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So why should I?
“I’m spending the day with Jax.”
“Have fun, don’t eat all your chocolates at once. Shit! Ignore I said that. Be surprised when they arrive. Yeah?”
“Always.”
For the longest time, I remained still, staring at the phone with its ended call. I missed him so bad; I missed Trace. They weren’t calling me as much; they weren’t sharing their news; they were growing up, and moving on, and…
What about me?
I wallowed for as long as it took me to get myself together, then I headed back to the kitchen.
“You okay?” he asked.
“Yeah. That was Sutton.”
Jax seemed as if he wanted to say something else, but after a pause he nodded. “Okay then, I’ll make coffee, then you can decide what you want to do today.”
I nodded, walking Charlie around the kitchen as Jax tidied up, then filled the machine.
“Sure you’re okay?” he asked again after a while.
I broke from my stare into the yard, and focused on Jax. “Yep. Just navel-gazing at heading toward forty.”
“You look good for nearly forty,” he deadpanned, and I fake-punched his arm.
Jax took our coffees and gestured for us to head into the garden room. I followed him, then propped Charlie on my lap as Jax played peekaboo. The coffee was within reach of me, not Charlie, the sofa was warm, Jax was smiling and smoothing a hand on my knee, and some of the knots unraveled.
“I was thinking about my parents, about how they’d be so proud that all three of us were moving on, and then, I thought, hey that’s me, I’m the one that Sutton and Trace are moving on from.” My voice hitched. For fuck’s sake, what was wrong with me?
“Arlo, I’m sorry,” Jax offered and leaned into me.
“If they can’t make it home, it’s just one Christmas, but I want them to meet Charlie, and I want them to see us together after all the time; they wanted that, and…” I scrubbed at my eyes. “I miss them, and when I don’t have them with me, sometimes, I remember Mom and Dad and it hurts; and I’m alone; and it doesn’t matter that I have you because this is stupid.”
Jax huffed. “It’s not stupid. I know Mama and Papa missed me every time I wasn’t at a family celebration, when I was out there trying to find Zach.”
“But they’re yourparents. I’m just the big brother.”
Jax shuffled closer, linked his hand through my arm, happy to rest his head on my shoulder, and more of my tension slipped away.
“You took over being both momanddad to Sutton and Trace,” Jax insisted.
“Not a dad, no.”
“Did you juggle multiple jobs to pay bills?”
“Yeah, but?—”
“Did you make sure they got to practice and games on time?? Or that they did class projects even though they didn’t want to? Did you set curfews, and rules, and make sure they grew up right?”
“As their big brother.” I didn’t know where this was going.
“In reality, you were their mom and dad all rolled into one,” he murmured and pressed a soft kiss to the tip of my nose.
“We’ll agree to disagree,” I sniffed, and Jax chuckled.
Charlie reached out for Jax, who took him and settled him on his chest, and for a moment, I watched as Charlie played with Jax’s long hair. He’d left it down today, curled from where he’d left it to dry without product or brushing of any kind. I reached over myself to copy Charlie, curled a lock around my finger and tugged it gently.
