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And my heart felt goddamn empty. My entirebeingfelt empty. Lost. Soulless.
Alejandro slipped into the front seat and quietly drove off. I leaned my head back against the headrest, silent tears streaking down my cheeks. I was in fucking agony.
She was gone. Just like that. And I’d listened to herdying. Even now, her screams were still echoing in my ears as if she was still screaming for me to save her.
I’m so sorry, little angel,I silently whispered.I’m so fucking sorry.
I hadn’t gotten to her in time, and that shit would haunt me for the rest of my life.
* * *
I thoughtthe open road would relieve some of the pain, but it only seemed to make it worse. I had nothing to do. Nothing to occupy my mind with. And every time I set up a tent somewhere to sleep, nightmares plagued my mind, only letting me getmaybea couple of hours of sleep each night, if that.
Days had passed, but I could still taste the soot on my tongue no matter how hard I brushed my teeth or how much mouthwash I rinsed my mouth out with. I could still feel the hot ash landing on my skin no matter how many times I dipped into a cold ass stream or river. And no matter how loud I played my music, I could still hear her fucking screaming for me. And every time I closed my eyes, I could smell the burning flesh, the charred wood.
I needed a purpose again. But I couldn’t stand to be in this town all the time. Not yet. The Sons of Hell had given me a home. Given me a purpose. Allowed me to be near my family and build a relationship with my little sister.
But now, I needed to be away. Yet leaving the club was not an option.
I scrubbed my hands down my face as I stared at my face in the mirror. It was the first time I’d been at the clubhouse in days. The first time I’d really gotten a look at myself.
The old Whiler was gone.
Dark circles bruised the skin beneath my eyes, and my beard was unkempt, unlike the neat cut I usually kept it in. I couldn’t even bring myself to care.
I looked tired. Dead on the inside. That spark of life in my eyes was gone.
“Whiler?” Joey called, knocking on my door. He pushed it open a moment later, not waiting for me to say anything. He crossed his arms over his chest, staring at me through my bathroom doorway. “Ink said he saw you climb the stairs about two this morning.”
I grunted and strode past him, dropping the towel to tug on a pair of boxers and jeans. Joey didn’t say anything about my nakedness. Hell, we’d all seen each other in worse positions, usually while we were pummeling pussy. Lord knew I’d seen enough of Joey’s bare ass while he was dating Adelaide to last me a fucking lifetime.
“I can’t stay here, Joey,” I gruffly told him as I tugged a plain, gray, long-sleeve shirt over my head.
Joey sighed. “I figured, which was why I was hoping to catch you before you disappeared for another week.” I grunted again and shrugged my cut on before sitting on the edge of my bed to tug on a pair of socks and my boots. “I wanted to talk to you about going nomad.”
I arched a brow at him, not following. “We don’t have nomads, Joey.”
Joey pushed his fingers through his dirty blonde hair. “I know we don’t, brother, but if going nomad is what you need to figure yourself out, then I’m allowing it. And it’s not up to the club. I’ll take whatever heat the members want to throw about it. I’m not losing you to this shit, Whiler.”
I swallowed past the sudden lump in my throat. I was already lost. There was no saving me. “I still hear her screaming for me, Joey.”
Joey sat beside me on the bed and clapped a hand to my shoulder. “I’ll keep you busy, Whiler. You won’t just be riding to ride. I’ll do my best to make sure you don’t have much time to think on your shoulders.”
I nodded once in thanks, blowing out a harsh breath. It was the best option I could see at the moment besides putting a bullet in my temple. And that was too easy of a way to go. “Do I need a new patch?”
Joey shook his head. “No. Because when you’re ready to come back home, Whiler, you’ll be welcomed right back into this charter, you hear me?” He gently shook my shoulder. “We’re family, brother.”
I nodded and blew out a ragged breath before standing to my feet. “I’ll pack a bag,” I rumbled. “I’m leaving in ten minutes. Whatever orders you’ve got to get me started, have ‘em ready.”
He nodded once and slipped from the room, not even calling me out on ordering him around like he normally would. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to hold back my tears. Every piece of mehurt.
I was thankful as fuck to have Joey and this club on my side. I wasn’t sure if I’d survive this without them.
But who the fuck did Helena have when she was burning alive in her fucking bedroom?
2
Whiler
