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“You look like shit,” Ink commented as he handed me a cup of coffee.
I grunted. “Slept like shit,” I admitted. That anniversary date was so close, and it was smothering me. I couldn’t fucking breathe half the time. And Helena was everywhere I looked, constantly appearing. Constantly talking to me.
Just let me go, Whiler, she said, suddenly appearing in front of me out of thin air. I jerked to a stop, clenching my teeth before I moved around her. I knew she wasn’t real, so anyone watching just saw me avoid empty space, but fuck, I couldn’t just walk through her. Even if she was a figment of my imagination.
Ink eyed me but didn’t say a word, though I saw the questions in his eyes. Gritting my teeth, I turned my face away, focusing on the coffee in my hands.
Once I was sitting in my seat in the chapel, Joey slammed his gavel on the table, bringing the room to attention. “Fathers of Mayhem are riding in for a shipment of guns. They’re not staying. This is a rush order. River called me around midnight to let me know, so once this meeting is out, ride out and get to the warehouse, clear?” He looked at me. “You, Ink, and Vern are on this one again.”
“Got it,” I grunted, while Ink and Vern both nodded. Maybe getting away from the clubhouse for a couple of hours would be good. Fuck knew I needed space from Cannon.
“Can you handle this?” Joey asked me.
I sneered at him in answer. He knew I would never let my personal shit hinder the club. This club—this family—was my life. It was all I had any more, and it was the only thing keeping me breathing. He was an asshole for even asking.
Joey just shrugged at me, not the least bit bothered by my bad mood. “That’ll be all. We’ll reconvene when you three get back,” he said, slamming the gavel to end church.
I downed the rest of my coffee and left it on the table for one of the club girls to grab and wash before I walked out to the gravel lot, heading straight for my bike. I followed Ink with Vern trailing me to the warehouse, where we propped ourselves up in chairs to wait for River to get there, which shouldn’t take long. Especially if it was a rush order. River wouldn’t be taking his time.
“You okay, brother?” Ink suddenly asked me, breaking the peaceful silence. I grunted. “You’ve been lost for the past couple of weeks. I know the date is coming up.”
I nodded at him, trying not to lash out. He was concerned, and I understood that, even if I didn’t fucking like it. “Doing my best,” I confessed.
He rubbed the back of his neck before dropping his hand back to his lap just as Helena appeared at the edge of the woods, staring at me. I flinched but stared back at her, my throat working as I tried to swallow.
“You see her, don’t you?” Ink quietly asked.
I finally managed to swallow past the lump in my throat and nodded my head. “Am I fucking losing my mind? I’ve seen her ever since that night. She’s everywhere, Ink.” I leaned forward and braced my elbows on my knees, dropping my face into my hands. “I can’t fucking escape her.”
Ink was shaking his head when I turned to look at him. “Spirits and ghosts cling to us, especially when we’re clinging to them.”
I closed my eyes, my chest constricting. I wasn’ttryingto hold her here, but I didn’t know how to let go of her. The thought of being without her, even if it was just her ghost, fucking made me feel like someone was gutting me. “I don’t know how to let her go, Ink. I didn’t get there in time. She begged me to save her, but—”
“Don’t,” Ink growled. He reached out and clasped the back of my neck, bringing our foreheads together. I squeezed my eyes shut to hold back my tears. “What happened was not your fault. Your parents left the stupid stove on.” And fucking hell, I hated them for that. Something so minor had turned catastrophic. Had made the sweetest little girl lose her life. But at least they’d lost theirs in the process. Because if they hadn’t, I would’ve slaughtered them for this. “This falls entirely on them, you hear me? You did what you could, but it was already too late.”
“It wasn’t—”
“Itwas,” Ink snapped, shaking me for good measure. I glanced toward the woods; Helena was still standing there, just watching us. “You loved Helena to pieces, brother. All of us know that. And while she knew you, you were the best damn big brother she could have ever asked for, you hear me? At least she had your comfort in her last moments. You didn’t leave her alone in that house, Whiler. In that way, youdidsave her.”
I squeezed my eyes shut, willing my tears back. A ragged breath left my lungs, escaping out my mouth. Ink gently shook me again. “You have to let her go, brother. Being stuck here isn’t helping her.”
He released me just as we heard bikes pulling up the long, overgrown path. Steeling myself, I locked it all back away, shoving Ink’s words into the back of my mind to return to later. This wasn’t the time nor place to figure all that shit out.
River came around the bend and rolled to a stop, Sam behind him, and Tank driving the van. I nodded once at the three of them in greeting, and Ink strode forward to cover everything else.
And Helena continued to silently watch from the edge of the woods.
7
Whiler
Ieyed the vehicle headed toward us, my hands tightening on the handlebars of my bike. Something about it set me on edge. My gut was practically yelling at me that something bad was going to happen, and it never let me down.
Gritting my teeth, I revved my engine a little, trying to get Ink’s attention, but he didn’t turn to face me. And he didn’t slow down or speed up either, which meant he didn’t get the message.
That was all the time I had.
A bullet tore through my side, and I lost control of my bike from the momentary blinding pain. The asphalt quickly ripped through my shirt, burning my arm. I quickly curled myself into a ball as much as I could as I tumbled down the steep slope on the side of the road, gritting my teeth against the pain. Blood filled my mouth, and my vision momentarily went white once I finally hit the bottom, every part of my body aching. I could hear Ink and Vern shouting from above, but there was no gunfire.
