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“You said that, not me.”
“It’s what you meant.” She took another sip of wine. “If you want the truth…”
“The truth would be good.”
What was it about this man that made her feel ashamed of her propensity to lie? “I wasn’t a good mother. I admit that. Like I said, I was sixteen when I had him. His father’s mother raised him. I had very little to do with him being where he is now.”
“Is that why he says you’re not in his life?”
“Partially.” She wanted Collins to like and admire her the way she did him, but after she told him the rest, he’d be revolted.
Then his hand came across the table to rest on top of hers. “I’m not judging you, Nicoletta. I swear I’m not. I wouldn’t have been prepared to be a parent at sixteen either.”
“I let him down,” she said on a sigh. “Frequently. I never intended to disappoint him. It seemed that I couldn’t help it. I was so, so selfish. I wasn’t about to let a child get in the way of my hopes and dreams, even if he was the cutest little guy.” She smiled when she thought of young Nick. “He was so serious and earnest. From the time he stepped foot in school, he was an outstanding student. He was everything I never was. I sort of resented him for that, you know?”
“I can see how it would’ve been difficult for you.”
“I wanted to do right by him. I really did. I love him. I always have. I just was such a fuckup. And Nick… He just kept excelling at sports and school and everything he did. He played varsity hockey in high school and won a full academic scholarship to Harvard, of all places. My son was going toHarvard. I told everyone I met about that, as if I’d had anything to do with it. That was all him. He was on fire with ambition and drive. Over time, I started to feel ashamed to be around him. I was scraping the bottom of the barrel to survive, and my son was earning academic achievements at the most prestigious college around. I felt dirty next to him.”
She’d never said these things out loud to anyone.
“I’m sorry you felt that way.”
Nicoletta shrugged. “I’ve always been nothing compared to him. You may as well know that I’ve taken advantage of his soft heart a few times by shaking him down for money. I also was paid to give interviews full of falsehoods about him. It’s no wonder he wants nothing to do with me.”
She was almost afraid to look at him after confessing her deepest sins.
“People make mistakes, Nicoletta.”
“There’re mistakes, and then there are sins, Collins. There’s a big difference.”
“Are you sorry for the way you’ve treated your son?”
“I’ve always been sorry. There’s an ache in my heart with his name on it. I wish things were different, but it’s too late now.”
“It’s never too late to make amends to the people you love.”
“In this case, it might be. He’d never see me or listen to me.”
“Would he listen to me as your representative?”
“What’re you suggesting?”
“That I reach out to him on your behalf, indicate your wish to make amends and to start fresh with him and his family.”
“His bitch of a wife would never allow it. She’s the reason the FBI investigated me in the first place. I’m sure of that.”
“If you wish to truly make amends with him, Nicoletta, you have to stop calling his wife a bitch and blaming her for your troubles.”
She felt chastised, the way she had when her mother used to tell her to quit being mouthy and promiscuous. She should’ve listened to her.
“I don’t mean to be harsh,” he added. “But the bond between the first couple is obvious to anyone who has even the slightest awareness of them. If you mean to make things right with him, you’ll have to also make things right with her.”
Nicoletta hated the woman her son had married and the way she’d been treated by her when she’d shown up, uninvited, to their wedding. The thought of that day made her seethe with resentment.
“Nicoletta?”
“I’m not sure I can make things right with her. I can’t stand her.”
