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I spenda miserable day in bed, watching Netflix on my laptop and eating food out of the vending machine. Could I really have been shopping hand in hand with the perfect man just yesterday? Drinking hot cocoa and falling asleep in his arms? Losing my virginity to him while he made me come so hard I saw stars?
It doesn't seem real. None of it seems real.
I miss Nathan so, so much.
I call my mom and we talk for a long, long time. I don't go into detail, but she seems to relax when I explain that Nathan has only been at the school for two weeks and won't be returning after break. Combined with a picture of me in my dorm bed, it's enough to convince her to let me stay at school, even if she is still incredibly upset with me.
I obviously don't tell her that Nathan is my ex's dad, and when she demands I promise her that I won't see him anymore, I can't make the words come out of my mouth. Mom is frustrated, but I've given her all the promises I can. I'm not ready to admit that I might never be with Nathan again.
Just like I'm not ready to admit to myself that I love him. Something I've only realized now that he's gone, and I'm here alone, on Christmas of all days.
"Well, at least he's not really your teacher." Mom sighs when she still can't get a promise out of me. "I just worry about you, dear."
"I know, Mom." I sniffle. "I love you. Sorry for all of this today. And sorry that a random classmate of mine called and blew everything way out of proportion."
"We would have needed to have this talk eventually either way. Merry Christmas, Noelle. I'll see you over New Year’s."
I tuck the phone under my pillow and cue up another episode ofThe Bachelor, trying my best not to cry anymore. I've done so much of it that my entire face hurts. Just as I consider going to the vending machine for other Snickers, there's a knock on my dorm room door. Great. I hope one of the few other people still here didn't hear me bawling my eyes out.
It isn't a student. Of course, it isn't. I should have known exactly who was going to be on the other side of the door, but when I open it, it's still a shock.
Nathan has two dozen roses in his hands, all of them the deep red of holly berries.
"Hi," I breathe, staring at him.
He holds the flowers out. "These are for you."
"Thanks," I say, still staring.
"Can I come in?"
"Sure." I move aside to let him in.
The room is small, but he makes it feel even smaller by filling it up. I can smell his cologne, and his broad shoulders nearly brush against the walls. It's not fair, really.
"I shouldn't have pressured you earlier," he says without preamble.
"I shouldn't have pushed you away."
"I shouldn't have let you push me away."
I give him a watery smile. "It's okay. It's not just the...school thing. It's that my family is the only thing I've ever known. The idea of disappointing my mom seems like a nightmare."
He nods, setting the roses down on the desk, and comes to wrap his arms around me.
I bury my face in his chest. He's so solid and strong. So warm. It's not fair that he's so good and perfect, and he's not even really mine.
"I resigned," he murmurs into my hair. "Not that I work here full time anyway, but I made it clear I won't be teaching ever again."
I'm startled. "Really?"
"I'm done worrying about getting in trouble over this," he says softly, kissing the top of my head. "I called Danny, too. He was the one to call your mom, but it was before he came to the house on Christmas Eve. Before the fight. He had to leave a voicemail because apparently she had no service and she didn't get the message until early this morning."
"But...why would he do that?"
"Because he's an asshole," Nathan says flatly. "He thinks he can get away with anything. And I think he was trying to blackmail me. So I took away anything he could hold against me." His muscles tense, showing me just how angry he still is. "Fuck this school. You're the only thing that matters, and you're going to come downstairs, get in the car, and come home with me. I let you leave once, I won't do it again."
