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“Or what about the way he would edit your lit theory papers with a red pen instead of just giving you feedback.” Sophie shook her head.
“He’s changed.” What drew Allison to Colin 2.0 were all the things he’d lacked before: empathy, vulnerability, a willingness to let someone else sway his views. Three years ago, he probably would have tried to tell Allison how to deal with her father rather than offering her a space to talk, as he had this weekend. He was like an old house that had been gutted for renovations: the same on the outside, but almost unrecognizable within.
Sophie’s mouth thinned. “That’s hard to believe when you’ve been hiding your relationship from me.”
“I wasn’t hiding it. We had sex like four hours before I told you we were together.”And I don’t even know if we really are together,Allison reminded herself.
“Yeah, but he’s been in your program for like two months now.” Her friend’s words were pointed.
Allison’s stomach clenched. It felt so much worse hearing it out loud. She’d spent all this time keeping secrets from Sophie, holding in feelings she could have been working through out loud. And why? Because she was afraid that Sophie had changed too much? She hated the idea that her mother was right about Allison’s penchant for the familiar. “For most of that time, there was nothing happening. Wewere arguing, or ignoring each other. I literally ran away from him at orientation.”
Sophie cracked a grin. “Smooth.”
“As always.” Allison sketched a small bow from her chair. “I tripped over the curb in the process.”
Sophie snorted, but the amusement quickly faded from her coffee-colored eyes. “What about school?”
“What about it?” Tension snapped through Allison’s shoulders.
“After he stole the Rising Star from you, you fell apart. You stopped caring about anything. You barely finished your classes. And you were so convinced that you were never going to get into grad school just because you didn’t win. If your mom and I hadn’t convinced you to retake everything over the summer, you might not be here now.”
Allison dug her toes into the shaggy pile of her carpet, her eyes darting from Sophie’s face. Over the last few years, she’d done her best to forget the aftermath of Colin breaking up with her, letting her anger at him burn the rest of those memories out. She’d felt like such a failure. She’d held everything she’d wanted in her hands, only to open her palms to the wind and let it all blow away. That feeling had gnawed away at her insides until Allison couldn’t handle the smallest bit of feedback without falling apart.
She’d never admitted it to anyone, but she’d started a new word wall that summer, hiding it along the side of her dorm bed. Every word a synonym for failure.
She gripped the seat of her chair in crushing fingers. “I got over all that.” She wasn’t that girl anymore. And Colin wasn’t the guy who had made her that way.
Sophie’s lips quirked. “But now you’re in this big important program. Your career is on the line. If he messes with your focus—”
“He won’t.”
Sophie’s face was etched with disbelief.
“I won’t let myself fall apart like that again. I’m stronger now,” Allison clarified.
Sophie didn’t look finished but something in Allison’s expression seemed to make her think twice. “Why didn’t you tell me?” she asked instead.
Allison sighed.Here we go.She tugged her long hair over her shoulder and twisted it around her fingers. Time to get everything out in the open. At least, it would be one less boulder weighing her down.
Though she wanted to look anywhere else, she forced herself to maintain eye contact with Sophie. “I didn’t think you’d care.”
Sophie flinched. “What?”
“You’re never around, and when you are, you’re buried in your sketches and your fabrics. We barely see each other, never mind hang out. I thought, when we signed the lease on this place, that nothing would change. It would be just like Brown.”
“Allison.” Sophie’s brown eyes were wide. “We’re not in college anymore.” Her tone was too careful. “Our schedules are polar opposites. I’m gone all day, and you’re in class or studying all afternoon and evening. We don’t have free time the way we used to.”
“I know. I’m not stupid.”
“Then what’s with this ‘I wouldn’t care’ stuff?”
Allison’s finger twisted more tightly in her waves. “It just feels like your new life is more important than our old one.”
Anger was not the expression she expected to see flit across her friend’s face. But there it was, contorting Sophie’s cheeks and darkening her gaze. “I’m not the only one who’s not here, Allison.”
“What?”
“All your hangouts with your classmates and your study sessions and lectures and whatever? You think I don’t worry that I’m losing my best friend to people who understand her better than I do?”
