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He reaches over his shoulder for his water bottle. "Want some?"
"Sure." I take it from him, our gloved fingers brushing.
I take a swig, hand it back, and then he has some. As he screws the lid back on, he starts talking. "There are two reasons why I didn't fuck you that time…or any time since."
"I'm listening."
"Reason number one, and it's by far the most important reason, is that I liked talking to you. Finding guys to fuck isn't hard. Finding a guy that I can relate to—share jokes and references with, someone who's interesting and interested in me, and life, and the world—is pretty rare. You're one of those people. You get me in this weird way that you really shouldn't."
"I know what you mean. We're so different."
"Polar opposites in so many ways."
"But for some reason, we work. Always have. Hard to believe we've been friends for almost twenty years," I say.
"It'll be exactly twenty years next month, on the fourteenth."
I tilt my head. "You remember?"
Tal grins, leaning in closer. His breath huffs in front of his face as he says, "It was a Valentine's Day orgy."
I laugh. "I'd totally forgotten. Yeah, you're right. It was."
Our eyes meet.
His expression changes. "And the second reason I didn't have sex with you is because I assumed, which I admit isn't the smartest thing to do when it comes to these things, that we weren't sexually compatible."
"I see."
And there it is. The reason behind every unsuccessful sexual encounter I've had in my life.
People make assumptions about a guy that looks and sounds and acts like me. I must be a brute in the sheets. An alpha. A top.
None of that is true.
And the few times I've hinted to guys that that might be the case, I've been met with rejection.
It might not be a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but it's a big deal for me. I can't even find someone who just accepts that a mountain man like me might have some…unconventionaldesires, let alone someone I'm compatible with.
Tal's not judgmental in the slightest. I know I can turn to him for advice about how to navigate this one aspect of my sexuality.
But even knowing he's a safe space, I still feel…shame. Hence the need for liquor tonight. Lots and lots of it.
"You okay, Marsh?"
I push off the tree. "Yeah. I'm fine."
"I don't believe you," Tal says as we start walking again.
"Okay. I have something important to tell you."
"Go on."
"What? Now? Fuck, no. Tonight. When we go out and get very, very drunk."
"Or we can save ourselves a horrid hangover and a day of bad food choices by you telling me now," he offers with a bright smile.
"No fucking way." I heave out a heavy breath. "Trust me. There's no way I can do this sober."
