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“Twist my arm,” I finally say, letting her drop it into my palm.
I was wrong.As delicious as that sprinkle donut is, Liv’s even sweeter… which is not what I should be thinking on this casual, friendly, no-big-deal shopping expedition.
After more soul-searching and self-reflection than I’ve ever done, I’ve accepted the fact that I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.I can’t change the fact that I didn’t tell her I was Luke on day one, and with every passing day that I don’t tell her, it just gets worse.That, in turn, makes it even harder to tell her, which makes continuing tonottell her an even bigger worse than the previous worse.I am, as the ancient Greek philosophers would say, fucked.My head hurts thinking about it.
Now if she was staying, maybe it’d be different.If there was a chance at a real relationship with her, maybe then it’d be worth the risk.But she’s not.So we’ll just be casual friends, and I won’t lay a single grubby, lustful finger on her, no matter how much I dream about it.
The slight hitch in my plan is the question of whether casual friends go Christmas shopping together.I suspect they don’t, but I didn’t have the strength to say no at CJ’s.She looked disappointed at not being part of it, and when she asked me directly, the words erupted out of me like a geyser.
Of course, I want to shop with her.I want toeverythingwith her.So now here we are, and above all else, I need to play it cool today.
That starts with a report on our joint investigation.
“I got nothing out of my brother about CJ,” I say as I navigate us toward Beaucoeur’s shopping center.
“Same.CJ completely shut me down when I tried to ask her about it yesterday.”She takes another pull of her coffee.“It’s bizarre.CJ and I tell each other everything.”
If my truck swerves a tiny bit at her announcement, nobody’ll ever know it but me.“Everything?”
Her absent nod sets my brain spinning.Does that mean CJ knows about Sunday at my house?Christ, does she know what Luke did to Liv in the VIP room?How I came in my fucking shorts like a teenager touching his first boob?I shift in my seat, urging my dick to stay calm.Unfortunately, neither of us has been able to forget how thrilling it was to finally have Liv in my arms, panting and pliant and completely gone.
“So what does your family do for Christmas?”Liv glances at me as she licks a smear of donut icing off her thumb, and I can practically smell the smoke as my brain catches on fire.
“Uh.”I force myself to think warm family thoughts.Warm.Family.Thoughts.“Mom and Phil take the kids to Mass on Christmas Eve.Wyatt and I usually skip.”I cut my eyes over to her and see an amused grin.“Then Christmas morning is an orgy of gift opening that Wyatt and I never miss.The adults usually just sit back and ride the madness.”
“That sounds nice,” she says wistfully.“What about food?”
I relax a bit, getting into the conversation.She’s good at getting people talking.
“Oh, we snack all day, usually in the living room with the fireplace going and Christmas movies on TV.Phil makes his fondue and Mom does Italian beef in the slow cooker, and there’s cinnamon rolls and cheesy potatoes and cheddar popovers and all kinds of cookies.”Christmas is a week from tomorrow, and my mouth’s already watering.“It’s all extremely cheese-based, now that I’m saying it out loud.”
“It sounds likeheaven.”
I peek at her again and am rewarded with her blissed-out, eyes-rolled-back expression.
“I take it that’s not how Christmas goes for you?”
She grimaces.“I’m an only child, and Christmas morning is always quiet at my parents’ house.There’s an orderly exchange of three gifts apiece, and then we have prime rib and yams and cranberry sauce at one p.m.on the dot.”
I try not to let my dismay show and fail utterly.Thankfully, she just laughs it off.“See why yours sounds like so much fun?”
Come with me.I don’t make the offer, but I want to so badly, my throat burns.Instead, I pivot.“Mom says the kids haven’t stopped talking about how great you are.”
“Really?Even Drea?”
God, I love her.She paid so much attention during the brief time she spent with my feral pack of siblings that she knows how rare it is for my spiky little sister to actually say a positive thing about an adult.
“Especially Drea.Out of everyone, I think she’s had the worst time this year.She tries to be tough, but inside she’s a little marshmallow.”And Liv made her smile by teaching her how to draw a lion.A wave of emotions threatens to choke me when I remember the way she patiently walked Drea through shading techniques at my kitchen table.Thankfully, I’m about to pull into a parking spot and can change the subject.“We’re here.”
The bell over the door jingles merrily when we enter Lyrical and are assaulted by the smell of flowers and soap, incense and coffee, soil and paper.The store’s a riot ofthings.Postcards, mixing bowls, socks, earrings, suncatchers, skirts, lotions, plants, and countless other gifts that somebody in your life is bound to love, all of them handmade and carefully picked by the owner.It’s one of my favorite places in town.
“Remind me of our price range?”Liv’s all business as she surveys the lay of the land.
I tell her, unabashedly proud of the way I busted my ass for that pile of cash.“Mom and Wy have grabbed a couple of small things, but I’m in charge of the centerpiece presents for everybody,” I say.“I’ve already got the star projector for Kai’s bedroom and a laser tag kit for Tristan.And LEGOs of course.So many LEGOs.”
“And Sophia?”She trails her fingers over a collection of necklaces hanging from a tiny tree made of actual tiny branches, holding one up so the light sparkles off its polished stones.
“She’s getting a boatload of CuddlePuffs.I’m still tracking down the one she wants the most, but the rest are secured.”I gesture helplessly around me.“It’s Becks and Drea who’ve got me stumped.”
