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“Okay, genius, what do I want, then?”
“You had dreams, Wyatt. Before your mom died, you had all these plans. You were going to go to school to be a vet, and you didn’t want to live on the farm forever. You wanted a family, a big one. Do you remember any of that? Do you remember wanting any of it?”
I shrug. “I remember the vet stuff. I’ve looked into going back to school, at least to finish my bachelor’s degree. But I think I’ve blocked out the family stuff. You know how I feel about falling in love.”
Alex just shakes his head at me. “I know you’re scared. You went through something awful and traumatic and have spent these past few years pretending it didn’t affect you. I think you do want to fall in love. I think you want the whole picket-fence-house-full-of-laughing-kids-and-a-dog-and-cat life. I think you want all of it, but you’re scared.”
“What am I so scared of then?”
“You’re scared that once you get all that, something will happen and you’ll lose it. Because you’ve already lost it once.”
“Of course I’m scared, Alex. My life was perfect one day and then in complete shambles the next. My mom was healthy and happy and alive, then she wasn’t. My family talked about my baseball games and Willa’s crushes one night and then the next we were figuring out Mom’s treatment plans and who could drive her to the hospital while someone else picked Willa up from school. So yeah, I’m scared. I’m scared because no one thinks their family will be the one destroyed by sickness and pain. And I can’t handle that again, Alex. I can’t.”
“Don’t let that fear keep you from living, Wyatt.”
“Did you not hear a single thing I said?”
“I heard you. I lived it with you. Do you remember all the times I picked Willa up so you and your dad could take care of your mom and the farm? Or the days I covered for you in college while you were home on your mom’s really bad days? I was right there beside you, Wyatt, every single day. And I have been there every day since. Your mom died, and a part of you died with her.”
“You’re right, okay? You’re right and I know that. And I’m trying to be better, but . . .”
“You don’t have to be better, Wyatt. There’s nothing wrong with you. You just have to start living again.”
Lucy’s words echo in my head. I’ve spent five years tucking away my grief and pain. Five years pretending I was fine—pretending I was happy. I don’t know how to stop pretending. I’ve gotten so good at surviving, I don’t know how to live.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Lucy
Ican’tgoinside.The beach house looks the same as it did the last time I was here, minus the tarp the rental company put over the roof, and caution tape blocking off the private access.
There are two entrances: one door on the side with wooden steps, and one on the back deck that you can only get to from the steps leading up from under the house. I sit in my car, my eyes already stinging. I don’t want to do this alone. I shouldn’t have come.
I reach for my phone and stare at my contacts, my eyes blurring from tears. I know who I want to call, but I can’t decide if it’s selfish to hit the call button or not.
In the end, I do it anyway.
“Lucy?”
“Hi.”
“Are you okay?”
I bite my lip and close my eyes. “No.”
“Lucy,” he breathes my name and I break.
“I don’t think I can do this, Wyatt.”
“No one’s forcing you to. It’s okay if you’re not ready.”
I roll the windows down in my car. I can hear the waves crashing on the shore, and I feel it begin to calm my racing heart. I close my eyes and picture the rise and fall of the waves, the pull of the current. The shells left behind from every wave.
“I think I just need to sit on the beach for a while,” I say softly.
“Okay. Lucy?”
“Yeah?”
