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“You motherfucker,” she muttered as Nick rocked with silent laughter.
And then the actor who played him came on the screen, wearing a banana-hammock bathing suit with a large bulge and an equally dark spray tan with the same sparkly white teeth that would be visible from outer space.
They landed on a single lounge chair on the sand, umbrella drinks on a table next to them.
“Not so funny now, huh?” Sam asked.
Nick had a slightly horrified expression on his face. “It’s, um…”
Then the actors started talking, and it got worse.
She rubbed tanning oil on him as she basically humped him from behind. “I’m so excited for our beach vacation.”
He moaned as she rubbed the oil into his shoulders.
“Those mean old Joint Chiefs can go bleep themselves.” She bit his neck. “Theywishthey were as sexy as you are.”
“I’m most definitely going to kill you for this,” Sam said.
“Who needs Joint Chiefs, anyway?” the Nick actor asked as he beat his chest. “I’m the commander in chief.”
“That’s right, baby. You’re the big boss, the big hoss, themain man.”
“Death won’t be good enough for you,” Sam muttered as her phone buzzed madly with texts. She could picture everyone she knew howling with laughter.
“How should we celebrate our second anniversary?” the Nick actor asked with a gleam in his eye.
He turned toward the camera to reveal the bulge in his teeny-tiny suit had gotten bigger.
“Oh my God,” Nick muttered.
“I have a few ideas,” the Sam actor said as she wrapped herself around him in a passionate embrace just as “Why Don’t We Get Drunk and Screw” by Jimmy Buffett started to play. The couple gyrated to the beat as they made out, hands all over each other.
They emerged from the revolting kiss to flash their bright white smiles as they said, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.”
“I want a divorce,” Sam said.
He shut off the TV. “You do not.”
“No, I really do.”
“You’d miss me.”
She crossed her arms. “I don’t think I would.”
He cozied up to her, kissing her neck and making her melt. “Yes, you would.”
“Wouldn’t.”
“You’d miss the bulge in my banana hammock.”
“That’s the only reason I’m still here.”
His laughter rocked them both.
“I still hate you.”
“I hate me, too.”
