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“No, I'm not ashamed of you. What on earth would make you think that?”
“Sam, when we were at my parents and I mentioned meeting your parents and getting some stories about you, you looked away from me and froze. I got the impression you didn't want me to meet your parents.”
Sam took a deep breath, set her wineglass on the coffee table, and turned to face him head on. His heart hammered in his chest. Her face scrunched up, and her posture grew rigid.
“It’s embarrassing and heartbreaking at the same time.”
She took another big breath. “First of all, my father passed away three years ago. So, you won't be able to meet him. My mother is still alive, but I never want you to meet her. Gray, I didn't come from a family like yours. My family didn't want me. They didn't want female children; they only wanted boys. All my life I was told I wasn't good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, or anything enough to be something, to be successful, to be happy, to be anything. My mother repeatedly told me I would be lucky if I ever found anyone who would marry me. And, if I did, I should thank my lucky stars and stick with that person forever, because that would be a miracle.”
She swiped at the tears in her eyes. He ground his teeth together at this heartbreaking revelation.
She took another breath and continued.
“My parents were both raging alcoholics, drinking every day and every night. I grew up cooking, cleaning, farming, and basically running the house because they were usually too drunk to do it. By the time I was twelve, I was running the barn, keeping track of the breeding records of our cows, milking morning and night, and coming in to make supper for my brother and me. Then, if I had homework, I would stay awake until late at night, trying to catch up. Usually, I had to hide that I was doing homework. If my mother knew about it, she’d come into my room and scream at me that it was useless. She said I wasn’t going to amount to anything anyway and I could be using that time doing laundry or a hundred other things around the house that needed to be done.
“I learned very early to be invisible and not call attention to myself, and above all else, never get in any kind of trouble in school so my parents wouldn’t be called. I was there to make sure there was food on the table, the cows were milked and bred when they were due, and keep track of the household bills. I needed to tell them when something was due and I had better not be late. My brother didn't need to do anything; he was a boy. After all, he was going to carry on the family name. I wasn't.”
Gray couldn't say anything. He continued to stare at her as she wiped her eyes. He slowly reached forward and pulled her into his arms. Kissing the top of her head, his heart broke for the little girl who never got to be little. His breathing came in ragged breaths; his eyes grew glassy from unshed tears.
The silence stretched on for lack of knowing what to say.
“Do you think less of me now?”
Gray straightened his back. “Why would you think that?” He pulled away and turned her to face him. “Why would I think less of you?”
Sam’s voice quivered, “Well, I didn't come from a good family like you did. That's important to some people.”
“Oh God, Sam.”
He pulled her onto his lap, pulled her head down on his shoulder, and wrapped his arms around her.
“I think more of you. Look at you. You’re beautiful, smart, funny, happy, loving, and you did it all on your own. You educated yourself, raised a family, and you aren't bitter or resentful in any way. Now when I think of how you were with Mrs. Koeppel, it amazes me even more that you could be so compassionate in light of your past. No, Sam, I don't think less of you, I think more of you.”
Gray held her for a long time. He rocked her back and forth, and it felt good to soothe her and comfort her.
After a while, he cleared his throat. “Do your kids know about them?”
Sam sighed. “A little. I didn't tell them everything because I didn't want them to have hate toward my parents. But, they’ve only seen my mother about three times in their lives, so they don't know her. They saw my father a bit more, but he never talked to anyone, so they didn’t know him either.
“My parents divorced after I graduated from high school. So, that’s why they saw my father a little more. I still felt responsible, like I owed it to my parents to make sure they had Christmas and birthdays. I know in my head it wasn’t my responsibility, but I had such guilt if I didn’t try. When Jake was seven, my brother and I had to have our mother committed. She had gotten so bad with her drinking, she didn’t have a job. She had charged groceries and liquor all over town and wasn’t able to pay her rent, so her landlord had served her with eviction papers.
“Finally, her neighbor got my brother’s number from my mom and called him and told him what was going on. He called me and said we had to have her committed.
“My brother had straightened out her finances, so when she got out, he’d found her an apartment close to his house. She found a job and was working to supplement her social security. My brother checks on her unannounced and rummages through her garbage and cupboards to make sure she is staying sober. She stayed clean—for a number of years actually—but she wouldn’t have anything to do with me. I had invited her to Jake’s birthday party, and she said she would come and never showed up. I stopped trying with her after that. She has since fallen back off the wagon, and now she’s worse than ever. She won’t even have anything to do with my brother now. He has paid her bills, helped her out over and over, but she won’t speak to him because the last time she was at his house, he refused to give her any alcohol.”
Sam sat up a bit and looked at Gray. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, open and honest and all. It’s hard for me to talk about, and to tell you the truth, the only other person I ever said anything to was Tim. Even my best friend, Pam, doesn’t know everything.”
Gray squeezed her tight, swallowing his anger and resentment. “I’m so sorry, Sam. I had no idea you had a childhood like that. No child should ever feel like they don’t matter, especially not you. You’re good, do you know that?”
She swallowed a few times, and finally, she nodded.
“I try to remember that, but I struggle with it. It’s where my self-esteem issues come from; after all these years, it still lives inside of me. My head knows better sometimes, but my heart and my subconscious forget. But Idotry to work on it. Every day is a struggle.”
He pulled her up to look at him. “I’ll help you, Sam. You need to know just how special you are.”
“Gray, it can be very trying dealing with someone like me. I apologize ahead of time.”
Smiling at her, he looked deep into her eyes and ran the back of his fingers along her cheek and her jaw. He reached up and ran his thumb along her bottom lip. She opened her mouth and sucked his thumb into her mouth. His pupils dilated, his nostrils flared, and he watched her mouth suck on his thumb. She sucked it in and out a few times, and he began pushing his hips up and grinding his erection against her body. Her eyes never left his as she took his hand in hers and sucked on each of his fingers, very slowly, licking the ends of each one a few times. He slid his arm under her legs and kept his other arm behind her back, and stood up, carrying her with him to the bedroom.
