trip next week.”
I reclaim my drink and sit down next to her as Wyatt says, “Liv, have you ever heard of the Christmas festival in Bermuda, Ohio?”
Hollis and I make brief eye contact, and I can see he’s as amused as I am by thewho’s the better listenercompetition they have going on.
“Don’t make us pawns in your little game,” Hollis tells the two of them before turning to Birdy and Sebastian.“Tell us all about your trip.”
The pair launch into a description of Niagara Falls hotels and rental cars, and Hollis slants a private smile my way as he layers salami and cheese onto a cracker.I hesitantly return it, grateful for his apology and how it helped clear the air while at the same time not wanting to stray outside of the new boundaries we’ve established for ourselves.
