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“It’s the goat!” Kara called out. “That’s the lie.” She kept glancing at her watch as if they were about to run off schedule.
Allison welcomed the intrusion. “Nope.” She grinned. “I’ve only swum with dolphins once.”
“Okay but seriously.” Mandy poked at her leg. “I need to hear more about this goat.”
Allison’s sophomore year at Brown, the school had brought in a small petting zoo run by a local farm to help with stress management. Colin had offered to take her after he finished a paper, but it took longer than he’d hoped, and by the time they’d arrived at the zoo, the owners were out of feed for the animals. Bummed, Allison had sat in a corner of the fenced-in area, talking to a black-and-white pygmy goat as if it might respond. It had a bell around its neck and liked to kick its legs wildly as it jumped in circles, and Allison had loved him.
Colin had wandered off, and when he returned, he dropped a bag of baby carrots into her lap. “Where did you get this?” she’d asked. He’d given her a wink and one of those mischievous smiles before insisting that he had his ways. With a squeal, she broke a few carrots into small pieces to feed them to her new friend. He’d eaten them right off her palm, and nuzzled her arm gently with his horned forehead to ask for more. She’d obliged, again and again, until a big rush of freshmen who’d just finished up a major bio exam showed up. They were loud and crowded the animals like a group of small children, and it took about two seconds for Allison and Colin to decide to sneak out the back gate.
Well, one of them mustn’t have closed it fully (Allison was sure it was Colin, but, not surprisingly, he’d blamed her), and her little black-and-white friend followed them out. They were all the way back at her dorm when she’d heard the distinct tinkle of that bell and spun around to find the goat jumping toward them with his little kicks.
They’d both panicked and charged at the animal at the same time,causing him to bleat and run away. Instead of catching the goat, Allison and Colin crashed into each other. Like something out of an incredibly tropey romcom, they’d ended up on the ground, Colin on top of her, and what started out as an embarrassing laughing fit soon turned into their first kiss (meanwhile, the goat stole the entire bag of carrots, along with Allison’s purse, and was found wandering the student commons).
Allison deliberately skipped over Colin and the kiss as she recounted the story for her cohort. Her eyes remained honed on Mandy, and Allison forced a laugh at all the right parts. She shouldn’t have needed to fake it. It was a great anecdote. But the way things had ended with Colin draped a dark shroud over that entire year. Allison couldn’t think back on any of it without her stomach knotting painfully.
Colin’s eyes seared into the back of her neck as he stood, frozen, against the mantel. It was impossible not to wonder what he was thinking. Did that memory jab at him too? Or had he left it behind along with her when he’d graduated?
She flushed with relief when Kara yelled, “Food’s ready!,” causing everyone to dash for the kitchen.
Allison hung behind, putting as much distance as she could between herself, Colin, and those bittersweet memories.
Allison hadn’t realized how much she was craving fresh air until she dragged open the sliding glass door and stepped out onto the balcony. Taking a deep breath, she ignored the acrid scent of exhaust fumes wafting from the street and focused on the coolness of the air in her chest.
Kara’s apartment was small enough to make seven people feel like a crowd, and as she’d poured her fifth (and, she swore to herself, final) Starburst martini, Allison had suddenly felt cramped everywhere she went. This happened a lot when she got drunk. As the alcohol turned the world around her fuzzy, she became too aware of her size, of howshe fit into spaces. It was like she grew sharper while everything else blurred.
Tugging down the hem of her dress, she lowered herself onto the wooden slats of the balcony and leaned her head against the metal rails. Their cold exterior pricked at the skin of her temple, clearing Allison’s thoughts as she watched cars rush by.
She wasn’t an introvert. She didn’t love being alone. Sometimes, Allison even found the anonymity of huge crowds—like concerts, amusement parks, summer beach days—appealing. It could be nice to be nobody for a few minutes, and, surrounded by so many people, her body shrunk in diameter. It no longer felt as if everyone noticed her simply because she was larger than most.
But more intimate groups, those handfuls of people she knew, were trickier to navigate. You couldn’t disappear when everyone knew your name. Never mind negotiating the minefield that was Colin Benjamin on top of that. Allison needed a second to take a breath and justbe.
She managed two more deep inhales and exhales before she caught the sound of approaching footsteps. A shadow fell over her as the person reached the sliding doors.
Colin rested his head against the screen. “Those martinis have kicked my ass harder than an MMA champion.” His voice was quiet, almost swallowed by the city noise.
“I don’t understand your sportsball reference.”
“There’s no ball in mixed martial arts.”
Allison threw up her hands. “Semantics.”
Colin snorted. “Why are you sitting out here?”
“Air.”
“There’s a total of like seven people in there.” He hooked a thumb over his shoulder toward the apartment.
“And there’s four and a half martinis sloshing around in here.” Allison pointed at her stomach. “Hence, air.”
“Ah.” Colin’s hazel eyes cut across the balcony. “Room for one more person?”
The darkness that haloed him had soft edges, like the whole world had been painted in watercolors. Allison could feel the alcohol settling deeper into her, turning her limbs loose and her mouth unguarded. “Why?” she asked.
Surprise yanked something between a cough and a laugh from Colin’s mouth. “Why do I want to sit with you?”
Allison shrugged, though, in her head, she was screaming the word.Why. Why. WHY.
His eyes narrowed behind his glasses. “I needed a break. Despite my extensive collection, I don’t know enough about comics to keep up with Alex and Link.”
